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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#341

Post by pm90 »

owly wrote: post #230

LOL. Getting old is 35. ONLY $500K in savings at 35. Such a sad story. So sorry for you, as most people are lucky to have saved $50K at 35 or even 55! Money has no meaning if you are feeling lost with $500K. Seriously though, my advice would be stop comparing yourself to others. Older or younger, married or single, successful or not, fit or fat. Know thyself. Go on a meditation retreat. You have nothing to lose and n…

> my advice would be stop comparing yourself to others. Older or younger, married or single, successful or not, fit or fat

100% agreed.

Unfortunately we live in bodies that were hardwired to live in a hierarchical tribe; our early life is also a lot of rat racing. Just step aside from that, and know this: you are special in your own way. There’s nobody that’s just like you.

Also to be clear, if you had accomplished more you would probably feel like that wasn’t good enough either. Accomplishments just don’t satisfy inner needs unless they’re something you genuinely deeply care about (and not just to measure up in society’s totem pole).

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#342

Post by vocram »

urban_strike wrote: post #225
dr_faustus wrote: post #103

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice: 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of yo…

> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. In my view, having kids is a great way to take off the existential pressure of life being meaningless, by just having a default "do it for them" answer to every single question or hardship in life. And what then will give your child's life such a straightforward meaning? Well, just have kids of their own I guess, and their kids the same, al…

You say it like parents choose the easy explanation. But what if for some people the meaning of their life is to have kids? For sure parenting gives your life _a_ meaning. But I doubt people choose to have kids for that.

I think the choose of having kissy it’s more a mix of ambition, societal conventions and natural instinct.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#344

Post by interblag »

Aside from a lot of the other good advice on this thread I just wanted to remind the OP and anyone else feeling similarly right now to not forget about the covid situation. The last two years have not been normal. Social rhythms, relationships, work ... a lot of things have been disrupted. A degree of malaise is an incredibly common response.

Nothing in my post indicates what to do if this is your situation. But I think am accurate problem statement is a starting place to most good solutions in life, and the pandemic has become so much a part of like that it's easy to forget just how disruptive it has been to the normal trajectory of many of our lives.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#345

Post by bjornsing »

I had a very similar experience around 37. My latest startup had crashed, and I sort of woke up to the realisation that (for the first time) not all paths were open to me anymore.

To some extent I think this is just part of the natural cycle of life: the mid life crisis if you will. Looking back I think some of the feelings of regret and rumination on the "road not taken" was more or less symptoms of depression / acute crisis. That part will pass. Exercise helps.

For me it was also a lot about questioning the value system I had been born into and finding my own. And I don't mean just the high and mighty (political) values that we talk a lot about, but the really low level stuff we're often unaware of. If I had $500k in the bank and was in this situation I'd definitely try to find a good therapist (the freudian type - not KBT), and talk about your attitude to work, self-esteem, relationships and values.

For me this was a period of pretty dramatic and profound change. I have a feeling you could have it easier. If so I'd also consider putting some effort into finding a partner, and perhaps having children. But health comes first!

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#346

Post by joconde »

FpUser wrote: post #322
imoldfella wrote: post #181

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good things, but Memento Mori. No matter what you do, your health will fail eventually. Decide what your life is about and get about doing it.

I am 60 but very active and fit. Can't overstate the importance of it. It makes me feel young and I am constantly working on new projects, have lots of energy and general positive outlook. Clients do not believe my age when they see me. They think I am 40. Meanwhile at one point (year 2000) I was total physical and mental wreck after working as a lead architect for a company. Went on my own since then. What I do - My…

> My daily exercise routine is - 2 hour cardio

Do you have a full-time job? That would take most of my evenings if I decided to do it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#348

Post by Grustaf »

The thing to keep in mind is that you will always feel too old for something. When you're 18 you're too old to play, when you're 25 you're too old to party like a teenager, etc. But there's always something fun you can do at your age, and 35 is young. You can definitely go to festivals, you can travel, live in hostels, go surfing, snowboarding whatever.

But it's understandable that you're less excited about things, at 35 you're sort of programmed to have a young family. As you age that gets increasingly important. I still love extreme sports, travelling etc but compared to my kids it's just laughably pointless.

So use your financial freedom and take a year to get in great shape mentally and physically, train, travel, read and socialise. At the end of that you'll have no trouble getting hitched, and to be honest that's what matters, no matter what "voluntary" singles will tell you.

I know I will be downvoted for this but it's just the truth. I sacrifice my score in order to help you...

Feel free to email me btw if you want to talk about it, I've gone through very similar periods and know what it's like.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#349

Post by vaidhy »

xkbarkar wrote: post #223

I am 46 and I feel the same. I fill in all the advice tick boxes. Excellent physical health. I work out frequently and have no ailments other than slightly autistic personality. Great job and well compensated for it. Great economy, own my own place. Have adult child that has moved out and is doing well. On paper, I am doing extremely well. Inside, I wake up every morning really sorry I am still alive. This pointless…

If you want a friend to talk to, ping me. Please do get the professional help others have suggested.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#350

Post by codeivore »

you're not wrong that time is running out, i'm 35 too

It's your choice to think about your age, personally I just do whatever I want

35 is not too old to go to bars, there are tons of bars and clubs that specifically cater to people in their 30s

but really in my opinion you are good to go out as long as your health permits you to

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