51–60 of 69 posts
GIGO or, if that's too short a TL;DR, I'll let Carlin explain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIraCchPDhk Politicians, dating pool, same mess. Also relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-ryuJDTpEc
Possibly the only thing that could help (I would never say fix) would be reputation, which is to say that you could learn about the behaviors of others. This person spams out hundreds of messages. That person never replies. This one ghosts. This one only talks to the top twentieth percentile of attractiveness, or income, or whatever.
Incentives are mis-aligned, to be certain. In a perfect world, you would have some kind of specific measurable goal and the service would be paid when that goal was met: perhaps marriage, perhaps a lot of one night stands, etc. As it is, they give you a hunting license and drop you off in the forest with a penknife. I am not certain that such a service could actually survive.
But that isn't enough. People's incentives are mis-aligned: some want to get laid, some want a free dinner, some want attention, some are looking for a Christian soulmate, and so on, and people cannot be counted on to be honest about their goals. Often, they aren't honest with themselves, so honesty with another person is simply too much to ask.
That honesty simply won't come to pass as long as we continue to hide the truth. Recall how OKCupid had a blog of statistical analysis and how some of the less comfortable results of those analyses vanished after Match.com took over. In our current political climate, the merest suggestion that men might be disadvantaged in some fashion will be met with hostility and a sarcastic "Boo-hoo, cry me a river!" attitude. It already happened in this thread. So, the idea that both men and women might have behavior that could be changed is simply ... no sale.
There is nothing wrong with the situation, even if it doesn't sound good. Tech in dating should increase participation, access, reduce friction and assist with creativity and social engagement. All of these are being worked upon and likely a lot of opportunity exists for more creative ideas (which may or may-not be "vc type" scale)
One of my favorite concepts from the Dune series is from a Benne Geserit mother. She’s tasked with working with someone closely who she hates. Upon realizing she hates this person she feels some relief. “Because hate and love are such close opposites one can relatively quickly be converted to the other feeling.” I think it was understood she meditated to flip herself from hate to love. Probably focusing on any and all useful aspects of the person to her goal or something.
So that’d be my suggestion to anyone considering another social media or dating site. Perhaps a site that emphasized forgiveness and letting go of self destructive attachments could act as a fulcrum in the needed direction.
I think part of the problem is that dating complete strangers sucks because, well, you simply don't know them or know anyone they know. It's basically selecting at random hoping for a good fit. Similar hobbies and interests can only take you so far.
I originally wrote a longer reply on why swipe apps don't work for me but it wasn't particularly insightful (the "20% of men get all the women" issue).
When I was using dating apps, I had the best results with OKCupid and I hope those profile based sites make a comeback.
Secondly that most dating apps business model is based on time being online in the app which gives app-makers wrong incentives according to the makers of Breeze. The makers of startup Breeze get paid for each face-to-face human meeting https://breeze.social/en/FAQ people have instead.
Commodification of dating prospects makes it harder to invest in one person when you know that a replacement who might be cuter or more fun to talk to just 5 minutes of swiping away. Dating markets are a two-sided market (but in reality, they are sets of multiple intersecting two-sided markets as there's a wide diversity of preferences and identities related to gender, sexuality, race, political tribe etc), two-sided…
I find that most first dates end with mutual ghosting, I'm not even sure if it's appropriate to call it ghosting if it's mutual. In many of the cases there probably isn't long term relationship potential, but in some cases there could be if the effort was put in by both parties. But why put in the effort when you have someone who you've already fantasized to be better that you can go out with in a few days? If people had fewer choices they'd be more willing to put an effort into making a connection with those choices and see if a relationship can blossom.
I don't really know what's better. Few choices that you put a lot of effort into, or a multitude of choices that you wait until you have instant chemistry. For me personally I've done a lot of app dating and it's only ranged from hookups to short term dating. All of my long term relationships have been through people I've meet in real life.
Implying HN readers date
No, they're probably married. The terminally unpleasant cynical people actually seem to be on here less than they used to - and the ones still here I assume are crypto millionaires now, which always helps.
The problem of finding the perfect partner doesn't seem so intractable if you recognize it is completely unreasonable to expect one person to satisfy 100% of your needs for 30 years+.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
For men overall: 20% of the guys get 80% of the matches. If you are below the median you get basically zero. That's very good for the top 20% but below some cutoff it is not worth participating. If you call that 'victimization' than it is. So far as 'me' I can say in person there is a good chance I can give somebody I meet (e.g. regardless of sex, gender, sexual orientation, whether or not I am interested in them sex…
You only need one good one. (well, that depends if you're dating to increase your score or not) IIRC from that OKCupid research, women only rated 20% of men as attractive, but then their attractiveness rating didn't actually affect who they responded to, so it didn't really matter. Also, women know better than men that attractiveness is a thing you do not a thing you are.
[1] https://www.gwern.net/docs/psychology/okcupid/yourlooksandyo...