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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#481

Post by XCSme »

XCSme wrote: post #480

Not sure if it's any help, but I enjoyed the books "How to win friends and influence people" and currently "The Laws of Human Nature". The main gist is that many of the things you see in people are just a reflection of yourself, mostly your insecurities/defects. Try to really get to know people without instantly assigning the label "unattractive", "looking for a husband", "boring" when you see them. People are very c…

As for hobbies and ways to meet new people, my recommendation is always the same: table tennis.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#482

Post by sydthrowaway »

andrew_ wrote: post #427
rpozarickij wrote: post #423

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Any tips for finding such places? As for someone who has been living in the same city for their whole adult life, the thought of finding a place in a different country/city that would tick as many boxes as possible seems quite daunting.

I used AirBnB to spend a week at a time in different areas of the city I was targeting. I looked for places near things to do, walkable, parks, waterfront, where people congregate. After 8 weeks of bouncing around I narrowed it down and spoke to the locals I'd met along the way on which spots in the area I'd chosen were solid. I chose a small, two story complex with a pool in the center, near a popular stretch of bar…

What city?

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#483

Post by tobmlt »

Bhurn00985 wrote: post #353
tobmlt wrote: post #240

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great idea. Here is something that could be similar but more niche (sorry if too niche): join a meetup group for that does indoor rock climbing. If, say, meetup is a big thing where you are. Otherwise, check for, e.g. facebook groups that partner up climbers -- meet and learn! (likely need to take a class to learn the very basics first, assuming you know absolutely nobody and there is no meetup for it.) More laid bac…

I appreciated your comment. Any pointers on where to learn how to dress slightly up for an occasion ? I just don't have an eye for it.

Hey thanks. Reddit could be your friend here. Well, honestly, youtube as well.

Here's a good, to the point summary of a lot of things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgH_9Iy7_mQ (lot's of good advice from this guy I think, I the fact that he's selling you on his channel doesn't put you off)

0.) dress just a little bit nicer than average. Do this by simply dressing for the occasion and most likely it will just happen.

https://www.reddit.com/r/coolguides/comments/bfxiqb/how_to_d...

1.) Wear clothes that fit

https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/ehrtv/sh... https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/1hr3nk/h...

2.) Wear a watch:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Watches/comments/2mkg05/rwatches_bu... https://www.reddit.com/r/Watches/comments/1oawc3/meta_watche...

3.) understand when to wear what shoe

https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/p7usf/sh...

4.) Going out? Got a date? Wear a blazer:

https://suitsupply.com/en-us/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNe1dkaTfg0 (youtube, content starts at 2:06 or so. this guy wears more snickers than I'd be comfortable with, but it's fine for him, and yeah, anyway, some good ideas there)

Also critical, no how a suit should fit, tie your ties, etc. Reddit it all over this stuff so google reddit with your particular question and you should be on your way.

I hope that helps!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#484

Post by selimthegrim »

syntheweave wrote: post #373
abdabab wrote: post #349

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From a visitor’s perspective Portland seems cool and hip. What actually goes wrong when you live there?

While I haven't lived in Portland, when I visited in 2019 I was like, this is a larger Santa Cruz. And I have lived in Santa Cruz so I can make some extrapolations: * Stifling lack of local prospects; in SC, the majority of jobs were "over the hill" (SJ/SV) making it a bedroom community. Portland has a little more going on for itself but it doesn't have the strong jobs pull of a city like Austin, which Portland has o…

Portland State is an OK, not great university to boot.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#485

Post by magicroot75 »

shetill wrote: post #367
thrown wrote: post #83

> short guys looking for girlfriends > All the "normal" people Lol thanks. I used to have self-confidence issues because I'm short. Spent a lot of time at university feeling sorry for myself, unable to make friends or see myself as worthy of a girlfriend. Eventually realised that it's mostly in my head. I got over my self-esteem issues, went out and spoke to a stranger (ikr isn't that crazy?!) and he became my best f…

as a short man myself I agree that simply changing location or target audience can get you a partner. However it's not about how you see yourself and how confident you are so much, people will subconsciously judge you anyway and have more affinity to taller people than you. Nothing you can do about that. Just accept some people will like you and most won't.

As a 5'3 guy who is socially active I have a few nuances to add. It's not that people or even women won't like you. Women, even tall women will like you. They may even think you're cute or attractive. However, they will likely not be interested in dating you. Women tend to have an ability to see a man as valuable even if he's not "dateable."

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#486

Post by hartleybrody »

tenonyx wrote: post #159
kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

> I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow Thanks, what a great list! Would you mind sharing some more tips? :) How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity? In the past I had lots of good conversations with people met through hobbies, only to go back home and never speak to them again. How do…

> How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity?

This is where having multiple hobbies not only adds depth to conversations & makes you more interesting, it allows you to cross-pollinate your friend groups from each hobby. If you join a cross fit gym and a running group (as others have mentioned in the thread), then you invite someone from the gym to the group or vice versa.

The invitation can either be a "I think you'd really enjoy this activity", in which case you're introducing them to something new and cool, or it can be "I think you'd really like the people I do X with" in which case you're helping them meet friends.

People who take you up on the offer to either try something new or meet new people with you as their guide are sure to become friends. You get to see each other in new elements and your relationship can now trascend simply doing one activity together.

I think this approach feels a lot more natural than jumping straight to "hey, I've seen you at the rock gym a bunch, let's get coffee?" which can feel like a big jump and somewhat forced.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#488

Post by johncarfax »

This is not a software developer problem, this is a socially awkward dude problem.

You go to places for socially awkward people and are astonished to meet socially awkward people. Woah, who would have thought.

Yes, your peers are changing diapers. But here's a brilliant idea - you are a man and women love older men with resources. Go to places where these younger women are and you will solve your problem.

What will not solve your problem is yapping about it on hackernews, because as you may have guessed, young women are not known to hang out at hackernews.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#489

Post by Zanneth »

selimthegrim wrote: post #300
Eric_WVGG wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ll second the city bit. Your experience sounds very much like my existence in not-really-a-city Portland, OR. I moved to NYC and everything about my life got better fast. The only quirk is that COVID kneecapped socializing badly, that’s either temporary or civilization is doomed /shrug

I fled to New Orleans from Portland after two and a half years of that shit and never looked back.

I visited Portland in late 2020 and I couldn’t believe how dystopian it became. It used to be such an amazing city.
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