A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem • Hacker News Board

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#381

Post by phendrenad2 » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:10 PM UTC

stuckinhell wrote: post #232

Resentment can compound over small things, but I've also found from my friends failed marriages that physical attraction is big deal. One or both of the partners let themselves go physically. Now we can't stop aging, but we shouldn't lie to ourselves that physical attractiveness doesn't matter. The Halo effect is a real thing.

The thing is, it becomes progressively harder to look good as you age. And once you start getting out of shape that adds to the disadvantage. People hit 40 and this combination of factors causes them to just give up.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#382

Post by k0k0r0 » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:12 PM UTC

a_puppy wrote: post #275

rhacker wrote: post #251

This is how I read this. The wife may have long ago brought up some argument that was "banned". In other words - bread winner conversations. Bread winners often have this trait: I make all the money, and I can only do that by working my butt off. So you need to take care of all the other things. No questions. This is why the dishes is such a huge deal now: Since the ACTUAL conversation is banned (by the man) the only…

This is an interesting point of view. I don't know enough about their relationship to know whether that's what was going on. But, I do want to point out something else in your comment: > She now has to wash and put away the glass. No she doesn't. She can just leave it there. She can leave her own glasses there, too. The pressure to keep the counter clean isn't coming from the husband. He doesn't give a damn how many…

I don't entirely agree with the framing of this comment, but I'd like to share an expierience which is related.

A couple of years into our relationship my significant other finally realized, that if she wants me to do specific tasks in our household, then thats her desire and not mine. I.e. that I for example leave "a mess behind in the kitchen" since I am totally fine with that, and its only her desire to have a cleaner kitchen, and not some general rule I had broken.

This lead to a huge change in our relationship. Since then she mostly starts negotiating rules that we both can agree upon instead of starting a fight. I am very thankful for that.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#383

Post by jeffrallen » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:13 PM UTC

MrFantastic wrote: post #360

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.

No post body was provided.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#384

Post by xyzzyz » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:14 PM UTC

MrFantastic wrote: post #360

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.

Marrying a successful and ambitious 20-something in no way commits one to be fine with the same ambitious person uprooting family’s life a decade or two later and moving to the other side of the world. Family is about shared sacrifice for its well being, and sometimes (in fact, usually) one needs to sacrifice their career for the family. That’s life.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#385

Post by mbrameld » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:15 PM UTC

jayski wrote: post #24

Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out. If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this. I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument. Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time. But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get…

I think what happens when things like a dirty glass by the sink get used as the reason for a relationship failing is a little more subtle and drawn out. Seeing the glass by the sink probably triggers some repetitive negative thought about the partner (wtf, why can't they just put the stupid glass in the dishwasher??), which leads to a gradual shift of one's attitude towards that person in general. That slowly snowballs as the slightly more negative attitude comes through in more interactions and you start getting frustrated by more and more little things your partner does, which triggers more repetitive negative thoughts, until you find that you can't stand the person you used to love. The final reason for the relationship failing wasn't the dirty glass, but it may have been the primary catalyst.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#386

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:16 PM UTC

andreyk wrote: post #189

"Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense, I thought. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. ... There is only one reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink, and it’s a lesson I learned much too late: because I love and respect my partner, and it really matters to them." wow.... thi…

[deleted]

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#387

Post by cheschire » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:16 PM UTC

MrFantastic wrote: post #360

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.

Why not also examine the decision of the ambitious spouse to marry someone who may at some point add friction to the progress?

Marriage requires compromise on both ends. I don't see the irony.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#388

Post by weldedtogether » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:17 PM UTC

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #375

jacobolus wrote: post #289

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's coming from an expectation of femininity that she's internalized. This is a sexist assumption which denies the woman individual agency. One person in a relationship having a higher standard for cleanliness than the other isn’t necessarily the result of some society-wide conditioning. There are plenty of very tidy men and more relaxed women out there in the wide world. And plenty of relationships where both par…

I've never heard of men complaining about their female partners being untidy with household things except in the case where they simply do nothing (and that's rare), is that common where you are. My father did all the washing up in our house growing up, and mum did most of the cooking, but he never once annotated me for leaving dirty dishes whilst my mother regularly would complain. Almost every married woman I know…

Anecdotal evidence as it is, I'd like to vouch for the fact that I am usually the "mother" in this scenario. Dirty dishes being left out drives me nuts, especially if it's overnight. When I wake up and come out of the bedroom to a clean house, I'm relaxed. Waking up to a house with dishes still around from the night before can set a baseline stressed (need to do this still) mood for a hefty chunk of my day.

On the other end, my girlfriend doesn't seem to mind at all. She does when it gets very messy, but the minor ones don't bother her like it does me. The author's mindset regarding dishes in the above article does remind a bit of her as well.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#389

Post by UncleMeat » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:19 PM UTC

mswen wrote: post #103

NortySpock wrote: post #48

"Is this hill worth dieing on?" is a question I occasionally ask myself. Other ways to put it: "Would taking 10 seconds to do this now make my wife 1% less stressed?" (If so, do the thing to make her less stressed.) "Is it worth starting a fight vs spending the same time just fixing the problem?" "Would spending $COST_OF_THING make my wife happy for a day / make a fond memory of us together?" (Hence why I encourage m…

Your comment reminds me of the following. My wife and I have been married over 30 years now. Our total household is 7 persons. A couple years ago, my wife was complaining once again about someone using scissors and not bringing them back to their proper storage place. "How can we have 3 pair of scissors and none of them are here when I need to use one?" This didn't bother me but hearing her complain about it did both…

My parents did this and it was a great lesson.

Scissors and cordless phones (prior to cell phones) got left all over the place. The solution was to buy like 20 pairs of scissors and have a cordless phone in damn near every room. Boom.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#390

Post by ksdale » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 7:20 PM UTC

MrFantastic wrote: post #360

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.

Marrying a successful, ambitious man does not, in any way, mean that a woman should defer completely to every single career decision a man makes. I'm sure this executive's schedule was already plenty demanding without the burden of moving to another country.