Ask HN: I'm hesitant to helping colleagues, why?

I work in IT, and if you go the extra mile for a person one time they often expect that to be the norm from that point forward and may even tell other people about it who will then expect it to be the norm for them as well, and it just becomes extra work that's expected of you on top of your normal job duties, and if you complain or try to stop doing it you'll be seen as not a team player or lazy for trying to do less.

Or if you agree to do a favor for a co-worker one time, and then they ask a second and third time, and they start asking more frequently until eventually they're just coming to you every single time and it ends with you basically doing part of their job for them.

As you mentioned it can be helpful to do this because you do get those connections and influences with other people, you just have to decide if it's worth the effort to you personally to be doing what amounts the extra unpaid work to get those connections and influence.

Others can only grasp at reasons you find this difficult, only you will really know. Think about what it is that puts you off doing it, how does it go when you have done it in the past, what (if any) direct or indirect consequences are there afterwards.

Motivation is a key part. If you aren't a fan of the colleagues who ask for help then it's harder to be motivated. Especially if you think they are ungrateful (although it appears in your case that those who help are recognised for it).

The other aspect is that people asking for help are often lazy or at least have not tried sensible steps before asking - there is sometimes a legitimate concern that if you help someone for one thing, they'll be back with a dozen inappropriate requests for help and this is more likely the less effort they've put in. This is where it helps to have a clear sense of what is and is not reasonable for help - with my skillsets I can usually help people with a huge swath of problems even where I know less than they do about the topic but typically one needs to politely draw boundaries (usually) or you end up making no progress.

Back on the point about how it goes when you help people, it's worth thinking about how well / badly it goes. Is it easy or is the communication awkward? Do you feel you are knowledgeable enough to help or does it show up your limitations? Do you get shy? Do you resent them during or after it? Do you struggle to make the connection between helping and having a positive outcome? Would you be uncomfortable helping even if there was never going to be a clear benefit for you personally (ie altruism)

These are all really things only you can answer. Some of them will only be clear if you give it a go sometimes. I'd suggest you have a go and after try some introspection. It'll probably be fine. Remember: nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Just appreciate that you're alive because as long as thats true, the story continues.

For me personally it was a major shift that occurred over a couple years transformation. Before:

- I used to be extremely dogmatic about my thinking, would get into "fights" over adopting the perfect technical solutions (i.e. API design, specific ways of writing a component, ...). I was insufferable at times.

- I would find, honestly, a bit of pleasure at explicitly shutting down other people ideas, always in a polite-but-clearly-condescending way, bonus if in public with senior leaders in the room.

- I would generally not help people, thinking that if I did my relevance as technical expert would diminish. Very territorial behavior. When directly asked a question, I would typically reply as ambiguously as possible.

I don't remember what caused it, but I did a 180 degrees shift at some point based on the mantra "I am paid for being nice" and:

- I am genuinely nice in meetings. I always cheer people up, and if I see a suboptimal idea, I never ever belittle the person who suggests it, and start asking very polite and respectful questions (almost always in a private conversation to avoid "public" grilling) until the other person naturally sees the point I was trying to make. If the other person is not receptive to the engagement, I drop it quickly. It is not the end of the world if a mistake will be made as a result of a suboptimal idea, and I could always be proved wrong.

- When a person asks me for some quick help, it is common for me to thoroughly answer and then also offer a full 1-2 hours meeting and explain them everything I know about that area, including potential insights about the future. I still have a tiny bit of “cockiness” from my old days, enough that people don’t abuse my very open attitude to help.

I had to change company to pull off this transformation, because my reputation as "extremely smart and extremely productive brilliant jerk" was too ingrained in my old one, but I am generally happier now. I think most coworkers would describe me as "Helpful and generally competent guy, easy to talk to". I like that.

I can see many "old me" coworkers around, it is truly sad to witness and I can't believe I used to be like that.