Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

471–480 of 812 posts

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#471

Post by brimble »

88913527 wrote: post #68
xtracto wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am not so sure. In my case, my wife is the "messy" one: Opens a can and leaves the lid in the kitchen table, leaves used clothes all around the bedroom and bathroom, etc. We've been married for 14 years, and the first years it was a constant struggle for me to try to change her behaviour. We even have gotten to the point of raising the divorce card in discussions related to this. But, fast forward to today, I learn…

Sorry to be solutioning here, and I'd imagine you've already tried this after 14 years, but sometimes changing habits can be solved with things like buying an extra laundry basket. It's seems like a small thing, but these adjustments can provide the accessibility that make it simpler to meet in the middle. In the kitchen, we keep a mini-waste bin on our countertop for used coffee grinds. It works for us.

1000% this, it's my default solution for most things. I always make sure "change the environment" can't work before I go to "change behavior" (mine or others')

Trash accumulating somewhere? That spot needs a trash can.

Clothes? That spot needs a hamper/basket.

Spot in the yard keeps getting messed up due to walking or cars going off the driveway there? Put down some stone.

Behavior modification (for some sorts of things, anyway) should be a last resort because it probably won't work, and requires ongoing effort. Fix the environment, and it's done.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#472

Post by technotony »

Hayvok wrote: post #308
matheusmoreira wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Reminded me of The Office. "It's not real until your wife is on board."

They don’t teach you stuff like this in business school, but they should.

Depends on the business school. At INSEAD we had a whole elective class devoted to personal psycological decisions like this to get people thinking about what kind of trade offs they wanted to make.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#473

Post by mynameishere »

jayski wrote: post #24

Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out. If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this. I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument. Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time. But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get…

Yes, when a woman is in breakup mode, it's every little thing, every little thing. She wants out because of A) New lover, of B) Bored and smells alimony, C) I can't think of anything else. But she's not going to ask for a divorce for A) or B) so it's any semi-real problems she can come up with. She probably wanted to nag the guy into divorcing her. Ka-ching.

Anyway, women will even journal this shit for the lawyer's benefit. There are guidebooks sold on the matter.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#474

Post by Cd00d »

Why doesn't this article skip down properly?

I use the space bar to page down on longer articles. But on this one it scrolls one sentence too far. The scroll doesn't know about the top banner....

Surely I'm not some super rare whacky outlier in this, and surely the webdevs at The Atlantic are proud professionals - so why doesn't it work correctly?

Chrome on Mac.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#475

Post by HelloMcFly »

glitchc wrote: post #261
rhacker wrote: post #251

This is how I read this. The wife may have long ago brought up some argument that was "banned". In other words - bread winner conversations. Bread winners often have this trait: I make all the money, and I can only do that by working my butt off. So you need to take care of all the other things. No questions. This is why the dishes is such a huge deal now: Since the ACTUAL conversation is banned (by the man) the only…

Yup, a lot of these dissolutions are over money and control of the finances. Breadwinners need to treat their stay-at-homes with nice dinners, shopping experiences and pocket money that feels reasonable. A lot of them get it wrong. It’s all about dignity and respect really. Take that away from your partner and they’ll resent you, no matter how much pove there is between the two of you.

> Breadwinners need to treat their stay-at-homes with nice dinners, shopping experiences and pocket money that feels reasonable.

This to me feels like materialistic pandering. Breadwinners need to see their spouses as financial partners in a shared life.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#476

Post by aantix »

incomingpain wrote: post #330
avidiax wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's time to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship, what they value in your contributions, and what they feel they are contributing, and vice-versa. This is a way for you to learn if you are undervaluing your partner's contributions, or if they think/know that they are free-riding.

I hear you and I'm afraid of the answer. I am extremely conflict averse. I sit at the dinner table hoping to talk every night. She's busy scrolling facebook. Yes sometimes I end up on my phone as well, but I actively make the effort to be there to talk. >you are undervaluing your partner's contributions I am a big believer in legitimate praise and even giving compliments to strangers. Though obviously stearing clear…

You have to learn to speak your truth courageously and divorce yourself from the outcome.

Going through is the only way out.

E.g. If you want more talk time at dinner, then voice that, and state that you will work on being present as well. To show that that you're in it together.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#477

Post by jimkleiber »

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

I appreciate you sharing this.

Reminds me of a class I took at the University of Illinois, it was a seminar in entrepreneurship for engineers, if I remember correctly.

I believe a CEO of a $100M+ company came in and gave a speech. His first slide had a PowerPoint, on which he put something like, "3...2...1." Then he said, "3 wives, 2 divorces, and 1 heart attack. That's the real cost of entrepreneurship." I've remembered it ever since.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#478

Post by grumple »

perpetuummobile wrote: post #93

I struggle with this myself. At the risk of sounding misogynistic: How come it’s always women who can’t deal with these “minor irritations”? I’ve never heard from any of my male friends complaining in this tack.

You're really just wrong. If this is your lived experience, you need to understand that the majority of the world has minor conflicts like this all the time. Get out, make friends, go to college and see the circus that is random roommates. When I lived with roommates, there were constant complaints about this or that. X never does the dishes, Y never changes the toilet paper roll. All the time. All men. I've had a lot of friends and seen them have similar issues with roommates or partners.

In my current relationship, I used to complain about my partner never doing the dishes. I eventually stopped giving a shit because I realized I created most of them and it really wasn't much more effort to do a few more. And generally just realized the way to fix most problems is to just fix them.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#479

Post by Thlom »

steveBK123 wrote: post #292
glitchc wrote: post #261

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yup, a lot of these dissolutions are over money and control of the finances. Breadwinners need to treat their stay-at-homes with nice dinners, shopping experiences and pocket money that feels reasonable. A lot of them get it wrong. It’s all about dignity and respect really. Take that away from your partner and they’ll resent you, no matter how much pove there is between the two of you.

Yes, in a way I think it's almost easier to have two incomes and pay for help/services with the excess. Even if there is a 2:1 income ratio, each side can feel they are contributing monetarily and collectively decide what tasks are worth doing vs paying for. I can understand the psychology of both sides - the breadwinner thinks they are doing their job outside the house so why is the spouse not doing all the stuff in…

Is it normal in the US that only one in a relationship is working? I don’t think I know anyone where only one in the relationship is working. To me it feels like the power dynamics in such a relationship quickly gets really toxic.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#480

Post by dkersten »

Arubis wrote: post #268
dkersten wrote: post #76

I once saw the marriage advice that everybody, no matter how great their relationship is, should meet with a marriage/relationship counsellor on a regular basis, because, that way, any issues the two of you may have gets dealt with while its still a small thing and is never given a chance to turn into a big deal. Doing it with a counsellor means you have a safe space with someone who knows how to deal with issue duri…

If you're resourced enough to have access, this is great advice. It's like doing regular maintenance: you might be able to do it yourself, but bringing in a professional is a good idea.

> If you're resourced enough to have access

Ah, yes, of course. If you can't afford to do it then you can't afford to do it, although I wonder, given the high rate of divorce, if a session every so often wouldn't still be cheaper in the long run even for people who maybe can't afford to do it every other month.

> It's like doing regular maintenance: you might be able to do it yourself, but bringing in a professional is a good idea.

That's a great way of putting it.

Post reply on HN