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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#1

Post by tenonyx »

As I write this post, my neighbors from above, probably college students, are having a party of their lifetime, laughing, kicking and screaming. I'm not even mad at them, just full of envy.

The last time I had fun like this was in college. I was broke, renting a big flat with a bunch of roommates, but young, healthy, and full of enthusiasm (and booze). Finding friends in my teens and 20s was as easy as going out literally anywhere. When I eventually went to work, I thought my life would only get better. And I made a good career, but in the process, steadily drifted off into isolation.

These days I work either from home, or at best in a mostly empty office. I tried to meet new people at hobbies and dance lessons, but guess what - they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc.

All the "normal" people I knew in the past are now changing diapers and working to pay off their mortgages, which I guess is a kind of consolation. Still, I'm only in my 30s, and it feels like my life is pretty much done. Doing things by myself is boring and depressing, and getting into a group of "normal" friends, of both genders, to hang out and laugh with, seems like an impossible goal.

In case someone has any advice beyond finding a hobby, going to therapy, approaching random strangers, it would be greatly appreciated. I don't have any skills other than coding, so quitting the career would be a major financial hit. On the other hand, I feel that finding a non-coding job would be ultimately the best way to find new social groups, and get out of the apathy

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#2

Post by throwawaynay »

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc."

So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man.

Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other travelers, maybe try coworking spaces? hacker houses/airbnbs with people from lots of different places?

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#5

Post by starkd »

throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

Even supposedly "unattractive" or "aging" women can start to look more attractive as you get to know them. It's really amazing the transformation that can happen. So much of what is attractive is subjective. It's hard to see that when younger, but it's true. Besides, the attractiveness we associate with youth inevitably fades anyway.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#7

Post by joemazerino »

Sorry to hear all of this.

I would recommend looking at your life the same way you look at your code (presumably you care about the quality of code you write). Try something different and if it does not work then try something else. No one will be handing you what you want on a silver platter and if they did you certainly would not appreciate it ;)

Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#8

Post by tomcam »

First off, good on you for willing to take suggestions. That's a wonderful first step.

My approach to this has always been to start with first principles. It has unerringly kept me in a position where the general state of my life felt coherent and fulfilling.

I'm about to get specific but it's only to illustrate how this framing helped me. I am not at all trying to say you choose the same set of options I did.

For me having a balanced family life was always going to be mandatory, even though I tend toward workaholism. Having one parent stay at home and take care of the kids was high up there (didn't have to be me, but I like work and my wife doesn't ;). Marrying someone with similar values was essential. Nearly as important was work that fulfilled me and that was consonant with my moral/ethical requirements. At the bottom was making enough money that I could take care of my family.

Definitely not saying you should adopt those same values. What I'm saying is that it helped us figure out what decisions would help us in the long run. We opted not to move to Silicon Valley because we hated the work/life imbalance there. We made less money early on (pre kids) because my wife didn't work. At that time I did a lot of freelancing and studying. My wife understood that work was necessary and didn't bug be about it, though we still went out to movies and restaurants, based on a tight budget (it was fun). We didn't have the extra expenses or stress of a second working person, but my working & studying at night gave me the skills to get very successful later. We both hated debt so we happily lived without a kitchen table and ate on the floor for a few months until we could pay cash for one.

Another hack I have is to set things up so second best is still pretty good. When I was younger I wanted to be rock star but at some point in my early 20s I realized that wouldn't happen. I chose second best, programming--for which I had zero aptitude and almost no experience. Had to work as a tech writer so I could teach myself programming, but eventually got there. Another example of second best working out well: we used to live on the beach in Southern California. But when we worked out what was most important to us, it turned out the Pacific Northwest was better all in all. Would I rather live on the water in Newport Beach? Hell yes! But we live on a beautiful peaceful farm outside of Seattle where life is much more sane, there's actual privacy, and there's plenty of room for animals and band instruments. A damn good second best.

I always loved programming and feel lucky to do it. Maybe you don't like it as much? Perhaps it would be worthwhile to do a spreadsheet listing other options that you'd like, and start making moves toward the next step in your life.

Last, once you've settled on how to be a pretty good version of yourself, you'll find it sort of magnetizes other people to you. I am totally not good looking but I'm comfortable in my own skin and confident about where I'm going. It has made a massive difference in my life.

Good luck. This whole situation could wind up working out well for you.

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