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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#31

Post by vagabund »

tenonyx wrote: post #13
throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

I'm not sure how well this will be received on HN, but if you're looking for a meeting place with folks that generally skew toward more community integration / more vibrant social lives, and which doesn't require already knowing someone, I'd suggest picking up a sport. Granted, you'll have to contend with the stereotypical "bro" types, but there'll also be well-adjusted young professionals in a similar position as yourself, and sports naturally lend themselves toward friendship building. From personal experience, whenever I'm in a new city, I find a local basketball run and before long am going out for drinks / food / concerts with people I consider friends, and have even found roommates in this way.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#32

Post by leashless »

Burn out. Or maybe some kind of clinical depression.

1) covid's almost over, and that'll help

2) Burning Man? I'm semi-serious here.

3) After 10 years away from writing code, I took a full stack contract to do something esoteric and difficult, without a tight deadline. It took me nearly three months to recover 100% of my coding capability, and after the contract ended, nearly three months to recover my social skills.

It's a very very hard job. To be better than the technical problem is much, much harder than being better than (say) competing bankers or lawyers. The opponents are not human when you write code. They're harder to defeat.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#35

Post by moneywoes »

I hate to be that guy but you might be viewing those previous college days with rose tinted glasses. However, I do see where you're coming from. For some such as myself, those days were spent working menial jobs for minimum wage to afford abhortently expensive international student tuition. While that sounds bleak, and yes working 30 hours while studying full time was, those coworker relationships ( besides the ex haha) at those part time jobs turned out to be very fulfilling. After managing to find a full time dev job I found things a lot more dull especially since most of my post work time is spent trying to reach find a better full time job as you have already. My suggestion would be to find a part time retail job, the shared struggle with other employees will be hugely beneficial to making connections. If you have questions feel free to shoot me an email.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#37

Post by taylortrusty »

I felt similar to you while living in Kentucky and turning 30. It felt like all my friends had moved onto the next phase of their life and I wasn't ready for that. I felt unmotivated and stuck, but also felt guilty because I had an income and a job that I felt I should be happy to have.

Moving to NYC completely changed my perspective and my life. Moving also had other impacts: it forced a change of scenery, forced me to make new friends, learn about new parks, learn all new neighborhoods to walk through with no prior memories, I felt inspired with new ideas for the first time in a long time, forced new hobbies and ways of spending time (hello volleyball! hello going to 5 networking events in one night!) and the process of introducing myself to new people over and over made me realize I didn't like what I was doing for work.

I'm not advocating for NYC specifically. I was in Austin last weekend and felt a similar draw there, so if I was 30 and in that stuck spot today that's probably where I'd go to start. There's an energy that dense cities have that forces change, in my experience.

Good luck to you! It can be a very rewarding journey.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#38

Post by tayo42 »

tenonyx wrote: post #13
throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

> Traveling and digital nomading is definitely on my list, the pandemic delayed the plans.

Ironically, I find this to be even more isolating. One thing is right in the name, nomad, your not making and permanent or lasting friendships. Sure, you meet a lot of people but everyone is just going on their own after. Also I find travel to not be something relatable at all to most people. Most people can't do it, and get weird about it. Its very expensive or you need to luck into a certain life style. No one is interested in seeing travel pics or talking about places ime.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#39

Post by Eric_WVGG »

zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

I’ll second the city bit. Your experience sounds very much like my existence in not-really-a-city Portland, OR. I moved to NYC and everything about my life got better fast. The only quirk is that COVID kneecapped socializing badly, that’s either temporary or civilization is doomed /shrug

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#40

Post by zebraflask »

throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

At the risk of going off-topic, I'm a little taken aback by how we're all still in the middle of a global pandemic. Vaccines don't provide bulletproof immunity and aren't intended to be a license to gather in groups, etc., without precautions.

From that description, your neighbors don't sound particularly appealing. What's there to be envious of re: that?

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