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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#231

Post by tomerbd »

elzbardico wrote: post #165
hughrr wrote: post #132

I’m in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit with an ex partner and financial chaos. Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on: 1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marat…

Plus one in health and physical fitness. Buying a bicycle and using it daily was probably the best investment I ever made in myself. Also, I can't believe that I smoked those filthy cigarretes for so long, but how good is that I stopped this habit. About material realizations please remind that the average successful enterpreneur age is about 45. I only started being able to save serious, retirement-style money when…

Which bike did you buy?

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#232

Post by jart »

romanovcode wrote: post #177
jart wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

(3) is a very negative way of looking at things. Do you think Bill Gates did it on his own? You don't have to be famous in order to play a small part of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will be respected for generations.

> play a small part of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will be respected for generations. So do you know anyone from MS who played part except Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer? I would attribute the guy who invented C# and TypeScript a significant impact, however I don't even know his name without googleing it.

Well Tim Paterson for starters. He wrote their wildest hacks. Like this program that translated old CP/M binaries into i8086 code dynamically at runtime during the loading process, so that DOS could seamlessly transition people away from the Digital Equipment Corporation platform. Plus he wrote commands like `DEBUG` which like GDB normally require special kind of giftedness in order to create. What would Microsoft have been, if it weren't for unsung heroes like him?

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#233

Post by capableweb »

alt227 wrote: post #216
wayoutthere wrote: post #198

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Being an introvert does not remove your monkey brain’s need for social connection. Sure, it means being deliberate about when/how/who, but most people leading a solitary life are not happy.

Thankyou for confirming my point by using the word 'most'. It is rimportant to remember the group of people (however small) who operates outside of what is percieved as 'normal'.

It's true that people are different. It's worth remembering that a (however small) group of people also tend to justify their own behavior and that they are not "normal" can be an easy escape-latch for avoiding being uncomfortable but healthy.

I've been guilty of this in the past regarding sleep. "I don't need more than 6 hours of sleep per night" I kept telling myself and others, and I ran on that schedule for decades. When I started forcing myself to sleep more, I started to feel even better, and now I'm hovering around 8 hours per night and feel so much better. I didn't even realize I could feel better by doing something I didn't think was necessary, but it did improve me.

I've also done this related to relationships, where I found myself fine with being by myself for long stretches of time. I didn't really see any problems, and when people told me I have to see other people, I also used the "maybe I'm not "normal" and don't need it like others?" argument, which is what I told myself too. I didn't feel bad, but started seeking out more relationships anyways, and got so many benefits and became happier because of it, that I can't go back to being all alone again.

I'm not saying this applies to you, but maybe it applies to others who read. It's easy to get into the trap of lying to yourself (I'm guilty of it multiple times), with all kinds of reasons. If you can see past that, you can become happier, even if you're not miserable right now.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#235

Post by gusennan »

I just turned 35 and my situation is very similar to yours, with the exception being that I am married. Partners and family do give one's life a lot of meaning. That said, I'm glad you asked this question, as these topics have been occupying much of my thinking lately as well. I don't have the solution, but just want to let you know others feel the same as you (as you have probably already seen in the comments!)

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#236

Post by talkingtab »

I'm 73. So yes, when I was 35 I more or less thought my life was over. But the best is yet to come. Think about being in the same room for 35 years. No matter what the room is like, it becomes utterly and completely boring. So get out.

Where to go? For me, the answer came about from wondering what I was capable of becoming. You are not a programmer, or painter or duck or politician. You are capable of becoming anything - well almost. Art always made my heart sing, and while I am not a great artist, I now believe almost everyone can be at least a very good artist of some kind in some form. It is who we are - to sing or paint or write or whatever. And how can you find out if you are the Van Gogh of knitting unless you try?

And yes to the physical side of your being. If you have never done the equivalent of running 15 miles, or hiking up a mountain, or hiking a hundred miles then you just are not getting who you are. (Scaled of course to whatever is a "mountain" for you.) Go for it. [edit change year to room]

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#237

Post by xwdv »

readingnews wrote: post #196

I do not mean to tear down OP, but you are 35 and have $500k in savings. You lived in other countries, had startups and worked at a big company. You are not lost, you are one of the 1%. It sounds like you did a lot and now "normal" life that the rest of have to go through seems sucky. It is. I have years of experience, not 1/5th your savings, have not traveled and now I am actually too old for "big company" to hire m…

Although life starts for a lot of people at 35, I envy those people who are able to start much earlier. These are the people who have their first relationships in high school and college, find their life partner in early twenties, get the right job, a house, kids, keep their friend circle, invest money as early as possible, god damn. They live perfect fuckin lives and it’s all because they bravely jumped in and embraced life early on and focused on relationships with the people around them rather than mope around being shy, playing too many video games, jacking off into oblivion, wasting time chasing startup ideas that were never gonna go anywhere…

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#238

Post by wayoutthere »

Hey OP, I’m a couple years older than you but have gone through this over the last few years. Also haven’t had a serious relationship since I got divorced in my early 30s and was feeling stagnant in my career.

Things changed for me when I stopped giving a shit about work. It’s something I do for money. I enjoy being good at it, but I work my 40 a week, collect a paycheck, treat my direct reports like human beings rather than “resources” and go home.

I found having a creative hobby outside work helps. Putting all your creative energy into a job is frustrating because the job never gives you back as much as you put in. I took up piano at 35 having never had any exposure. I’m by no means good, but I enjoy it and it gives me something to do. I can see my progress, and it helps me not feel stuck in life. I do it for me.

Similarly, I have a competitive / athletic hobby. I’m not good at that either, but I’ve risen from dead last to middle of the pack. I’ve also met a lot of people through it who are great casual friends (not going to say what it is because it’s a really small niche of a niche).

So maybe try doing more things you know you’re bad at but have always wanted to do. Watching yourself grow through them helps prevent you from feeling stagnant. It also helps you be a more interesting person, which will help you in the dating scene.

And on dating, try to put yourself out of your comfort zone there too. Sadly with the pandemic most dating happens through apps. Maybe go out on a date with someone you normally wouldn’t, like a same-sex partner if the idea has ever held any appeal to you. It’s never too late to experiment, and at our age you should have already realized that nobody other than your mom gives enough of a shit about you to care what you do in life.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#239

Post by sillysaurusx »

jart wrote: post #202
sillysaurusx wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You don't have to be famous in order to play a small part of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will be respected for generations. Once someone leaves a company, their work generally fades into oblivion. Almost immediately, too. Are you around 25? I used to feel as you do. But at 34, I'm with OP.

I'm older than you. The code I write and the production systems I've brought online tend to stick around. It's because I pour my heart and soul into making them as beautiful and poetic as possible. Because I'm not just thinking about my paycheck. I'm thinking about the next guy who's going to be maintaining it, and how good his life is going to be, after I've moved on to a different project, and then the next guy. I…

It sounds like you haven't had the experience of being fired without notice, with one month of rent in savings.

Companies literally don't care whether you die. Why would you pour your heart and soul into something so soulless?

When I felt as you did, it ended up causing interpersonal conflicts when my vision of "good" didn't match my coworkers'. If you pour your heart and soul into something, and then everyone disagrees that it's good, then empirically you were a net negative for the team. Strike two for soulpouring.

I understand you might want to remain anonymous, but it's also telling that you didn't link to any examples of the work that you're proud of.

My point is, try not to judge others for not feeling as you do. Empathy is a difficult art, but it's worthwhile. It wasn't till I was diagnosed with narcolepsy that most of my work history made sense in hindsight -- zero companies were tolerant to missed meetings, with the thankful exception of my current role. (I wrote about my experiences here: https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150)

And no matter how much you care about your work, I bet you don't pour your heart and soul into meetings. So it always felt like the world cared about things I didn't, which in turn made me stop caring beyond professionalism.

But professionalism has merit. Once I detached my ego, I was able to take orders well, and to execute someone else's vision well. "Tool" is another name for that sort of person. And although I don't enjoy being a tool, I'm well-compensated for it, and the counterparty and I both walk away happy.

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