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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

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Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#371

Post by Jeff_Brown »

stronglikedan wrote: post #318
Jeff_Brown wrote: post #313

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The forcing is weird, right? Why in the world does it take so much work to reach out to someone? The obvious explanation would be fear of rejection. Another story you could tell is fear of connection due to opportunity cost -- what if, among all the people you could connect with, this one isn't a great choice but will end up consuming a lot of your time? But I think it's probably the first.

It's simpler than that. I don't feel the need to maintain relationships for my day to day well being, but I force myself to, because I don't want to die alone someday. But I also recognize that I'm an extreme hermit/introvert who is happy calling my dog my "SO", and will probably end up dying alone in a cabin in the woods someday, so it may all just be futile anyway.

I really am of two minds. My natural inclination until I was married was to stay in and hack computer music most of the time, work out when it seemed like a good time, go to coffee with people at work, and maybe go to a party once a week. But my favorite experiences are usually conversations. Mountains, oceans, etc. are nice too but really the most fun I have is in conversation. And yet I have to force myself to pursue it.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#372

Post by EricE »

notreallyserio wrote: post #211

The biggest reason I don't maintain contact with people from my past is I was a much worse person in my past and I'm either embarrassed about my behavior or concerned that my shittiness is what led to our relationship in the first place. In any case, I find it's easier (and emotionally satisfying) to stay in touch with a couple people that I can have natural, unforced conversations with. Scheduling interactions on a…

I think this is for higher level contact - not personal friendships. Networking for professional development - more along those lines.

Something I need to get back into. Interacting, at least casually, on a routine basis with a wide amount of people has lead to every job I have ever held - they came to me based on my reputation or past interactions. It's definitely the best way to get a new (and better) job rather than blindly fishing for them.

That's the real power of systems like this. Not to develop personal friendships, but to remain relevant in the eyes of a large number of people so that if they have a future opportunity you will be top of mind for how they can get it addressed.

I think it's why he stresses making the contacts personal and with meaning/value specific to that person. These aren't soulless automated computer generated emails, but a system to prompt him to write relevant and sincere contact messages.

Is it a lot of work? Sure. But building up a network of people who see you as contributing value is priceless.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#373

Post by goostavos »

stackbutterflow wrote: post #202
endymi0n wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel exactly the same, and honestly, it keeps me from approaching some people I‘d like to. If anyone has figured out a pretext or mental framework for warming up conversations that have effectively died long ago, I would be delighted to know about it.

I make sure to end each conversation properly. Something like "I have to go, I have something to do, that was nice talking to you". That way you can start a new conversation 6 months later and it doesn't feel awkward.

To muddy the waters, I'd find this super duper weird. I've never had a chain of texts end with a formal "close" to the conversation. Doubly so since texting is async. I'd finally look at your "I have to go" message hours after you sent it and be confused at the update.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#374

Post by hotpotamus »

chinchilla2020 wrote: post #367
jakub_g wrote: post #169

My main issue with keeping in touch with people is that texting someone you only vaguely know is kinda weird. You don't see the other person, you don't hear them, you can't know what's in their mind. Those exchanges often just hang in a weird void after a few texts and it's unsure when/how to continue from there. On the other hand, calling someone you don't know well (even someone you do know!) feels even weirder and…

I agree with you. The author is trying to automate human connection - but it probably doesn't come off genuine.

Have you ever played Stardew Valley? One game mechanic involves managing relationships with members of the town. You need to discover peoples' likes and dislikes, keep up contact, and remember their birthdays and probably a few other rules I'm forgetting. There's essentially a spreadsheet that you manage. It's the strangest thing to me - it feels like the way an autistic person might view relationships, but also like it's common sense. I think it's just that in real life you're better off not keeping score on some things.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#375

Post by sivers »

christiangenco wrote: post #359
sivers wrote: post #331

(I'm the guy he refers to in that post.) If anyone reading this builds software like this, and releases it publicly, whether free or for sale, please let me know. I'd be happy to send people your way. Because of https://sive.rs/dbt I get a few emails a week from strangers, asking if my software is public yet, or if not, what else I would recommend. (And I might never make my software public. It's too tied-in to my no…

Hi Derek! My implementation of your system is just a bunch of markdown files. The title of the file is a friend's name, the frontmatter at the top keeps info about them that doesn't change too often (ex: birthday, address, kids names), and each time I chat with them I add a section with an H1 title that's the date we chatted (ex: "# 2022-02-14\n"). My notes about the chat go under that heading. Based off of that stru…

That's amazing!

In 25+ years of keeping people in my database, and writing plain text all day, I'd never once considered keeping my list of people in plain text files.

Thanks for the description and inspiration.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#376

Post by sivers »

runjake wrote: post #353
sivers wrote: post #331

(I'm the guy he refers to in that post.) If anyone reading this builds software like this, and releases it publicly, whether free or for sale, please let me know. I'd be happy to send people your way. Because of https://sive.rs/dbt I get a few emails a week from strangers, asking if my software is public yet, or if not, what else I would recommend. (And I might never make my software public. It's too tied-in to my no…

Glad to see you back -- at least for a couple comments, Derek!

Thanks Jake! I read HN every day, but almost never log in to post.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#377

Post by rdiddly »

notreallyserio wrote: post #211

The biggest reason I don't maintain contact with people from my past is I was a much worse person in my past and I'm either embarrassed about my behavior or concerned that my shittiness is what led to our relationship in the first place. In any case, I find it's easier (and emotionally satisfying) to stay in touch with a couple people that I can have natural, unforced conversations with. Scheduling interactions on a…

ha ha - "my shittiness"

Well I definitely heard that. I have a thing the voices in my head periodically inflict on me that I call Embarrassment Day, where I spend the day remembering past incidents that I'm embarrassed about. Lots of fun.

The silver lining of course is that if you're embarrassed about things in the past, it means you've grown enough since then to be embarrassed about them. If all you want to do is double down on everything you did, either you were already perfect or you haven't grown at all since then.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#378

Post by sivers »

kaioelfke wrote: post #237

Spreadsheets can work quite well for this. I made an iOS app as side project inspired by this post from Derek Sivers. https://amicu.app

Kai Oelfke! So glad you posted this here.

https://amicu.app/ is a great example of this idea in action.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#379

Post by irrational »

notreallyserio wrote: post #211

The biggest reason I don't maintain contact with people from my past is I was a much worse person in my past and I'm either embarrassed about my behavior or concerned that my shittiness is what led to our relationship in the first place. In any case, I find it's easier (and emotionally satisfying) to stay in touch with a couple people that I can have natural, unforced conversations with. Scheduling interactions on a…

I don't want my wife to every meet my friends from my teenage and early 20s for exactly this reason.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#380

Post by hungryforcodes »

p_l wrote: post #142
hungryforcodes wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So we should become friends with people we don't value? Like random people on the street? It's a good idea, but would be exhausting.

At no point does he talk about making everyone into a deep friend. I guess english language is just incapable of explaining it due to not enough words to express the spectrum? Do note that he has different "frequency" categories (which don't have to map to "type of friendship" same way even in that one database!). Some are just people he is interested in meeting, maybe keeping in light contact over time. Some more of…

Oh actually I really agree with you and the OP. I was responding more to the parent post.

I think it's ok to just partition our lives into friends we value -- and largely ignore others. We'd be insane otherwise. So long as we remember to keep a general humanistic value for the man (or woman or trans or define-it-yourself) on the street...

As I get older I find it hard to even KEEP UP with normal friends flung far away and separated by the distance of time. Not everyone will agree with the OP, but I'm always impressed with old friends from 20 years ago that still keep contact.

Something to consider.

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