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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#351

Post by igetspam »

bachmeier wrote: post #172
jugg1es wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isn't that what the author is saying? The deeper problem was that the wife felt that the authors' inability to do something so simple for her sake was indicative of disrespect. Not acknowledging that your partner is worth a couple seconds of consideration is a pretty deep problem. The author probably demonstrated this disrespect in multiple ways, but the glass by the sink is a succinct way of summarizing the whole pr…

To be completely honest, I got the point, but I don't think this is good writing. Did anyone learn anything from the article? Probably not. Did anyone do any deeper thinking because of the article? Probably not.

I did some reflection. I agree it's not a great article but I read it and did a self assessment. I don't ever want my marriage to end and people sharing their failures gives me another thing to consider, in hopes that I can avoid a similar outcome.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#352

Post by InfiniteRand »

ceejayoz wrote: post #67
meerperson wrote: post #9

This seems like a one-sided stopgap to a problem that is undoubtedly two-sided and it sets a precedent for [the author's definition of] respect that cannot be maintained indefinitely. For example, what if you were just about to put the glass in the dishwasher but the doorbell rings? The only settings that come to mind where this level of "adherence" is maintained are prisons or abusive households where everyone is in…

> This seems like a one-sided stopgap to a problem that is undoubtedly two-sided and it sets a precedent for [the author's definition of] respect that cannot be maintained indefinitely. I don't know that it's one-sided. The author may have asked their spouse to similarly adjust behavior in various ways; if they were amenable to that, but didn't get a corresponding response on their own pet peeves, that'd be an imbala…

You're right, frequency matters. I also think it matters that he reacted defensively (at least that's how I read the essay), rather that just saying, "Okay, sure" and putting the glass in the dishwasher. It's a token response that doesn't really mean much, but it's a token that shows some consideration.

I think that's why a workaround solution like putting the glass on a counter out-of-sight would also be helpful. It's not that the workaround necessarily improves anything from his wife's perspective (the glass still needs to be cleaned) but it shows some effort.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#353

Post by LegitShady »

aidenn0 wrote: post #294
LegitShady wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> "Would taking 10 seconds to do this now make my wife 1% less stressed?" An addition to this unrelated to marriage - if it takes 10 seconds, why isn't it already done instead of considering whether to do it or not? I have a personal rule that unless I have another issue that requires attention right now (like working from home being work time, etc) If it take 5 minutes or less to do it I just do it right away and ne…

I have 1000 things I'd like done that take less than 30 seconds. I don't have 4 hours to do them all.

You probably don't.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#354

Post by metadat »

300bps wrote: post #346
metadat wrote: post #215

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is an over generalization, every person is different and has their own quirks and preferences. The hot take you've presented is useless at best, and possibly even harmful to view people from such a single dimensional lens based on their age.

What's unfortunate is that I can literally emphasize the words on average and use words like generally and still get the accusation that boils down to, "but not everyone is like that." If you think my opinion is useless, the most likely reason is because you have little to no experience with the topic. Are you in your 40s? How many 47 year old women have you dated?

Well, I'm within a year or so of being forty. I've have been on about 75 dates over the last two years with women aged 29 to 50s.

IME, often the desirable ladies in their forties have been those who stayed in a dead end relationship for (way) too long. If someone has never been in an LTR by the time they're 35, they were always quite odd and I learned it's a good idea to double click and ask questions to learn what might be going on there.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#355

Post by sethammons »

In a relationship, you often get to chose between being right _or_ being happy.

A lot of people don't realize this but here it was again. The author wanted to be right ("my view is correct, glass near the sink is not important"). The author lost being happy at the cost of being right since their spouse left.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#356

Post by a_brawling_boo »

gompertz wrote: post #295
matheusmoreira wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Reminded me of The Office. "It's not real until your wife is on board."

I keep this in mind too when cancelling plans or trips in order to do 'important' corporate work. The business will never remember you did a day from now; but your partner sure as hell will.

Thanks for saying this. I spent years worried if I took an hour or two or a day during 'busy' times, and it turned me into a liar, because I said I do things or be somewhere and often times I did not because of work. It is always a 'busy' time.

It took years, several jobs, and therapy before my eyes were open. Nobody cares, you are a human and have a life, if your employer does not understand that you need a new one.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#357

Post by k0k0r0 »

jacobolus wrote: post #289
a_puppy wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is an interesting point of view. I don't know enough about their relationship to know whether that's what was going on. But, I do want to point out something else in your comment: > She now has to wash and put away the glass. No she doesn't. She can just leave it there. She can leave her own glasses there, too. The pressure to keep the counter clean isn't coming from the husband. He doesn't give a damn how many…

> It's coming from an expectation of femininity that she's internalized. This is a sexist assumption which denies the woman individual agency. One person in a relationship having a higher standard for cleanliness than the other isn’t necessarily the result of some society-wide conditioning. There are plenty of very tidy men and more relaxed women out there in the wide world. And plenty of relationships where both par…

Wow. I never considered this before:

Explaining certain kinds of behavior as the result of society-wide (patriarchaic) conditioning may be sexist itself, because it denies the womans individual agancy.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#358

Post by trelane »

mkoubaa wrote: post #290
rajin444 wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Definitely this. The writer (and many commenters here) are missing a very important distinction. Changing yourself is good and healthy but only when you want to. Changing for somebody else is toxic and will not work. Marriage is a partnership, not a series of trade offs (in practice it will look like this, but it cannot be seen as this). Both sides should be grateful for the changes they make for one another as well…

I don't agree with the last point, it's somewhat culturally charged. In many cultures a marriage that isn't intended to be permanent is normal.

What cultures?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#359

Post by Aloha »

greedo wrote: post #302
mswen wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your comment reminds me of the following. My wife and I have been married over 30 years now. Our total household is 7 persons. A couple years ago, my wife was complaining once again about someone using scissors and not bringing them back to their proper storage place. "How can we have 3 pair of scissors and none of them are here when I need to use one?" This didn't bother me but hearing her complain about it did both…

Yet the solution to many relationship problems isn't finding a solution! I'm a sysadmin. When I see a problem, I try to fix it, and prevent it from happening again. But relationships aren't servers. Sometimes we see (or are told about) a problem, and immediately go to fix it. Yet often the problem isn't what we see. Usually (maybe 99% of the time) problems in relationships are about communication. Listening. Commiser…

This is the varying communications styles between men and women. There was a reddit post from years ago that really went into great detail about this, it was some of the most brilliant writing about this topic that I'd ever seen.

Women want to talk about feelings, and dont necessarily want help with their problems.

Men tend to communicate more 'functionally' we tend to talk about problems we want a solution for - unless we specifically talk about feelings we're generally looking for inputs on solving those issues.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#360

Post by MrFantastic »

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.
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