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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#361

Post by EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK »

mdoms wrote: post #200
ip26 wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people I'd also add the more "regular", the more likely you are to find regular people. The stereotypical events & hobbies recommended for meeting people can unsurprisingly wind up chock-full of outcast-sorts who are also looking to meet people. If you want to find a real group, and a variety of ordinary folks, you want to expressly avoid all the sort of t…

Yeah I often see people recommend board game groups for people like OP which is shocking to me. Take a look at the people attending these events. They're not what OP is looking for. Look for normies hobbies.

But normies' hobbies at that age are, as OP said, changing diapers and family picnics.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#362

Post by MichaelRazum »

Honestly I can very understand the situation. To be honest I don't have a solution for you. But let me comment on some points:

- Is travel really the solution? I mean isn't it not just walking away from you problems. Yeah I know myself some really great guys who went to Thailand or Philippines and had much more success with women there. One found his wife. Anyway that might be the solution.

- Regarding the age. According to a well known formula you can date people 1/2(your age) + 7. So it is nothing that special dating someone in their 20s if you are in your 30s.

- Regarding dance: Maybe you went to the wrong places. What you describe is not always the case.

- Regarding the Job: I once did had a very very exciting job with a lot of coding involved. Everyone was working a lot here. Changing the job kind of helped (low stress, nice people). It's much more about your team then the actual tasks in my opinion. Also jobs with a lot of meetings in big companies might be the hell for some of us, but might be a blessing for others since you often have to communicate much more.

If you found a solution. Please let me know ; )

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#363

Post by p0d »

I recommend finding a local church.

I didn't grow up going to church but I started going as a young adult. I met my wife and nearly all my closest friends there. I still go 30 years later.

I love my church community. It has wonderful people, weird people, intelligent people, mentally disabled people, rich people, poor people, programmers, bin men and at least a dozen people I call close friends.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#365

Post by jstrebel »

Honestly, I can relate to your situation - been there, done that. I think I am a step further now, I kind of found a fitting lifestyle for myself. The absolutely first thing that you really need to do, is finding a girlfriend.

Don't worry about being nerdy - there is someone out there waiting for you! You are an attractive man. Finding a spouse will dramatically improve your quality of life.

There are enough options to reach this goal. Online dating comes to mind, but it might take a while to find the right match, so hang in there!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#366

Post by oschvr »

kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

I love this advice. As a 31 y/o in another country. The mindset of saying "yes" to all, has brought me great stuff.

I got it from the movie "Yes, man". Its surprisingly good advice

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#367

Post by shetill »

thrown wrote: post #83

> short guys looking for girlfriends > All the "normal" people Lol thanks. I used to have self-confidence issues because I'm short. Spent a lot of time at university feeling sorry for myself, unable to make friends or see myself as worthy of a girlfriend. Eventually realised that it's mostly in my head. I got over my self-esteem issues, went out and spoke to a stranger (ikr isn't that crazy?!) and he became my best f…

as a short man myself I agree that simply changing location or target audience can get you a partner.

However it's not about how you see yourself and how confident you are so much, people will subconsciously judge you anyway and have more affinity to taller people than you. Nothing you can do about that. Just accept some people will like you and most won't.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#368

Post by jseban »

tarsinge wrote: post #358
zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

> The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people Just be careful what you are asking for. Non-nerdy people are becoming extremely boring in their 30's. I'm not sure why you would prefer discussing celebrities/sports results/car/superficial politics with good looking people instead of having a great time and connecting with people and not caring about how they look. Hopefully you can find interes…

It's not about looks, it's about social skills. Can someone be friendly, make friends, make you feel good. Or are they awkward, unpleasant and weird.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#369

Post by shetill »

conductr wrote: post #230

While perhaps a loaded suggestion, if you have the tolerance for it, I’d suggest attending a church. You can utilize the social aspect without fully committing to the spiritual aspects. The reason I suggest it is because of it’s role as the post-college college where you can build deep relationships and people of all ages are genuinely wanting to network specifically to build a community. They’re not doing happy hour…

Can you really decouple all the religious things and just focus on friends building? As an atheist I would feel like an impostor there and to myself for using that place just to make friends.

Also sounds like you skip most of the talks and just go for the church afterparty?

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#370

Post by shetill »

SquibblesRedux wrote: post #69

Some ideas that may or may not pan out: - Get a pet. - Volunteer for a non-profit organization. - Go to church. - Visit and talk frequently with family members. - Join an online dating service. - Talk with or visit your neighbors as frequently as feasible. - Every time you go out shopping, make a point of engaging in light conversation with people who work where you shop. - Take music lessons at a music store. Make a…

Not to be a bummer but:

- don't get a pet thinking it's all fun and games. It' a huge responsibility and you have to take care of them constantly. Even going on holiday becomes a lot more difficult because you have to find someone to take care of it and trust that person and possibly pay them which adds on the whole holiday cost.

- go church - if you are religious maybe? What would you do there as an atheist?

- Talk to neighbours? Must be an American thing here in London people actively avoid one another. I've barely ever spoken to neighbour and that's if I get stuck in lift with them.

- engaging in casual conversation with people who work there... as someone who did this job long time ago I can tell you I couldn't care less people talking to me, you are just an obstacle to finishing my shift.

- random collisions with people rarely lead to friendships you need organised regular events where you meet the same people and eventually befriend.

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