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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#491

Post by tbyehl »

hn_user82179 wrote: post #30
jayski wrote: post #24

Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out. If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this. I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument. Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time. But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get…

He digs into his marriage a lot more in later blog posts: https://matthewfray.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/ . I don't think she used it as an excuse at all, but he's more using this one frequent occurrence as a metaphor for the marriage.

Also the original blog post is much better than the condensed original link.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i...

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#493

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

js2 wrote: post #445

A lot of folks are misinterpreting this article, or just using it as a jumping off point to get something off their chest. This article is not literally about the dirty dish. It's not even about compromise. Rather, the article is really about having healthy communication with your partner. The author's wife was trying to communicate to him: "when you do X, I feel like Y, and it hurts me." But he wasn't hearing it. No…

Thanks for writing this. I have a question for you, since my marriage ended for reasons similar to this author's. Why is the wife's desire more important than his? In other words, why must the husband live the way the wife wants and compromise is not acceptable (especially if they share cleaning responsibilities) -- compromise could look like "sometimes I do it her way, sometimes I do it my way." Why can't a partner let go of the little things and accept that living with another person (spouse or roommate) means you don't get to set all the rules on how both of you live?

We are always told "Accept your significant other rather than trying to change them." Why does not that apply here?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#494

Post by ponow »

ksdale wrote: post #390
MrFantastic wrote: post #360

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.

Marrying a successful, ambitious man does not, in any way, mean that a woman should defer completely to every single career decision a man makes. I'm sure this executive's schedule was already plenty demanding without the burden of moving to another country.

Sounds like bait and switch.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#495

Post by asdff »

a_brawling_boo wrote: post #356
gompertz wrote: post #295

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I keep this in mind too when cancelling plans or trips in order to do 'important' corporate work. The business will never remember you did a day from now; but your partner sure as hell will.

Thanks for saying this. I spent years worried if I took an hour or two or a day during 'busy' times, and it turned me into a liar, because I said I do things or be somewhere and often times I did not because of work. It is always a 'busy' time. It took years, several jobs, and therapy before my eyes were open. Nobody cares, you are a human and have a life, if your employer does not understand that you need a new one.

I see my friends do this all the time and I just want to slap them in the face and tell them to snap out of whatever trance they are in. They work long hours, they are no longer making the time to take care of themselves, or keep up with people they love. They complain how terribly they hate their situation and how depressed it is, but they continue working those 60 hour weeks and bending over backwards to terrible bosses as if that is how it simply is and there is nothing better. It's making me depressed just seeing them slide off like this, all because of these shit jobs they put themselves into. And its not like they can't find other work either, they have good experience, but are so beaten down by the current job that they can't muster energy to commit to a job search on top of that 60 hour work week. You almost have to rip the bandaid off and just quit with nothing lined up.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#496

Post by bcrosby95 »

Johnny555 wrote: post #470
watwut wrote: post #443

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I mean, moving whole family without consent of partner indeed tend to break relationships. Not being able to take major promotion do cause resentment too, but damm, if my partner moved me to region I don't want to, I would be pissed.

But still, I can't imagine not being willing to move to any first world country that my senior executive spouse got transferred to -- as a senior corporate executive they've have a ton of resources at their disposal to make the move as easy as possible. I have a good job that I like, but if my wife told me her company was moving her to Japan for a while, I'd jump at the opportunity.

It's impossible to answer in a vacuum.

We live where we live because we're 10 minutes from my wife's two sisters, my wife's parents, and 3 cousins our kids love to play with. Generally, I think the only way we're moving is if they move first. Because my wife's whole family is here. And she spends multiple days per week with them. As do our kids.

The idea that she should be supportive of me tearing her away from this support structure is questionable.

Obviously if something came up we would discuss things. But I don't expect her to like it. Even if it involved a pay raise. Even if it involved moving somewhere she would love to live. Because these people aren't there.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#497

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

munk-a wrote: post #467
zwkrt wrote: post #366

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. That isn’t to say that you can’t be Disrespectful with dishes or that one or both people’s behavior and expectations regarding the minutia of the kitchen isn’t unreasonable. But fighting about dishes is really good indication that there are more fundamental underlying schisms in the relationship that should be addressed. In my personal…

> It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. I'd clarify that sometimes it is actually about the dishes. As someone with ADHD being in a living space with clutter slows me down and perpetuates more clutter. My solution to that is to never generate that sort of clutter - it leads to a destructive cycle I've identified in myself. If the person I'm sharing space with starts that c…

When you agree to live with another person, you agree (whether you realize it not) to also live with each other's habits, cleanliness norms, organizational norms, waking/sleeping schedule, and many other details. Being a dictator, trying to change the other person, is not going to end well. Accept the person you are living with rather than trying to change them.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#498

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

js2 wrote: post #445

A lot of folks are misinterpreting this article, or just using it as a jumping off point to get something off their chest. This article is not literally about the dirty dish. It's not even about compromise. Rather, the article is really about having healthy communication with your partner. The author's wife was trying to communicate to him: "when you do X, I feel like Y, and it hurts me." But he wasn't hearing it. No…

We are always told "Accept your significant other - do not try to change them." Why does not that apply here?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#499

Post by js2 »

antiterra wrote: post #485
js2 wrote: post #445

A lot of folks are misinterpreting this article, or just using it as a jumping off point to get something off their chest. This article is not literally about the dirty dish. It's not even about compromise. Rather, the article is really about having healthy communication with your partner. The author's wife was trying to communicate to him: "when you do X, I feel like Y, and it hurts me." But he wasn't hearing it. No…

> The author's wife was trying to communicate to him: "when you do X, I feel like Y, and it hurts me." Too often for me, I have tried to figure out a solution to a problem, when someone was just trying to let me know how they feel. I think there’s some sort of an analogy around a leaky canoe. Like: Is the person hoping for a friendly wave, some hints on stopping the leak or for you to get into the canoe and help bail…

> Too often for me, I have tried to figure out a solution to a problem, when someone was just trying to let me know how they feel.

That's likely not uncommon among the readers here, and something I do as well. But I think just realizing that I do it has helped me to stop doing it so much.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#500

Post by incomingpain »

mattgreenrocks wrote: post #370
incomingpain wrote: post #331

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>This sounds like the overfunctioning & underfunctioning relationship pattern. It's not fun to be on either side. Thanks I'll look into this. Never heard of this.

Best of luck to you. This stuff is hard. <3

Did you ever call it.

https://eggshelltherapy.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning...

Talk about right on the money. I very much appreciate you helping me. I have some changing to do.

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