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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#411

Post by jrumbut »

a_brawling_boo wrote: post #356
gompertz wrote: post #295

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I keep this in mind too when cancelling plans or trips in order to do 'important' corporate work. The business will never remember you did a day from now; but your partner sure as hell will.

Thanks for saying this. I spent years worried if I took an hour or two or a day during 'busy' times, and it turned me into a liar, because I said I do things or be somewhere and often times I did not because of work. It is always a 'busy' time. It took years, several jobs, and therapy before my eyes were open. Nobody cares, you are a human and have a life, if your employer does not understand that you need a new one.

It's a challenge to recognize those times that your need to work constantly is what you want to do (excited about a technical challenge, avoiding something at home, on an ambition kick), and your boss wouldn't blink an eye if you took the week off rather than work 80 hours.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#412

Post by ianferrel »

My wife and I have found what is (I think) a good way to resolve many things like this. When we have a disagreement about something, we stop and ask each other whether this issue is important to each of us. If we both think it's not important, then we just agree not to talk about it anymore. That's the "agree to disagree" case.

If it's important to one of us, then we just do that. I don't have to agree with her that it's important to do it her way. If I don't really care what happens when I'm done with a glass, I do the thing she wants. The hard part of this is letting go of "being right" and just doing the thing that's important to your partner even if you don't think it should be important. But you really can decide to do this.

Only if it's important to both of us do we have to keep arguing about it or figure out a compromise. Those issues are luckily rare.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#413

Post by lazide »

willcipriano wrote: post #393
belval wrote: post #227

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

It wouldn't be a six hour argument if he just said "You are right, I'll clean up after myself".

In my experience? It’s never about that, and if there was nothing to criticize, THAT would be criticized. It’s usually about some fundamental disconnect or unmet need by one of the parties, and without concerted honest effort by both to face it, it’s going to explode sooner or later.

The problem being, if they were already prone to spending concerted, honest effort in facing and talking about their problems, they would be a lot less likely to be in that place.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#415

Post by [deleted] »

weldedtogether wrote: post #388
pbhjpbhj wrote: post #375

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've never heard of men complaining about their female partners being untidy with household things except in the case where they simply do nothing (and that's rare), is that common where you are. My father did all the washing up in our house growing up, and mum did most of the cooking, but he never once annotated me for leaving dirty dishes whilst my mother regularly would complain. Almost every married woman I know…

Anecdotal evidence as it is, I'd like to vouch for the fact that I am usually the "mother" in this scenario. Dirty dishes being left out drives me nuts, especially if it's overnight. When I wake up and come out of the bedroom to a clean house, I'm relaxed. Waking up to a house with dishes still around from the night before can set a baseline stressed (need to do this still) mood for a hefty chunk of my day. On the ot…

[deleted]

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#416

Post by metadat »

300bps wrote: post #376
metadat wrote: post #354

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, I'm within a year or so of being forty. I've have been on about 75 dates over the last two years with women aged 29 to 50s. IME, often the desirable ladies in their forties have been those who stayed in a dead end relationship for (way) too long. If someone has never been in an LTR by the time they're 35, they were always quite odd and I learned it's a good idea to double click and ask questions to learn what m…

Well, I'm within a year or so of being forty. I've have been on about 75 dates over the last two years with women aged 29 to 50s. Huh, the first version of this comment before you edited it said: Yes I'm in my forties, have been on dates over the last two years with about 50 women aged 29 to 50 Another comment from you in this same story says: Soon I should probably ask if she'll marry me, advice on this would be wel…

I'm 39, upon re-reading my post I didn't want to be dishonest. And tbh, it was probably more than 75. An epic quest full of interesting people and good learning experiences to discover what is actually out there! But alas, this isn't my primary account - so I try (and happily fail often) to keep it vague. Not that big of a deal either way in the end.

> Since you explicitly solicited advice in your other comment - I think a man in his 40s (or almost 40) would be insane to propose marriage to a woman he's dated for 9 months.

Haha, thank you! Because of previous trauma, I am also hesitant to rush anything. Then I also have my sister (who just had a baby last year) whispering and telling me to just have a kid with my gf, even if we aren't married. I think she's just baby crazy at present, or perhaps she really does hate me and is playing the long game :)

p.s. Not that you asked or that it's really any of my business, but I'll try anyway: One pattern I've noticed in our exchange is you seem to get a bit hung up on the small details. My interpretation is that you are probably a really great engineer, of the sort I enjoy working with the most (seriously). Just don't forget to zoom out and view the forest from time to time!

Sincerely,

Metadat

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#417

Post by lazide »

AlanYx wrote: post #304
RobertRoberts wrote: post #286

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have a theory I use that helps me with this, the "million dollar gun to the head" theory. Would either of them stop fighting instantly if there as a gun to their heads or offered a million dollars? If the answer is "yes", then it's entirely within their control to solve the problem. The only people I think that fail this are psychopaths, and I think those are rare.

If you don't have experience with people prone to emotional dysregulation, it's hard to appreciate how it works, but you don't need to resort to such an artificial scenario like your gun scenario. People with some personality disorders can be triggered by seemingly little things into anger/rage states for 4-6 hours that cannot be resolved by talking them out, but if someone outside the household (i.e., someone who is…

Yup. Having been on the receiving end of it - she literally said afterwards she couldn’t stop herself.

Luckily, she was just stabbing the counter and not me.

My mistake for asking her how she was doing, apparently.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#418

Post by elzbardico »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

Be glad you are free from this abuse.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#419

Post by lazide »

castlecrasher2 wrote: post #258
RobertRoberts wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I worked from home for many years (before it was popular) and I had a family too. This kind of things happened to me and my wife a lot, hours of arguing while I should have been working. You can work through it, you just have to care enough. We no longer have arguments longer than maybe 20 minutes now. It can just be personality types and where you are in life. But a valuable person in your life? You work through tha…

>You can work through it, you just have to care enough. We no longer have arguments longer than maybe 20 minutes now. We went through the same. A few years of me getting my head on straight and not escalating fights so I could effectively communicate "I don't want to fight about this" and either "this isn't a criticism, this is something that's important to me" or "you're right, I'll start doing that" has made our fi…

There are also folks that are suffering from real severe mental health crisises, and will continue to escalate and dysregulate over and over again - to their own and others detriment.

Having been on the receiving end of this - don’t keep trying to make it work if it gets to this point. Work on being a grey rock to them (non reactive) until you can get yourself and others to safety.

Also don’t tell them you’re leaving until you have a viable plan B that they can’t find. Kids make it much much harder, and unfortunately around 2 yrs old is often when it gets the toughest and this can happen.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#420

Post by bena »

em-bee wrote: post #217
bena wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd recommend people don't. Mostly because people read stuff like that and extrospect rather than introspect. "How can I get my partner to speak my love language?" rather than "What is my partner's love language?" Everything becomes another tool of manipulation. "My love language is 'acts of service', so if you don't take out the trash, you don't love me." That's just straight up emotional manipulation. Whereas it sh…

if someone is using love as a tool for emotional manipulation they will be doing that already before they read the book. at best the book helps them to come up with that phrase. but not reading it won't prevent them from doing it. on the contrary, if you both read the book together then you will both become aware that this is happening and you can do something about it. There should be a rule, where you can learn abo…

I want the knowledge out there, I just don't want it to be used against people. You can learn love languages, you can talk about them to people, but you can't use bring it up with people you're in a relationship with. Especially in a discussion about your relationship.

The point is for people to focus on learning rather than weaponization.

And it's not just love languages. It's pretty much every psychological and sociological concept. Bringing them up in a discussion is almost always an attempt to cut off the other person's attempt at communication.

It's like the list of fallacies. No one wonders if they're making fallacious arguments, they just use it as a cudgel against other people.

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