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Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#31

Post by Zircom »

AndrewDucker wrote: post #27
Zircom wrote: post #12

This is gonna sound cynical but I don't enjoy being "helpful" at work because it often comes back to bite me in the ass. I work in IT, and if you go the extra mile for a person one time they often expect that to be the norm from that point forward and may even tell other people about it who will then expect it to be the norm for them as well, and it just becomes extra work that's expected of you on top of your normal…

It needs to be balanced - if something is documented then you can just point them at it. But people you've done favours for are more likely to do them for you too. And that's a major force multiplier when it comes to your own goals.

I totally agree but the people I'm talking about are not the kind of people that will return the favor, they're just slackers who are looking to do the least amount of work possible and offloading it onto you is just one of many tricks in their toolkit of avoiding doing actual work. People that will return the favor do exist but the amount of coworkers that will do something for me is vastly out-weighed by the aforementioned slackers.

And the same thing about going out of your way to help out end users, it just ends up being expected of you and if the next time you say no they might raise a stink and get you into trouble, either for not following process the first time, or for causing a bad and inconsistent user experience by NOT helping them the second time.

It's easier to just do what's expected of you and nothing more, nothing less.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#32

Post by jelan »

deanmoriarty wrote: post #18

It took me a decade of work to realize that in corporate America you are almost always paid for being nice and helpful to your colleagues, rather than your individual contributions, no matter what level you are hired at. And this becomes more and more true as a company scales in number of employees (currently at a FAANG and couldn't be more true). For me personally it was a major shift that occurred over a couple yea…

It takes a lot of self reflection and maturity to realize mistakes we’ve made in the past, so thank you for sharing this about your career.

I’m wondering if you felt forced out of the company where your reputation was a brilliant hard to work with jerk?

I’ve worked with people like this before and unless the company culture is set up to reward this kind of behavior from the top down, this always ends in said person being worked around and given less and less responsibility and slowly managed out no matter how brilliant they are.

This almost always happens in the polite Silicon Valley way of getting rid of people where no one gets fired and everyone just smiles and works around you until you leave due to “incompetent team members” or “work not challenging anymore”, especially at start up’s who really don’t have the time or money to deal with wrongful termination lawsuits.

Not implying that this is what happened to you, but more so wondering if you felt this at all or it was just self realization that prompted your move and behavior change?

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#34

Post by anyfactor »

nurettin wrote: post #11

"I'm 35, I have half a million dollars and I feel like shit because I don't go to parties anymore" "I'm 40 something I am a millionaire I bicker with my wife over the next thing we will add to our high tech house so I feel like shit" "I am a solo founder who got burned out and lost all meaning" "I'm a deeply conflicted person who believes it is good to help people but I can't bring myself to do it, why oh why?" Is HN…

As a "vent-er" myself writing things to a group of strangers seems healthy. It is like a prolonged and much needed hug without the other person awkwardly patting on your back to signalling you to end the hug. People are honest here. Sure there is a delusional ambiance of success here but in the deep nests of the comment jungle you find solace that some one has your desired traits has gone through the same shit.

You can't find a place where people are honest yet direct with you without the burning bridges.

I personally wouldn't want to be in any place where you don't see the frustrations of people in the same page where people discuss their interest. Twitter and Linkedin is vent free and I find them to be hypocratic.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#35

Post by deanmoriarty »

jelan wrote: post #32
deanmoriarty wrote: post #18

It took me a decade of work to realize that in corporate America you are almost always paid for being nice and helpful to your colleagues, rather than your individual contributions, no matter what level you are hired at. And this becomes more and more true as a company scales in number of employees (currently at a FAANG and couldn't be more true). For me personally it was a major shift that occurred over a couple yea…

It takes a lot of self reflection and maturity to realize mistakes we’ve made in the past, so thank you for sharing this about your career. I’m wondering if you felt forced out of the company where your reputation was a brilliant hard to work with jerk? I’ve worked with people like this before and unless the company culture is set up to reward this kind of behavior from the top down, this always ends in said person b…

I did not feel forced out, actually management tried to convince me to stay with a pretty compelling counter offer. I knew I was stuck in a rot of most coworkers and management seeing me as this “brilliant but unapproachable authority”, and I wanted to start fresh in a new place with humbleness. Much easier to do in a new company.

I know what you mean and I have seen other people being managed out of the company with smiles, via gradual marginalization and removal of responsibilities.

If I had to guess why that happened to them is because they were “more jerk, less brilliant”, in my case it was slightly the opposite as my contributions happened to be really significant for that company.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#37

Post by horns4lyfe »

Sounds like it might because you consider being nice and helpful to people as some kind of work affectation rather than a character trait. What kind of influence do you want to be in the world? If it’s negative so be it, otherwise consider being nice and helpful in general, in and out of work.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#38

Post by jstx1 »

nurettin wrote: post #11

"I'm 35, I have half a million dollars and I feel like shit because I don't go to parties anymore" "I'm 40 something I am a millionaire I bicker with my wife over the next thing we will add to our high tech house so I feel like shit" "I am a solo founder who got burned out and lost all meaning" "I'm a deeply conflicted person who believes it is good to help people but I can't bring myself to do it, why oh why?" Is HN…

In the few hours since you posted this we have a person who makes about a million a year asking for career advice - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30237425

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#39

Post by hotpotamus »

BoumTAC wrote: post #17
nurettin wrote: post #11

"I'm 35, I have half a million dollars and I feel like shit because I don't go to parties anymore" "I'm 40 something I am a millionaire I bicker with my wife over the next thing we will add to our high tech house so I feel like shit" "I am a solo founder who got burned out and lost all meaning" "I'm a deeply conflicted person who believes it is good to help people but I can't bring myself to do it, why oh why?" Is HN…

I think a lot of people here take 90% of their time and free time alone behind a computer. After +15 years alone like that it take a toll on their mental health. And after such a long time they are really far behind in social skill and they understand that doing a todo app with every new javascript framework is for most of people not the meaning of life and they don't know where to start.

Hey, sometimes I talk to customers too, so it's like I'm with others behind a computer. On a serious note, the pandemic really exacerbates this.

Re: Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

#40

Post by grammarnazzzi »

You ask the wrong questions.

If you are considering doing something, ask yourself if it's a win for yourself and whoever you're relating with.

Is it an important relationship to you? If the answer is yes, then consider investing in it. Otherwise, don't waste your time.

If they are asking for help doing something they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, you should consider passing.

If you help someone who doesn't reciprocate or takes credit for your time, then you're just enabling bad behavior. Don't do it. It's not good for you, it's not good for their growth and it's not good for your company.

So, if it's a win-win, just do it and with confidence that it's right for you and right for them and don't waste energy on /hesitation/trust-issues/feelings/whatever.

"Helping" others in of itself doesn't make you a good person. It makes you a caretaker. Caretaking babies is appropriate and a good thing to do. Doing things for capable adults that they are prefectly capable of doing themselves isn't. It makes you a tool and people will lose respect for you. Even the person you just helped.

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