Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

dontasktoask.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

101–110 of 391 posts

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#101

Post by frosted-flakes »

bluefirebrand wrote: post #22
corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation. If I reply "I'm fine thanks how are you" then you know I'm here and looking, you've forced me to into a synchronous conversation and now I will appear rude if I don't immediately answer your "I just have a quick question" If you just post your question upfront, I can read it and prioritize it m…

A buddy of mine does this via text message. He'll ask, "hey are you working tomorrow?", and it's 50:50 whether his next question is going to be

"can you pick me up from the airport?" (forcing me to quickly reply yes even if I might not want to, because he already knows I'm not working and I don't want to seem rude—why can't he just take the train?),

or "im in town, wanna hang out tonight? (sure, sounds like fun).

Wish he'd skip the leading question and not put me in a corner.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#102

Post by bluefirebrand »

jt2190 wrote: post #87
bluefirebrand wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation. If I reply "I'm fine thanks how are you" then you know I'm here and looking, you've forced me to into a synchronous conversation and now I will appear rude if I don't immediately answer your "I just have a quick question" If you just post your question upfront, I can read it and prioritize it m…

> For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation. In the context of an IRC chat room, isn’t all conversation assumed to be synchronous? (Forgive me if this has an obvious answer, as I’m not too familiar with IRC culture.)

Depends if it's a busy room with a lot of actively chatting users, or a quiet room with only a few people active at once.

In either case, skipping the chitchat is beneficial. In a busy room, ask the question and if someone catches it they can respond right away. Any attempt at a "hello how are you" will likely be lost in the noise.

In slower rooms, treat it as asynchronous.

And in 1-1 chats, treat it as asynchronous.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#103

Post by electroly »

felix318 wrote: post #95

A bit off-topic perhaps but as a non-native speaker I'm always baffled by English smalltalk. People who reach out to me on Teams usually start with "Hi, how are you" and I never know what is the proper reply because I know the question is not sincere. Why not just say "Hi"? (and this is nothing compared to the seemingly mandatory Monday morning elevator "how was your weekend" question)

It's fine to treat "hihowareyou" or "heyhowsitgoing" as a word that literally just means "hi". It's never a real question; it's an automatic fixed expression for us. "Good" is the customary response (doesn't matter if it's true), but ignoring the question and just saying something like "Hey, what's up?" or "Hey, how can I help?" is also a fine response that invites them to skip any other smalltalk they might have planned. This is especially a handy approach for typed chats.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#104

Post by bluefirebrand »

88913527 wrote: post #58
bluefirebrand wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation. If I reply "I'm fine thanks how are you" then you know I'm here and looking, you've forced me to into a synchronous conversation and now I will appear rude if I don't immediately answer your "I just have a quick question" If you just post your question upfront, I can read it and prioritize it m…

Because the method is indeed async, you can say "I'm fine thanks how are you" with no future expectation of immediate reply. It's okay. If they wanted sync, they would've asked for a phone call. But, suppose you switch to sync. They ask a question. It indeed isn't important to you right now. Tell them you're busy with other tasks, and you'll reply later. It isn't rude, we all frequently work with others that have a l…

Or, you could just ask the question and not shift the burden of this onto me.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#105

Post by penneyd »

felix318 wrote: post #95

A bit off-topic perhaps but as a non-native speaker I'm always baffled by English smalltalk. People who reach out to me on Teams usually start with "Hi, how are you" and I never know what is the proper reply because I know the question is not sincere. Why not just say "Hi"? (and this is nothing compared to the seemingly mandatory Monday morning elevator "how was your weekend" question)

They are expecting - All good, what's up?

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#106

Post by codingdave »

We all have different personalities. Saying "hi" will frustrate some people. Not saying "hi" will tick off others. Same goes for leading into questions - most approaches can tick someone off.

For the safest approach, I agree with the concept that all the info should be in the same message. To an individual, "Hi! If you have some time, could you let me know ". To a group, "Hi, if there are any experts here, I'm trying to figure out . Any help would be appreciated."

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#107

Post by svilen_dobrev »

These "preludes" are like tapping on the shoulder, except they are async and when you see/"feel" that "tap", there might be nobody there anymore... And then you start same thing backwards, with "hey you did have a question.." .. a forever ping- pong without any reasonable info in it..

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#108

Post by softwarebeware »

It's definitely not just a problem on IRC, Slack, or Stack Overflow. In real life, if you go up to someone and say something like, "Hey can I talk to you for a second?" The following is almost always true:

a) They do not want to talk to you for "just a second," it will take much longer. b) It is a serious conversation that will require a lot of emotional energy c) It will immediately pre-empt anything else that you are doing right now

So that's why it's bad form. You don't take that same form to total strangers on the internet.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#109

Post by rtb »

uses wrote: post #91

This reminds me of the chat situation where a coworker will start with "Hi!" typing indicator . In either case, it's like "yes, you have my attention. I cannot focus on anything at all until you hit enter, and I also can't reply because I have nothing to reply to". I also can't complain like "hey if you're going to interrupt me can you just say the whole message so I can actually reply instead of being held in absolu…

There's a similar 1 page site for that problem: https://nohello.net/en/
Post reply on HN