I need to stop being boring • Hacker News Board

Re: I need to stop being boring

#141

Post by k_sze » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:33 PM UTC

pavlov wrote: post #95

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

I’m a parent of two children and most of the time I’m extremely bored and struggling for motivation. My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly…

Same struggle. Except my elder daughter isn't "screaming and raging about the tiniest things" (yet). She's just... a total mess at a few things (self-motivation, self-awareness, responsibility, tact), constantly getting chastized by my wife.

I don't have fun with my kids. I have no more friend in real life (even before the pandemic). I can't even play computer games when I want to because my kids take too darn long to finish their homework and we live in a small home in Hong Kong. Even weekends are basically more studying and extra-curricular classes for my kids (ballet, phonics, mental math, painting). I've lost motivation to do much else. Nowadays I just burrow myself in reading fantasy novels when I have any time for myself, not even because I really enjoy them, but because I lack creativity and motivation to do much else.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#142

Post by willcipriano » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:34 PM UTC

yoyohello13 wrote: post #113

willcipriano wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What they are really saying is "It was fun (going to the bar/playing video games/whatever) with you when we were young, but I'm not young anymore and have a family to spend time with, I wish you had one too so I could invite you to family oriented activities." but knowing that you won't understand they say they are too busy and tired.

You can invite people without kids to family oriented activities too. Maybe they would enjoy just hanging out with people.

It really depends on the friend I suppose, I wasn't in a place to do all that many family friendly things before having kids personally.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#143

Post by unsupp0rted » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:40 PM UTC

TaupeRanger wrote: post #123

silicon2401 wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's funny because the exact opposite is true for me, and is the reason I won't be having kids. I recovered my creativity and wonder for life through just living life how I want to, rather than based on what I thought was normal or typical. Part of that was rejecting the societal expectation of having kids. Now I have a blast pursuing my interests and looking forward to living the rest of my life this way, without ha…

You can do all of those things with children, and then you won't be a burden on society when you're older, having no one left to care about you except the nursing home staff, and as a bonus you'll get to help continue the human race, which is always good.

Isn't it unethical to have children so as to use them as a safety net later in life, after having conditioned them from birth to attach to you and care for you?

Re: I need to stop being boring

#144

Post by folkrav » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:41 PM UTC

kevmo314 wrote: post #111

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

I have the totally opposite experience. Everyone I know who has kids is bored: they've given up on their side projects and resigned themselves to jobs they constantly complain about but can't leave because they need to support their family. So I'm not sure having kids really matters here. I think the mindset change is more important. It's easy to forget that the world has so many interesting things to pick up and do…

> Everyone I know who has kids is bored: they've given up on their side projects and resigned themselves to jobs they constantly complain about but can't leave because they need to support their family.

Bored and giving up side-projects are two different things. I did give up side-projects after having my son, but it's far from being boring.

As for the job thing... I guess you don't frequent that many people with kids? Or you just happend to know unhappy people? I've changed jobs 2 times (well, 3 if you consider COVID related job loss) since my son was born.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#145

Post by witx » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:41 PM UTC

TaupeRanger wrote: post #138

witx wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because having kids with the mindset of: "I'll be a burden to them instead of the nursing home staff / society" is a great reason to have kids ...

No, it's not and I never said it was. It is simply a fact about not having children.

Yes you did:

> You can do all of those things with children, and then you won't be a burden on society (...)

Re: I need to stop being boring

#146

Post by Minor49er » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:45 PM UTC

pkoird wrote: post #118

rr808 wrote: post #40

I'm afraid most tech people need to get out more. The job is hard, side projects are fun and you need to leetcode in your spare time to get a job. However its very easy to be boring. People benefit from making non-tech friends, play sports, travel, read novels, learn about spirituality, make music, build furniture but I dont see a lot of that happening. I'm a corporate cog and its my biggest regret.

That making friends bit is proving to be a bit difficult for me at the moment.

What's getting in your way?

Re: I need to stop being boring

#147

Post by verisimi » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:46 PM UTC

ChicagoBoy11 wrote: post #119

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #47

> I lost my creativity and the sense of wonder I used to have in childhood. I am no longer curious because I am settled for the world as it is. I accept things the way they are instead of imagining how they could be. I was starting to feel this way before I had kids, but having kids completely changed everything for the more interesting. It’s funny because it’s the exact opposite of what I was told would happen: The…

I think folks' mileage vary significantly on this, and partly due to a distinction I'd make between being bored and not having energy. I used to know a family that was as creative as folks would come (immediate family had renowned authors, world class academics, illustrator, etc.), and it was clear that the children played such a central role in continuing to foster a culture that was very creative and "alive." But,…

> But, it was also true that both parents had WFH jobs (this was over a decade ago), extremely flexible schedules, and were very well off

Well, exactly. Its easier to be creative if you don't have financial or time constraints.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#148

Post by verisimi » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:50 PM UTC

rr808 wrote: post #40

I'm afraid most tech people need to get out more. The job is hard, side projects are fun and you need to leetcode in your spare time to get a job. However its very easy to be boring. People benefit from making non-tech friends, play sports, travel, read novels, learn about spirituality, make music, build furniture but I dont see a lot of that happening. I'm a corporate cog and its my biggest regret.

I agree - tech people need to get out more.

I am sorting people into virtuals and physicals nowadays.

All my interest is on the physical side of life.

Physical is where I want to be, and I am sort of.. but still I'm too heavy on the virtual.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#149

Post by efitz » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:52 PM UTC

k_sze wrote: post #141

pavlov wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m a parent of two children and most of the time I’m extremely bored and struggling for motivation. My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly…

Same struggle. Except my elder daughter isn't "screaming and raging about the tiniest things" (yet). She's just... a total mess at a few things (self-motivation, self-awareness, responsibility, tact), constantly getting chastized by my wife. I don't have fun with my kids. I have no more friend in real life (even before the pandemic). I can't even play computer games when I want to because my kids take too darn long t…

Why do you keep doing things that don't make you happy?

Why do you feel the need to do so many extra-curricular activities related to child education? Can't you take your kids to the park, show them stuff and talk to them about it? One of the cool things that most adults forget about childhood is that everything is new for kids. Even stuff that kids are used to; they have really only scratched the surface of- they haven't had the time or the life experience to deeply understand things, but they also haven't had the life experience to become jaded or cynical. Spending some time around them doing stuff that is not homework, can be fun, or at least interesting.

Do you want to be unfulfilled?

If you truly cannot find joy in anything, then you are likely suffering from depression, and you should go see a doctor. It won't get better by itself.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#150

Post by unkulunkulu » Wed, Apr 06, 2022, 3:55 PM UTC

I really started on a path to improvement a couple years back, before that I thought that everything else including state of the world was to blame and I was perfect.

But thanks to a dusty place…

I was looking for things to improve and have formulated close to a dosen “shoulds” during this time.

I cannot say that this was really helpful, because, you know, how could I know what I should? My knowledge got me here. The shoulds arise from the mind, but how accurate are they? No way to know for me!

Now I come to conclusion that I “should” only accept myself, and look for meaningful experience and people, everything else will happen. Sometimes I’m boring! Sometimes I’m stupid! Sometimes I’m irresposible!

I feel where you are, friend, you will do this!