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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#691

Post by AussieWog93 »

dre85 wrote: post #668
AussieWog93 wrote: post #571

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody's upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things…

Fair enough, although I think the term "slob" is a bit extreme here. I would say that I'm just not very into what I would call "organization for the sake of organization". For example: 1. As the author already mentions, why put a cup into the dishwasher if you plan on using it again? 2. Why fold and put away my pants if I wear the same pants everyday for a week? 3. Why hang my jacket if I know I'm leaving again in an…

>I think the term "slob" is a bit extreme here

>I wear the same pants everyday for a week

I have nothing more to say. :P

(In all seriousness, maybe have a chat with people you trust about general smell/hygeine. Dental shit especially is something so many grown adults get completely wrong. Not everyone notices it, but there's a damn good reason I go out of my way to sit next to black people on the train! :P).

> I think I just value and emphasize what I consider efficiency (perhaps laziness?).

Serisously, though, I think that's what great about having a partner. In the eyes of some random dickhead on the internet, at least, you make a fair point on (1) and (3), but (2) and (4) are maybe things your partner's value system handles better.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#692

Post by AussieWog93 »

dre85 wrote: post #670
escapedmoose wrote: post #667

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep. Good partners push us to be better, healthier people. It’s absurd how many people in this thread are writing off taking responsibility as mental illness.

I agree with the first point which is definitely a blessing even if we can't see it directly. To the second point I would argue (and I unfortunately do argue) that "responsibility" can be a vague and subjective term. Like is it a hard-coded responsibility to make your bed every morning? Some would argue yes and use funny arguments like "ask anyone normal" or "all highly intelligent/successful people do it". I would s…

>I would say it's generally a waste of time unless you're bed is so off that you can't comfortably get back into it.

I think the point about making the bed is that it takes all of 30 seconds and makes the entire room look significantly more orderly. One of the highest-ROI cleaning tasks, in terms of time spent vs. tidiness gained.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#693

Post by ikr678 »

op00to wrote: post #573
weldedtogether wrote: post #388

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Anecdotal evidence as it is, I'd like to vouch for the fact that I am usually the "mother" in this scenario. Dirty dishes being left out drives me nuts, especially if it's overnight. When I wake up and come out of the bedroom to a clean house, I'm relaxed. Waking up to a house with dishes still around from the night before can set a baseline stressed (need to do this still) mood for a hefty chunk of my day. On the ot…

My anxiety manifests in similar ways. I "do the dishes" (or whatever annoying task it is that tweaks my anxiety in the morning) before I wind down for the night. I take control of my own happiness.

I finished work around two hours before my ex. I'd get home, clean the house to my standards, declutter and only then be able to relax after work when the space was in order.

They'd get home from work later, and to relax immediately discard laptop, jacket, shoes, mail around the house, get changed and leave work clothes on the floor, start making a snack and leave plates in the kitchen before I was about to make dinner.

We contributed equally towards costs of living, so there was no 'breadwinner' power imbalance, just a fundamentally different expectation of how our living space should be used. I never found a way to reconcile this.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#694

Post by whateveracct »

epicureanideal wrote: post #663
whateveracct wrote: post #221

Earlier quoted context omitted.

what a pitiable existence

I’d be glad if everybody would help change the legal implications of the marriage contract, so that it would be safe and financially reasonable to get married. But that just isn’t the case currently.

Get a prenup if it's that important to you

50/50 is a reasonable default when there isn't a prenup. Marriage is a union of souls into one. When they split, 50/50 only makes sense. If you can't get that, then you have bigger blockers besides legal ramifications to getting married.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#695

Post by whateveracct »

frontman1988 wrote: post #484
phendrenad2 wrote: post #378

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's worth it though. Consider the single male life. You will have no friends, because your male friends will all get wives and girlfriends, who will dissuade them from hanging out with you, the weird bachelor. You will be seen as weird at work because all of your coworkers will be married, and people don't like an outlier. So the cost is high, so what? You could get divorced, lose half of everything you own, and hav…

You can be unmarried and be in a relationship. Marriage is bondage. It's primarily a feminine desire of women to seek stability for their offsprings. Men are better off having multiple partners and having shorter relationships. Also as the weird bachelor you don't have to hang out with your coworkers, there is usually far more exciting company available.

Marriage and love is the closest thing we can get to Faith in these secular times.

If you can't have Faith in another person, there's probably something deeper wrong in your soul.

That's not the end of the world, but it's worth exploring since it's low-hanging fruit for psychic development.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#696

Post by antisthenes »

steveBK123 wrote: post #621
Thlom wrote: post #479

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it normal in the US that only one in a relationship is working? I don’t think I know anyone where only one in the relationship is working. To me it feels like the power dynamics in such a relationship quickly gets really toxic.

Outside high cost of living / coastal / urban areas yeah. Even a lot of these people may be two income couples but came from one income households, so they grew up with a father doing nothing/much less around the house and find it normal.

Why is it not normal? Modern appliances make housekeeping basically a breeze. Unless you expect perfectly ironed shirts of something ridiculous like vacuuming every day.

Now if children are in play, then it's a whole different ballgame. It easily triples or quadruples the work that needs to get done around the house.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#697

Post by aidenn0 »

LegitShady wrote: post #353
aidenn0 wrote: post #294

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have 1000 things I'd like done that take less than 30 seconds. I don't have 4 hours to do them all.

You probably don't.

Would you believe I have about 50 things that would take about 5 minutes? That also works out to 4 hours. I definitely have more than 100 "little things" I would like to do; it's possible 1000 is an exaggeration.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#698

Post by LegitShady »

aidenn0 wrote: post #697
LegitShady wrote: post #353

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You probably don't.

Would you believe I have about 50 things that would take about 5 minutes? That also works out to 4 hours. I definitely have more than 100 "little things" I would like to do; it's possible 1000 is an exaggeration.

so it sounds like you have a lot of build up. I would recommend approaching it piecemeal spread out throughout your day, but on a schedule so that you force yourself to do it - something like 5 minutes every hour.

in a week or two you'll run out of things to do and you can work on the 5 minute rule I originally mentioned.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#699

Post by discordance »

geophile wrote: post #641
nradov wrote: post #589

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Mark Cuban had a different perspective when he was younger. “I went through girlfriends (who threatened) — ‘It is your business or me,'” the Shark Tank investor recalled. “And I was like — ‘What is your name again?’ It was just non-stop.” https://www.cheatsheet.com/entertainment/shark-tank-star-mar... I'm not endorsing that comment. I just thought it was interesting to see how a notable entrepreneur approached relati…

Mulva?

Deloris

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#700

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

dre85 wrote: post #670
escapedmoose wrote: post #667

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep. Good partners push us to be better, healthier people. It’s absurd how many people in this thread are writing off taking responsibility as mental illness.

I agree with the first point which is definitely a blessing even if we can't see it directly. To the second point I would argue (and I unfortunately do argue) that "responsibility" can be a vague and subjective term. Like is it a hard-coded responsibility to make your bed every morning? Some would argue yes and use funny arguments like "ask anyone normal" or "all highly intelligent/successful people do it". I would s…

I’ve read all your comments on this, dre85, and just want to say we are similarly aligned. And I’m recently divorced. Our misalignment of cleanliness was a big part of it, but not all. Hypocrisy was there; for example she trained me to make my bed every day. But she rarely made hers (we did not share the same bed in the last 2-3 years before it ended). That’s just one instance, there were others.

I relate to what you said about an endless list of these things. It’s nearly impossible. And once you think you’ve got them all down, there’s another one to remember.

I would ask you to examine how forgiving she is when you forget to complete one of her tasks. Does she explode? Get out of that relationship. Is she accepting that you’re not perfect? Ok, she’s someone you can work with.

Good luck. Seriously.

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