A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem • Hacker News Board

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#661

Post by epicureanideal » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 12:58 AM UTC

phendrenad2 wrote: post #520

frontman1988 wrote: post #484

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can be unmarried and be in a relationship. Marriage is bondage. It's primarily a feminine desire of women to seek stability for their offsprings. Men are better off having multiple partners and having shorter relationships. Also as the weird bachelor you don't have to hang out with your coworkers, there is usually far more exciting company available.

I'm but a layman when it comes to interpersonal relationships, but it's my understanding that society puts pressure on people to get married. So while yes, in theory, you can be in a relationship and not married, in practice the social pressure will eventually push you, or, much more likely, the other person in the relationship, to want marriage. So your only recourse is to jump from relationship to relationship and…

So tell people you’re married and wear rings, but don’t throw away your life to make “society” happy.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#662

Post by filoleg » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 12:59 AM UTC

gamesbrainiac wrote: post #585

xyzzyz wrote: post #384

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marrying a successful and ambitious 20-something in no way commits one to be fine with the same ambitious person uprooting family’s life a decade or two later and moving to the other side of the world. Family is about shared sacrifice for its well being, and sometimes (in fact, usually) one needs to sacrifice their career for the family. That’s life.

I can share the converse example. My uncle had a once in a lifetime opportunity to get training in the US and get a promotion at his company. His wife did not want him to leave for 6 months. He did not get the training or the promotion. He fell way behind his colleagues that did. Fast forward 20 years, and he was unable to give his children a good education, whereas his colleagues who got promoted, did. He gets reall…

> "Always listen to your wife, she is always reasonable"

My father gave me one specific piece of advice that stuck with me through the entirety of the time I can remember, and it also helped me out quite a lot in life. The advice wasn't directly related to marriage or anything like that, it was about making major decisions in general. I didn't truly understand what it meant at the time, but once I realized it, it hit me like a truck and put a lot of things in perspective.

He said "Always listen to everyone's opinions, but always make your own decision."

Being a teenager at the time, I misinterpreted it as "listen to what everyone else says and then do your own different thing." A very typical non-conformist teenager take. But much later on, I realized that it meant something entirely different.

What he actually meant: "You should consider others' opinions when making a major decision, as it can let you make a better and more informed one. If you picked a decision that aligned with what someone else advised, that's absolutely fine. But, in the end, you own that decision and the consequences. You cannot hide behind a 'so and so advised that, which is why I made it' excuse. You are responsible for it, and you cannot blame people who provided their perspective for the resulting outcome."

Thinking about this piece of advice when making major life decisions helps me a lot. Both with pulling the trigger on it in a more informed way and accepting the eventual outcome.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#663

Post by epicureanideal » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 12:59 AM UTC

whateveracct wrote: post #221

epicureanideal wrote: post #175

The most important marriage lesson is: don’t get married. The person you marry is not the person you divorce. You can lose a huge amount of money battling it out even if YOU bend over backwards to be reasonable. If you want to flip a coin to see if you lose ten years of earnings, then marriage is for you.

what a pitiable existence

I’d be glad if everybody would help change the legal implications of the marriage contract, so that it would be safe and financially reasonable to get married. But that just isn’t the case currently.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#664

Post by honkycat » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 1:04 AM UTC

I'm a software engineer, i make decent money. Every two weeks I pay $125 to have a cleaning lady come by and clean the house. She is self employed and very nice.

It is SO NICE for my partner and I to have a week where we can just kick back and not worry about keeping the house clean. Highly recommended!

That being said there are some pie dishes in the sink right now I CANNOT. GET. CLEAN. My hands hurt from scrubbing haha

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#665

Post by jelliclesfarm » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 1:04 AM UTC

op00to wrote: post #579

jelliclesfarm wrote: post #303

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[..] Also, guessing his ex-wife probably doesn't want a book about her divorce to be part of the national chatter.[..] This. I was thinking the same thing too. Shouldn’t there be a law against this? If I were his ex-wife, I would have sued his sorry ass for airing marriage laundry. But that’s just me.

No, there should not be a law about this. What possible reason would there be for being prevented by law to talk about your life? When is it OK to talk, and when is it not?

Because it is defamation. Anyone can talk about their lives, but when you start talking about someone else without their permission to make money..I am actually pretty sure there is a already a law against it.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#666

Post by broknbottle » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 1:08 AM UTC

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

sounds more like you dodged a bullet. If this person was able to shelve something and move past for a brief period of time to allow other aspects of life to continue, they are in for a world of disappointment.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#667

Post by escapedmoose » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 1:11 AM UTC

AussieWog93 wrote: post #571

dre85 wrote: post #550

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm in a marriage and I struggle with this same question. I sometimes feel like the things my wife cares about are essentially endless. Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I g…

>Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody's upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things…

Yep. Good partners push us to be better, healthier people. It’s absurd how many people in this thread are writing off taking responsibility as mental illness.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#668

Post by dre85 » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 1:11 AM UTC

AussieWog93 wrote: post #571

dre85 wrote: post #550

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm in a marriage and I struggle with this same question. I sometimes feel like the things my wife cares about are essentially endless. Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I g…

>Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody's upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things…

Fair enough, although I think the term "slob" is a bit extreme here. I would say that I'm just not very into what I would call "organization for the sake of organization". For example:

1. As the author already mentions, why put a cup into the dishwasher if you plan on using it again?

2. Why fold and put away my pants if I wear the same pants everyday for a week?

3. Why hang my jacket if I know I'm leaving again in an hour

4. Why make the bed at all ever? (making the bed is its own topic of insanity IMO)

Etc etc etc

I think I just value and emphasize what I consider efficiency (perhaps laziness?).

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#669

Post by dre85 » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 1:15 AM UTC

webmobdev wrote: post #615

dre85 wrote: post #550

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm in a marriage and I struggle with this same question. I sometimes feel like the things my wife cares about are essentially endless. Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I g…

> At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody's upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things. If you are not the one with the issues, then it sounds like your wife may be an Obsessive Compulsive Personality Type - this type of personality has a need for orderliness, neatness, perfectionism and mental and interpersonal control. Basically, their thinking is that…

Yes, I think you're quite right with the OCD type personality. The communication about these various minor things does also tend to increase when she's more stressed/anxious.

I feel like it's generally under control and we mostly have a good balance/compromise established, but I could be totally wrong, just like the article author!

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#670

Post by dre85 » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 1:19 AM UTC

escapedmoose wrote: post #667

AussieWog93 wrote: post #571

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Like if I bend to "her way" and put effort into consistently placing the dirty cup in the dishwasher, next week something new comes up. Then it's the clothes on the floor of my side of the bed or not hanging my jacket or not putting my shoes away perfectly in the closet. At times I get the sensation that it just becomes like waking on eggshells to constantly mitigate somebody's upsetness of irrelevant (to me) things…

Yep. Good partners push us to be better, healthier people. It’s absurd how many people in this thread are writing off taking responsibility as mental illness.

I agree with the first point which is definitely a blessing even if we can't see it directly.

To the second point I would argue (and I unfortunately do argue) that "responsibility" can be a vague and subjective term. Like is it a hard-coded responsibility to make your bed every morning? Some would argue yes and use funny arguments like "ask anyone normal" or "all highly intelligent/successful people do it". I would say it's generally a waste of time unless you're bed is so off that you can't comfortably get back into it.