A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

> As it is, men between 22 and 30 — nearly two-thirds of the male dating pool — focus almost exclusively on women younger than themselves. I’ll be investigating this phenomenon today, with gusto and charts. Ultimately, I’ll argue that they would be well-served to expand their search upwards, to women in their thirties and forties.

> The bar chart here shows how the woman to man ratio changes over time. As you can see, it’s basically flat. In a better world, this would imply that older people don’t necessarily have a harder time finding decent mates than younger ones, as the composition of the dating pool holds relatively steady from age to age. Put another way: a 45 year-old woman shouldn’t in theory have a harder time finding a date than a 20 year-old, because the female-to-male ratios at those ages are equal (roughly 11:9).

> Of course, we all know that 45 year-olds do have a much harder time, because the male fixation on youth distorts the dating pool.

> As you can see, men tend to focus on the youngest women in their already skewed preference pool, and, what’s more, they spend a significant amount of energy pursuing women even younger than their stated minimum. No matter what he’s telling himself on his setting page, a 30 year-old man spends as much time messaging 18 and 19 year-olds as he does women his own age. On the other hand, women only a few years older are largely neglected.

I don't want to pollute the thread with more quotes. Check out the graphs, it's illuminating; the data backs the assertion of the comment you replied to.

> PSA before I say anything else, anyone who knows anyone with ADHD should read up on Object Permanence[1] and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria[2]! Only very recently has RSD been tied to ADHD and holy crap, the previous 35 years make SOOOO much more sense now. If I had know about them younger I could have possibly avoided so many painful "learning experiences" where I hurt those I cared about...

When your spouse says "when you do X, I feel like Y, and it hurts me." and you desperately want to not do X anymore buy your brain keeps sabotaging you, it makes your whole life terrible.

I finally learned that "close" is often actually worse than not doing anything, because it removes any possibility of me completing the task. It also tends to come across as me doing the least amount of effort possible so I can feel good that I "helped".

To continue using the dishes example, if I have a dish at my desk and think "oh I have a meeting in a minute, I'll drop off in the kitchen on the way to grab X ", 80%-99% of the time I would leave it sitting somewhere besides the dishwasher (or whatever the final destination should be.) It turns out that once the dish is out of my sight, it's not consciously "my problem" anymore and I can/will ignore it. (stupid Object Permanence[1])

No matter my intentions, and no matter how "sure" I was that I would be right back to finish the task, statistically it was not going to happen. (Also, I recommend actually counting this stuff occasionally, it is mind-blowing how unreliable we are as narrators of our own lives. Just DO NOT follow up by trying to make business-ish decisions or justifications about it, this is about feelings and perceptions not numbers. )

Looking back, the walk to the kitchen is literally the easiest/least annoying part of the task so I would have not actually contributed anything meaningful, however if asked I would have easily sprouted off that I "took care of my own dishes" - a statement that actually implies that the remaining work was trivial and meaningless. I can already hear people saying "But it is trivial!" and that is actually worse, because that means that performing a trivial task was more effort that I was willing to invest in our relationship. (Regardless of how I felt or my intent, communication and perception are key here.)

It turns out having an empty dish on my desk bugs me and having it not in the dishwasher bugs my spouse (in addition to meaning they now have another task to add to their own list), only one of these locations will jar my brain enough that I will consistently take action!

I now make myself turn around an put the dish back on my desk unless I expect to actually complete the task (dish => dishwasher) in one go. Many times my spouse will come grab dishes from my desk while I work, and that does not bother them because unlike the glass by the sink I will eventually take care of them.

I imagine the difference between constantly having new dishes dropped off as if you are a scullery maid, and "Let me grab these dishes while you are working, I know they are bothering you" as a voluntary "tiny acts of service that people in love do for each other"[3] is massive, and carries vastly different connotations.

[1] https://themighty.com/2021/09/adhd-forget-friends-love-me-ob... [2] https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria [3] Thanks for the wording Zaroth!

I don't follow - doesn't making a bed involve covering the bottom sheet and mattress cover, which is likely what absorbed the most sweat, with the top sheet and blankets, which would block the airflow to it?

When I need to air out my bed, I push the blanket and top sheet over to the side opposite the side I slept, which makes it look messier, not nicely made.