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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#91

Post by commandlinefan »

axilmar wrote: post #15

The problem in the case mentioned in the article was not with the writer that left the glass by the sink, it's with the other person that was bothered with something so minor...usually these minor things are excuses that cover deeper problems. Above all, marriage is a series of compromises: you give up something for something else. You can't have it all. Personally, I put up with my wife's problematic-for-me but not-…

Yeah, if he had put his glass away, she would have found something else to be "upset" about.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#95

Post by jrm4 »

jancsika wrote: post #86
DanHulton wrote: post #22

There is a whole other potential article out there that could be written from the ex-wife's side - "My marriage died because I couldn't make this one simple sacrifice". And I suspect both would just as incorrect, at least by omission. The glass thing is a useful article hook, but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart. There is a deeper issue here, about neither side being willing…

> I like the idea that a really good relationship is a 60/40 compromise, where both sides are struggling to be the 60. It sounds like both sides of this marriage were struggling to be the 40. I'm picturing a therapist helping a refugee from Objectivism by suggesting to "compete on making the greater compromise, within a threshold" because that's easier to explain to them than cooperation.

I'd take this even further. Sometimes it's 50/50. Sometimes 60/40, Sometimes 100/0. You just have to comfortable with that's how it is.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#96

Post by Dobbs »

giantg2 wrote: post #85
Dobbs wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This isn't about the dishes. The dishes are just a symptom of the unequal divide of emotional labour in most relationships. Even in relationships where both parents work full time more often than not the majority of the mental and physical burden of running the house tends to fall onto the woman. Of course this isn't an absolute, but it does tend to hold true. You can see this at the outbreak of COVID where many wome…

"Even in relationships where both parents work full time more often than not the majority of the mental and physical burden of running the house tends to fall onto the woman." I'd love to see the data on this.

If you look around for things about "emotional labor" or "unpaid labor".

For example I found this from around 2014, it isn't strictly about dual income households, but there is data out there for that:

> Around the world, women spend two to ten times more time on unpaid care work than men.

Source: https://www.oecd.org/Dev/Development-Gender/Unpaid_Care_Work...

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#97

Post by m3kw9 »

“ My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.” can easily spiral out to “you don’t give a sht about my feelings, I’m not heard even for little things requested constantly” and then it amplifies other little dismissed requests which all come together and builds up from a mole hill to a mountian

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#98

Post by Dobbs »

em500 wrote: post #58
Dobbs wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This isn't about the dishes. The dishes are just a symptom of the unequal divide of emotional labour in most relationships. Even in relationships where both parents work full time more often than not the majority of the mental and physical burden of running the house tends to fall onto the woman. Of course this isn't an absolute, but it does tend to hold true. You can see this at the outbreak of COVID where many wome…

The marriage lesson that I learned, not too late, is to hire domestic help pretty much as soon as we could afford it.

If resources are there then yes I definitely agree. It makes a major difference in quality of life, particularly for myself and my partner who both struggle with ADHD.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#99

Post by scoutt »

snapcaster wrote: post #77
ceejayoz wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I still want an explanation as to how the aliens in that movie managed to miss that 70% of the planet is covered by a deadly poison, and that it literally falls from the sky in most places.

Because it was _holy_ water that damaged them because they are demons not aliens in the movie. There is actually no scene in that movie of a spaceship or anything that indicates it's aliens

I'm pretty sure there was lights above in the sky at some point. And there is also the bird that hit an (allegedly) invisible alien ship.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#100

Post by giantg2 »

didgeoridoo wrote: post #20
axilmar wrote: post #15

The problem in the case mentioned in the article was not with the writer that left the glass by the sink, it's with the other person that was bothered with something so minor...usually these minor things are excuses that cover deeper problems. Above all, marriage is a series of compromises: you give up something for something else. You can't have it all. Personally, I put up with my wife's problematic-for-me but not-…

Exactly. I am on the other side of this in my marriage — my wife leaves her water glass out (sometimes for days) because she “might want to use it again”. It bothered me, so I put it in the dishwasher. She didn’t like that, so I stopped doing it. And I got over the fact that there are sometimes six or seven half-full glasses around the house at any time, because I am not a petty psychotic who would take something so…

My wife put some water in the microwave for tea and left the room. When it was done, I put the tea ball in it and set the timer for her. Thinking that she would be back in the room in a few minutes and the timer would let her know it was ready.

Instead of thank you for starting her tea, I was told I was "too controlling". Ok... I guess I won't do nice random things like start your tea from now on.

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