This is so great. 10 years ago this sort of topic came up frequently here, but there have been fewer as the crowd has grown.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
301–310 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#302Earlier quoted context omitted.
+1 to worrying less about what other people think of you. Ironically, this caring less can actually make people like you more (because you seem more confident).
How do you stop caring? I would give nearly anything for this superpower. Even obviously completely insignificant moments that matter to no-one can stick with me for days, and some stay with me for years , bubbling up and causing anxiety or low mood out of nowhere. No amount of rational analysis or forced positive thinking seems to help.
Perhaps cognitive behavior therapy could help with your anxiety.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#303In my younger days I was a lot like you and I personally solved it by getting into martial arts. Training for a few years and finally getting your black belt gets you confidence in several ways:
- It gets you fit, which is a good thing for attractiveness :-)
- It trains you in leadership - you start off as a student but by black belt you're running classes, or at least parts of classes
- It gives you confidence that you can defend yourself, but more importantly, if necessary you can defend your family, your friends, your SO, etc. This changes the way you move through the world. Note: you don't suddenly become invincible, you also learn the humility of encountering people in training that are still far superior to you, but these become less and less over time.
- To get your black belt is transformative, and the equivalent of trial-by-fire/coming-of-age rituals that have faded from our culture: you have to work hard for years to get to that point, and you have had your attitude and skills genuinely tested and evaluated before being granted each belt. And it was all you, no-one else can do it for you, you can't buy it, there are no shortcuts. This is one of the few things you can achieve that you can genuinely call all your own, and it feels good, and it is a massive boost to how you see yourself in the world.
Basically if you find the right martial art you get all the benefits of going to the gym plus learning a valuable new skill, and transforming your outlook of yourself along the way.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#304Earlier quoted context omitted.
The cold hard truth that I realized I long time ago is what I call the “two strikes rule”. When you are short (as am I), you already have two strikes against you in society. You can’t be “short and” - short and broke, short and mean, short and shy, short and fat (which I was until I was 18).
Not with that attitude my friend.
“Attitude” doesn’t make a difference. It makes no sense for anyone to bury their head in the sand and ignore reality. I took action early on.
- I’ve been in above average shape for most of my adult life - I’m in my late 40s
- I spent a 10+ year stint as a part time fitness instructor. Then life got crazy
- By BigTech standards my compensation is meh. But I work remotely for BigTech in a mid cost of living area
- I’ve been happily married for a decade.
No woman has ever said “you know what? I really want a short overweight broke introvert. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of”.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#305Earlier quoted context omitted.
Let’s not advocate schedule one controlled substances as the solution Even though it probably works
I can't tell if this is sarcastic. Marijuana is both a "schedule 1 controlled substance" (which is a federal classification) and fully legal in 18 states. The term "schedule 1" doesn't say much about danger, which is not to say that there aren't dangerous drugs on the schedule 1 list.
Why are you bringing marijuana into an argument with about meth? What do you think the MA in MDMA stands for
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#306Earlier quoted context omitted.
Let’s not advocate schedule one controlled substances as the solution Even though it probably works
US drug scheduling is incredibly political and does not reflect how harmful a drug is. As an example, cocaine is a schedule 2 drug but magic mushrooms, which has the lowest potential for harm (even lower than caffeine), is a schedule 1 drug.
Ecstasy is meth dude, it ruins a lot of peoples lives. I’ve seen it happen so maybe you’re personally responsible but there’s a lot of freaking people that aren’t. You can destroy their lies if they try your advice and it doesn’t work out
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#307I got thrown, somewhat inadvertently, into a "service writer" position at a car dealership in my young 20s, when I was still extremely shy/awkward. It's basically service department sales. It was a hopping dealership, a well run money making machine and we were constantly hammered with business. Doing this job somewhat forced me to be more sociable, as the boss asked us to constantly 'build rapport' with our customers.
The other thing I realized was that I could be really loud in public and it drew attention to me. So I would do that intentionally. Just be really loud when ordering food at a restaurant or checking out or looking at stuff ... any time. This gets you used to being the center of attention, which is what 'shy you' doesn't want, and 'shy you' ends up disappearing over time.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#308People with real, not imposter autism cannot change themselves quickly. The way out is to understand and accept what you are first, and to realize that social is not your speciality (and it doesn't worth it anyway).
Keeping a safe distance from idiots is more beneficial than ability to be "nice person".
Be very good at something which others need and all the problems will go away. They will be nice to you, and this is the real and only way.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#309I moved from Silicon Valley to nyc met a couple other nerdy friends talked to girls every weekend with them at the bars. I cold approached them. The first were very hard but I got used to it.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#310Earlier quoted context omitted.
If it took only 2 years, it was easy. I’ve travelled around the world and did most of the possible side quests, including the workout phase, the guitar phase, the charity/vegan phase, the millionaire phase, and I’m still transparent to women. And I’ve grown bitter. I did everything I could. I’d say “please, help” but to be honest, I’ve grown too bitter to hear the advice. It’s a game designed to make me lose, I’m nei…
BALM?
Black, Asian, Latino, or Mixed. Basically he's just a regular white man which gets no love in a lot of liberal areas unless you do something unique like those "phases" he mentioned. He should move. The best thing you can do as a white man is move somewhere that everyone isn't white. Then you will get a lot of attention even if you're very boring.