Why is this garbage on hackernews? It has nothing to do with tech? Its also a terrible article, I'm not going to get into why it is terrible.
A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
711–720 of 812 posts
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#712Earlier quoted context omitted.
The other day my wife said, "Ugh, I hate it when you run the dishwasher during the day, because then I have to empty it before filling it." Sometimes you cannot win. But it's still a game worth playing: being married is the best thing that ever happened to me.
if the dishwasher is full I don't really understand the point of waiting for night to run the dishwasher...there's no more room for dishes in it and someone is going to have to empty it either way, and wouldn't it be better to have the dishes inside clean? Do you not empty the dishwasher at all when you start it during the day, and that's the actual issue?
Your logic is impeccable. The point is not the discussion. The point is accepting a pointless gripe from your sweetie because they would do the same for you.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#713Earlier quoted context omitted.
Presumably said CEO wasn't in much danger of poverty though. The entrepreneurship caused his troubles. That other things also could is beside the point.
Many would argue that material poverty is less important than poverty of the soul. This is why poor countries are often much happier than rich countries.
That is just wrong. The list of happiest countries in the world is dominated by the rich countries.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#714I've had to take advice that saved my relationship. It doesn't feel natural but that's what changing behaviour is about. Never stop worshipping your wife. Remember she's your Queen. You put her on a pedestal and would do ANYTHING for her. Climb a tree for honey, slay a dragon. Suddenly making a cuppa or cleaning a cup is easy right? I did ask a friend once what he did when his wife started tidying and nagging and he said he just joined in tidying. If I'm too busy to help I often transfer a large sum of money to her account without telling her. Or maybe later I go out to the garden or garage and sort that out. I remember there's a bit in the classic book 'Men are from Mars" about just the thing the author is talking about and he really could have done with reading that book. I read it about 20 years ago but it had the bit on 'relationship points'. Now he thought his salary was worth 50 sex pts. But really it was only 1. and the dirty dish was worth -1. So he was left on 0 pts.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#715Earlier quoted context omitted.
>I would say it's generally a waste of time unless you're bed is so off that you can't comfortably get back into it. I think the point about making the bed is that it takes all of 30 seconds and makes the entire room look significantly more orderly. One of the highest-ROI cleaning tasks, in terms of time spent vs. tidiness gained.
He said that’s one of an endless list of items that grows each week. 30 seconds to make a bed is just the start.
I assumed the "endless" list was more hyperbole than an actual endless. The concrete examples he gave were all habits he should have grown out of by his late teens.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#716Earlier quoted context omitted.
Marrying a successful and ambitious 20-something in no way commits one to be fine with the same ambitious person uprooting family’s life a decade or two later and moving to the other side of the world. Family is about shared sacrifice for its well being, and sometimes (in fact, usually) one needs to sacrifice their career for the family. That’s life.
>Marrying a successful and ambitious 20-something in no way commits one to be fine with the same ambitious person uprooting family’s life a decade or two later and moving to the other side of the world. Oh please. The writing was on the wall. If he's playing the "climb the corporate ladder" game nobody should surprised when he draws the "manage the Mongolian division" card. Expecting him to give that up when climbing…
When getting married, women believe their man will change. Men believe their woman won't. Both are mistaken
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#717Earlier quoted context omitted.
Marrying a successful and ambitious 20-something in no way commits one to be fine with the same ambitious person uprooting family’s life a decade or two later and moving to the other side of the world. Family is about shared sacrifice for its well being, and sometimes (in fact, usually) one needs to sacrifice their career for the family. That’s life.
I can share the converse example. My uncle had a once in a lifetime opportunity to get training in the US and get a promotion at his company. His wife did not want him to leave for 6 months. He did not get the training or the promotion. He fell way behind his colleagues that did. Fast forward 20 years, and he was unable to give his children a good education, whereas his colleagues who got promoted, did. He gets reall…
> I put this real-life story in contrast, just to prove that it's not just about "Always listen to your wife, she is always reasonable". For the trivial stuff like putting away your shoes or your socks, fine. But some decisions make a career and determine the future success of your offspring.
The advice is good but is lacking. It should have been
"Always listen to your wife, she is always reasonable. But in the end, you have to make the decision yourself and take responsibility for it".
I remember reading about this in David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man.
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#718[deleted]
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#719Earlier quoted context omitted.
Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...
> need to happen right now This is usually the result of the argument never happening otherwise. I’ve been on the other end, trying to bring a subject for 10, 20 times. But it’s a big enough issue that when it’s brought up the other party feels they “need more head space”, “not ready now”, “need to get rid of some other stuff first”. This probably means I’m not reading the room well enough, but thing is, the other pa…
I'm of the kind that wants to talk things out, preferably immediately.
I had a similar experience: when my partner said she wasn't ready to talk now, I asked her to let me know whenever she's ready to talk it over, yet couple days later it's me bringing up the subject again, to similar effect. I guess some people just like to sweep things under the rug forever...
Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem
#720Earlier quoted context omitted.
>Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody's upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things…
>I don't understand the complaint here. It sounds like your wife is trying to get you, incrementally, to act like a responsible adult The fundamental conflict is that the person and their wife's goals are not aligned. If the husband does not want to develop into a "responsible adult" in this respect, their goals are not aligned. A good partner can help the other achieve their goals, but but if there is no alignment o…
>The fundamental conflict is that the person and their wife's goals are not aligned.
It would be that, if all goals were equally good and individual taste was the ultimate criterium (which in some cultures are, not always the best ones).
Otherwise not wanting to "devel into a responsible adult" doesn't sound like an issue of "conflict of goals" (any more than one parent being an absentee parent would merely be a "conflict of goals" as opposed to a problem), but a development issue.