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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#341

Post by dragonwriter »

giantg2 wrote: post #156
bee_rider wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

She would probably also outsource that mechanical work to a mechanic, just like you'd outsource the cooking work to the microwave/freezing company. Although, by outsourcing this work, you'd both have a little bit more free time. It might be a worthwhile experiment just to try for a month, if you can swing it.

You don't understand, I already do the shopping/cooking and the mechanic work. Outsourcing costs a lot of money. Plus, if the point of switching is to appreciate the labor of the other person, then outsourcing defeats the purpose. My point is, some tasks may not be equally suited for both people in the relationship.

> Plus, if the point of switching is to appreciate the labor of the other person, then outsourcing defeats the purpose.

Locating, finding, and managing interaction with appropriate help is labor, too.

And it's often a better way of getting the job done, even if the immediately obvious monetary cost is higher.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#342

Post by [deleted] »

mwattsun wrote: post #339

It's often the little things that determine the course of a relationship. For example, I took my bike into a shop I hadn't used before. They fixed the back tire, but failed to place the cap on the tube. I may seem like a little thing, but stems leak a bit, so it's important. I'm never going back to them.

[deleted]

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#343

Post by igetspam »

trgn wrote: post #174
gizmo686 wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The water cup example isn't symbolic, it is prototypical. That is to say, it is meant to be a representative example of the a metaphorical paper cut. People in this thread are latching on to it for the same reason the author used it; it is not clear how else to talk about the larger issue. Different interepratations of the prototypical example leads to different interperatations of the larger issue. If you must use e…

We were replying at the same time and crossposted. You said it better. As a reader, I would have loved to have more examples.

Agreed but the point is made more than once and in plain terms that the glass was not the problem it was an indication of a behavioral issue that went unrecognized until it was too late for self reflection to make a difference.

It's not a great article in the surface but the message has merit.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#344

Post by brimble »

Jabbles wrote: post #297
glitchc wrote: post #261

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yup, a lot of these dissolutions are over money and control of the finances. Breadwinners need to treat their stay-at-homes with nice dinners, shopping experiences and pocket money that feels reasonable. A lot of them get it wrong. It’s all about dignity and respect really. Take that away from your partner and they’ll resent you, no matter how much pove there is between the two of you.

I think not calling it "pocket money" would be a good step.

That seems very neutral to me? I'm struggling to think of a term that's not worse ("allowance") or less accurate.

[EDIT] It just means money that's expected to be spent, but not budgeted specifically for anything, and is largely put to personal discretion without any kind of accounting expectation—no? Some phrase using "discretionary" might also work, but that one seems too technical or formal.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#345

Post by outside1234 »

beckler wrote: post #243

About 10 years ago, I had a internship at Newell Rubbermaid. As part of the experience, the entire group of interns across all the brands got to have lunch with the CEO and basically ask him anything we wanted. At some point, someone asked about his biggest regret. We all expected some business blunder, but he said that he was offered an executive position by Kraft to lead their Asian segment, and that his wife reall…

Almost all of us that get to 50 have a life lesson like that that boils down to "Optimize for the people involved, not the machines and systems."

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#346

Post by 300bps »

metadat wrote: post #215
300bps wrote: post #123

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I first want to say that I cringed reading the entire original article. But I want to address something you said as well, "TLDR Women are more picky th a n Men". This is highly age-dependent... On average : A 21 year old woman on a dating site has to be picky. She's getting constant messages from men anywhere from 18 years old to 100 years old. A 40 year old woman is still a bit picky on a dating site but is starting…

This is an over generalization, every person is different and has their own quirks and preferences. The hot take you've presented is useless at best, and possibly even harmful to view people from such a single dimensional lens based on their age.

What's unfortunate is that I can literally emphasize the words on average and use words like generally and still get the accusation that boils down to, "but not everyone is like that."

If you think my opinion is useless, the most likely reason is because you have little to no experience with the topic. Are you in your 40s? How many 47 year old women have you dated?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#347

Post by aidenn0 »

After reading the comments, I have come to the conclusion that either HN commenters are bad readers, or the author is a bad writer. Perhaps we can also fault the Atlantic headline writer (though I should point out that the tag is different from the headline in the article itself, and using that instead of the tag for the HN post might have reduced confusion).

It seems something like 1/3 of the comments are coming up with reasons why "it's not about the dirty dish" when the author repeatedly makes this same point in the sub-headline and throughout the article. In at least one point where a comment reply violated HN guidelines by stating that the commenter clearly hadn't read the article, the original commenter stated that they had, so it seems unlikely to me that it's just people commenting on the headline itself.

Given that the author blames his divorce on poor communication, perhaps this shouldn't surprise me?

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#349

Post by csa »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

If I read this right:

- lots of arguments about things you considered small

- issues focused on “disrespect”, which is a perception thing that she had 100% control over

- needed to resolve issues immediately

- “resolution”, if it happened, took up to six hours with no option to end on your side

It sounds like she has some major issues that probably warrant professional help.

To be fair, you may have issues as well (e.g., things that are “minor” to you may be a big deal to most people).

If you want to resolve this internally, I recommend going to a relationship counselor/psychologist alone and just doing a reality check. Make sure you present her side to the counselor as reasonably as possible.

You will probably find a few things you could do better, but you will probably also find that you were being controlled by someone with major issues.

Fwiw, I think ending this relationship was a good idea.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#350

Post by cycomanic »

belval wrote: post #227
pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

I'm the opposite of the OP, I really hate to not resolve problems straight away. My partner is the opposite she needs to avoid the immediate conflict. I think there is a balance to be had, the issue with just walking away from the discussion is that it feels to the partner like they are being stonewalled. The other thing I noticed is that I needed to get over the attitude that I pay for things so I can have higher expectations.

We went to couples therapy and the communication strategies we learned really and while we still have arguments they tend to be much more productive, but it requires work.

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