I need to stop being boring • Hacker News Board

Re: I need to stop being boring

#161

Post by VHRanger » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:27 PM UTC

pavlov wrote: post #95

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

I’m a parent of two children and most of the time I’m extremely bored and struggling for motivation. My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly…

Have you checked for ADHD in your pre-teen that has impulse control issues?

It can be eye opening if the behavior has a neurological component, and it's always better to intervene early in these cases

Re: I need to stop being boring

#162

Post by shubb » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:28 PM UTC

superasn wrote: post #11

I don't think you're boring but I do think your brain is feeling cheated for putting in all this work over and over and not getting the dopamine rewards for it afterwards (which in most cases is often praise or money). I think you need some small wins to keep your motivation going. I read this quote here on hacker news which was very eye opening for me at the time(1). This idealogy of using small wins while you're ch…

Thankyou for this comment. It helped me understand why a long running very much not indie project is making me feel quite so fed up. The next step will be to try to use it to fix it.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#163

Post by devnulll » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:31 PM UTC

kevmo314 wrote: post #111

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

I have the totally opposite experience. Everyone I know who has kids is bored: they've given up on their side projects and resigned themselves to jobs they constantly complain about but can't leave because they need to support their family. So I'm not sure having kids really matters here. I think the mindset change is more important. It's easy to forget that the world has so many interesting things to pick up and do…

Parent here, of 3 pre-teen kids. My experience is that having kids has brought a joy of learning and exploration like little before. We constantly visit flight museums, train museums, and do unusual things like joining Facebook 4x4 groups and go on weekend adventures. We've done local MTG events and similar. Last weekend we went to the local Japanese Garden (yea, spring!) and the kids dressed up in crazy clothes for some fun pictures.

I can't sit still, so am always looking for new things to do. Having children do this with me bring joy to me, and to them.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#164

Post by yoyohello13 » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:32 PM UTC

TaupeRanger wrote: post #139

rob74 wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My attitude to "being a burden on society" is: "I paid taxes all my working life, so if I get some of that money back, all the better!". Of course, not having to go to a nursing home is the even better alternative, but unfortunately nobody can rule that out.

I think a person deserves to get elderly care when needed...I was moreso talking about the fact that no one in the world will literally care about the childless person, because no one younger will be in their life. I think people who decide not to have kids often privilege their well being in their 30s-50s without thinking about how poor and lonely the last 30 years of their lives might be. It's just another angle to…

> no one in the world will literally care about the childless person.

This is entirely dependent on the person. I think you're partially right that nobody will care about you (as much) as your kids (potentially) will.

If you spend your life focusing on yourself, then yeah, nobody will probably care about you. If you spend your life devoted to serving others and making an impact in your community then plenty of people will care about you when you're old. I've known many older people who have done great things for the community and the community gathers together to help them in return.

You affect other people caring about you through your actions.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#165

Post by MrWiffles » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:32 PM UTC

last_one_in wrote: post #42

Drop stuff that doesn't work. I started programming as a kid. 40 years ago. I wrote a game with a friend while we were at school. It made us a tiny amount of money for 3 years work. I dropped out of programming (several times now). I travelled, close to home, and working in return for food and accomadation (with a scheme called WWOOF). I've done farm work, forestry, woodworking, butchery, construction, blacksmithing.…

First things first: the following is not in any way intended to demean/attack/"throw shade" at you or anyone else in the slightest. Not whatsoever! So please forgive me if it comes across in that way despite my best attempts to the contrary.

That said...

The above, while fantastic for the person who lived that way, "smells" (for lack of a better word) like it comes from someone who hasn't been forced into a rough life. Bouncing around like that is easy when you don't have to worry about whether or not you'll be homeless in the next week because you were illegally fired from your job and the government doesn't care because it's not an easy open-and-shut case where they can automate litigation six years from now (because their caseload is literally that high).

You can't really do that kind of stuff when you have one - or both - parents dying from cancer and they both need full time, in-home care that, being unemployed, you can't afford to provide them. Especially when for whatever reason, they have no retirement savings, pension, 401k, absolutely nothing, and no health insurance either.

So please understand that while I'm honestly happy you've been able to do that, a lot of people just flat aren't for many reasons, the above being mere examples. You might think they're made-up, fictional or convoluted, but they're not: they're my life experience from 2017-2021. I lived those things, and worse, all at the same time.

> A brief note for context: you mentioned "pounds" so I'm assuming you're in the UK, which has a famously fantastic healthcare system. I'm in the US, where ours is...well, we all know what shit smells like, don't we? And herein lies a real life example of how government investment in people - aka "socialism" to some degree - is not a threat to an economy or capital investment, but in fact enables economic growth. /rant

Point is, for some people, that grind is the only thing keeping us alive. There is no safety net. There is no plan b. You either go nose-to-the-grindstone, or you go live under a bridge and eat scraps out out of the dumpster. There's no in between for some of us.

Again, not in any way intended to "throw shade" at you whatsoever. I'm just raising awareness that for some people, this advice, while technically valid and something I really wish was actionable for everyone, is in many cases just flat out impossible. You try it, you wind up homeless, a pariah, and unable to re-enter the industry because who's going to hire somebody without any relevant work experience in the last 3 years? Next!

That said...

> I've done farm work, [...] blacksmithing [...]

I've always wanted to try some kind of blacksmithing! I'M SO JEALOUS!

Re: I need to stop being boring

#166

Post by Kluny » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:34 PM UTC

gfxgirl wrote: post #156

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

Sounds like you have good kids. Congratulations. I know parents with good kids and I know way more parents with bad kids. The parents with good kids will generally claim they did a better job raising their kids. The parents with bad kids will generally claim the good parents just got lucky. Me, I can't tell. I certainly see most (not all) parents with bad kids doing things that IMO help make their kid bad. Of course…

Can you really describe kids or parents with any kind of meaning using a binary "good" and "bad"? Aren't most people great in situations that suit them and allow them to thrive and use their skills and talents, and bad in situations where they don't have the tools to be successful?

Re: I need to stop being boring

#167

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:34 PM UTC

lupire wrote: post #64

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

When you are four years old, you lose your memories of the first years of your life. When you have kids, you live them again.

[deleted]

Re: I need to stop being boring

#168

Post by flakiness » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:35 PM UTC

burntwater wrote: post #158

I'm boring. I know I'm boring, and I'm bored as a result of being boring. I suspect a good part of it is bog standard depression. Tied into that is the difficulty of learning new things; I have a lot of things I WANT to learn, but when I get home at the end of the day I just don't have the mental energy. I recently moved across the country and currently have precisely nothing happening outside of work; no friends, no…

Yeah, the physical sensation of playing piano/keyboards is energizing. I guess that's same (or sometimes even more) for other musical instruments. In a sense, it's like physical excursive.

It'd be great if programming gives us similar sensation, but it's purely intellectual, at least to me. I understand it's the point, but still.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#169

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:42 PM UTC

dominotw wrote: post #140

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

i think your experience is not a common one. Lots of things have to click in place for that to happen. A satisfying job, supportive spouse and a solid relationship with stakeholders like the in-laws ect. Most parents are just beat down managing two jobs, taking kids to all the classes, doing chores in the house, worrying about career ect.

[deleted]

Re: I need to stop being boring

#170

Post by lfowles » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 4:42 PM UTC

gfxgirl wrote: post #159

100011_100001 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have four children. I'm not going to claim that sometimes kids are not frustrating. However every time I see parents being burnt out I see one of two scenarios. Scenario 1: The over-achiever parent I see this frequently, a parent that wants to be a super parent. This manifests in a bunch of different ways, but usually it's enrolling their kids to 15 different activities essentially running all over the place being…

It can help to have family close. Growing up my parents often gave us to our grandparents for the weekend (one a month?). Both grandparents lived within 1hr. So, my parent were able to take some weekends for themselves. Also babysitters for a night out and they both had siblings with kids they could leave us with. I know plenty of people who don't have this kind of support group and/or are unwilling to use sitters in…

Definitely. I'm incredibly burnt out after being a stay at home dad for the past year, with the pandemic cautions a lot of support structures disappeared or became unreliable (older family watching the baby, finding a reliable babysitter or daycare, etc). I essentially forgot about everything extraneous in my life so I wouldn't be frustrated that I didn't have time or energy to do it anymore. Without a doubt, I'm more boring than I used to be.

Part of this is just having a kid under 5 apparently, but I can't imagine being able to survive with more than one, much less retain a creative pursuit.