Loving Someone with Depression • Hacker News Board

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#271

Post by supernovae » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 6:24 PM UTC

jokoon wrote: post #148

orasis wrote: post #37

Yeah sorry. I’m not going to just listen. A lot of the time you need to push them to take the next step because they are STUCK. Go exercise, eat some healthy food, take your damn meds, try new meds, try ketamine if suicidal, try psilocybin if treatment resistant. But coddling depression just drags it out longer and digs the spiral deeper. Yes, it is a disease which means it needs to be treated.

Stop recommending psilocybin if you're not a doctor

self diagnosis casues a lot of our issues in modern society and its sadly turning into a popular thing to do - especially for young women.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#272

Post by ativzzz » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 6:25 PM UTC

sudosteph wrote: post #141

ativzzz wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Did you turn to organized religion? I find that I don't really believe in anything enough (not just religion) to be a spiritual person. How did you develop a spiritual component?

Yeah, I did put my hope in Jesus and turn to Christianity. I didn't consider myself spiritual either beforehand. I never did psychedelics or believed in anything supernatural, or believed in some higher power or meaning before I made the decision to believe in Jesus' claims. It was a decision based on evaluating the state of my own self, and evaluating Jesus and his words. Though to give some background, even when I…

Thanks for the response! Might be something I need to explore at some point since I'm struggling with overall purpose for life.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#273

Post by supernovae » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 6:42 PM UTC

ir123 wrote: post #159

nus07 wrote: post #73

I suffer from depression and oscillate between days of high productivity and days of listlessness. I am a fairly decent programmer who has cracked FAANG interviews and got PIPed out of one in the past mostly due to my depression . I now work at a job which pays me well but is nowhere close to FAANG levels and I am fine with that because I need a job that allows me the 1-2 days in two weeks where I can barely do anyth…

Hi, I'm pretty much in the same situation. I have bursts of high productivity and then periods where I cant get out of bed. It's not bipolar because it's not random, there are things that trigger the change. I also had offers from FAANG but I purposely did not take it because I know myself and I know that these companies are not forgiving. I did something much more risky and moved to an ecommerce firm in Europe. I th…

Seek out a therapist. Do a once-a-week session. It will help you a lot. There are also online systems that are more group based, where you run through sessions but have guides online that can help - i found those great for me to help find ways to cope with things - not as being depressed but avoiding depression in everything else that is going on. (I have a bi polar kid who attempted suicide)

I'm in tech, been in similar shoes. Besides therapy, I found going for walks to be exactly what I needed. Don't do ANYTHING but walk.

After you get a few walks, don't bring music but instead listen to an audio book of a book that you have been itching to read/finish. Take as LONG as you need to finish it - it's not a race. But sooner or later, you may find yourself walking more to listen to that audio book and you may find your spirits lifted when you stop to pause and live in the moment on the walk.

Walking can also change you from those doldrum times of floating in and out of work to busting out productivity a lot more - because it gives you the freedom and headspace to have clarity.

Whatever you do, don't fall into the "manage it all" trap. Humans and our brains are complex systems, we have to give them space to work. Buying shit to track your day, track everything, graph everything, be extremely detail oriented just adds anxiety into the mix. Give yourself room and space.

Listen to music that feeds that room and space. I've grown to love to mess with synthesizers because the sound is full of space and dimensions and movement even if it's stupid simple and you can get it all growly and fun - but warm

being a tech guy i see so many people burn out more because they buy a smart watch to track stuff and smart phone to track stuff and they try and journal everything and review everything - but that becomes more work and distracts you from the headspace we all desperately need.

as for going home, I'd start with a visit (when safe to do so). If found out that home is what i make of it and living where my family lived wasnt home anymore and there was nothing wrong with that - but i absolutely love visiting my family whenever I can and that was the hard thing with holidays this year - not doing that again. I had a potential covid exposure and my dad is mid 70s so i didn't want to risk being the one to spread it.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#274

Post by cm2012 » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 6:56 PM UTC

robotnikman wrote: post #263

cm2012 wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just want to say that dogs are not a magical panacea. I've seen them make life worse for depressed people (many dogs have behavioral problems that a depressed person is not equipped to deal with). If you're on the fence about taking on the responsibility of pet ownership, I'd lean towards the side of not getting one. Some of the problems I've seen with people who've adopted dogs: 1) One dog got scared by a loud firew…

Unfortunately going through a situation with a dog now which has led me deep into depression again. My dog which I adopted 4 months ago has resource guarding issues which has caused him to bite me and my roommates multiple times, and has unfortunately led to an ultimatum from my roommates which I got yesterday that its either me or the dog. I have tried for months working with the dog and spent thousands on training…

You're making the only and right choice. If the shelter or anyone else guilts you about it, fuck them.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#275

Post by supernovae » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 6:57 PM UTC

bbqmaster999 wrote: post #241

When I read these comments and see so many fellow HNers are in are in relationships with depressed partners it makes me wonder what’s going on. My ex wife was severely depressed for over a decade and so is my new partner of a couple years. I know leaving my ex was the right thing to do but now I’m back in a pretty similar situation. Having a partner who won’t get out of bed til after noon, won’t exercise, and eats on…

People cope differently. I know i gravitate towards doing more things (and used to buy more things) and i felt like "doing" was better than "not doing" but both were unhealthy sides of the same coin.

I used to joke "man, if only there was a few months where i could sit at home and finish all the things i wanted to do" and 2 years into covid being at home i haven't done any of that shit i realized my extreme desire to stay busy and occupied was no different than my partners desire to not feel like do anything - i just "coped" differently.

Once we got over that, we could realize what each other were doing and not feel like it was poisoning the relationship. My wife now gives me space and I give her space but we meet in the middle a lot more and things have gotten better.

We practice the relaionship bits with intention now and that helps too.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#276

Post by supernovae » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 6:58 PM UTC

cm2012 wrote: post #63

My wife has something close to borderline personality disorder with the primary feature of fear of abandonment (she was abandoned as a child). As you can imagine, this has been stressful. Culminating in her attempting suicide when I had to go to work one morning. Luckily after three tries, the fourth therapist did the trick. He specialized in treating emotional regulation disorders with DBT therapy. My wife can now f…

DBT is what saved my kids life too

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#277

Post by steve_adams_86 » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:37 PM UTC

dempseye wrote: post #224

steve_adams_86 wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife does this too. Granted, I’m diagnosed with ADHD, but when it comes to chores I’m kind of battle-hardened and quite diligent. I found trying to get ahead of chores very demoralizing and exhausting. My wife hasn’t found a solution yet. She will sleep in until 11 on a weekend and get out of bed only to get upset with what hasn’t yet been done. She does very little with herself outside of work. Like your wife, an…

The whole "I need to do better because I have ADHD" thing sounds like a narrative she uses to gaslight you into being her slave. All the focus in your post is on your duties, not on hers. I obviously don't know your relationship from the inside, but I experienced similar and it was relief to get away from it.

You might be onto something. I know my friends and family hate to watch it, and my gut feelings often contradict my eventual actions. I know there are unhealthy elements at play, and I'm guilty of perpetuating some of it. These relationships aren't one sided.

I think a major complication is that she's somewhat manic in that she has highs and lows. Her lows are extremely low. When she's higher though, she can be very pleasant, kind, good to her family, etc.

I find it very difficult to nail down who she is on that spectrum, or where she might eventually land between those states, and how I can judge her or my decisions based on how things fluctuate so much.

The word gaslighting is absolutely accurate, though. She does this a lot and I wish she didn't. I'm vulnerable to it because I tend to blame myself and hesitate to engage in confrontation when I'm uncertain of myself.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#278

Post by Broken_Hippo » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 7:55 PM UTC

fleddr wrote: post #251

Broken_Hippo wrote: post #152

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This honestly just sounds like you dislike modern society and have serious misgivings about what mental illness does to people. Your list of behaviors illustrates this: - Sleep small amounts of absurd hours A small amount of research will let you know this isn't necessarily a sign of depression, even if you witness it in others. Many folks sleep entirely too much instead. Not only that, but this is easily something o…

I can't believe you're trying to justify and normalize that entire list. It literally means you ignore every basic function of your body, and consequently your mind. It's a zombie lifestyle. Exercise isn't a cure-all because reasons and people have no shoes. What!?

They are normal, though. It doesn't mean folks are ignoring everything, it means they are normal. And honestly, I could argue about the abnormality of exercise since our ancestors weren't spending daily time running for the sake of running. The comment about shoes was displaying that folks have different sorts of battles to get these things done - more offering an alternative to the status you gave folks that do these things.

If you don't like it, don't do it. It doesn't make other's lifestyle less normal.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#279

Post by onemoresoop » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 8:48 PM UTC

redisman wrote: post #142

istorical wrote: post #84

I wonder when fecal microbiome transplant will be the next 'just try psilocybin / ketamine' and if it will work well. Find a happy friend and freeze some of their poop, put it in gelcap, swallow it. See if it fixes the eternal sad.

You’re supposed to put it up your butt, not swallow it

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2...

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#280

Post by ntSean » Mon, Jan 03, 2022, 9:35 PM UTC

Broken_Hippo wrote: post #152

codeafin wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Glad to see this, as someone who has almost only been with people with depression, this article was a very aggressive "You're not doing enough, you're doing it wrong, you're not trying hard enough, you should be doing better" which is hypocritical. The post did not come from a place of compassion or support, but entitlement. This article doesn't understand how hard it is to listen to hours, days, months, years of a p…

This honestly just sounds like you dislike modern society and have serious misgivings about what mental illness does to people. Your list of behaviors illustrates this: - Sleep small amounts of absurd hours A small amount of research will let you know this isn't necessarily a sign of depression, even if you witness it in others. Many folks sleep entirely too much instead. Not only that, but this is easily something o…

What you've highlighted isn't incorrect, but we'd be missing the forest for the trees if we were just to only focus on each individual aspect of depression.

Exercise is required to be a human. Walking 10,000 steps each day is a good rule of thumb, it doesn't require proper shoes, or any equipment. Many people will get there just through their day-to-day activities. If that's unachievable, there are games like Ring Fit which are very accommodating.

Sleep is required to be a human. 7-8 hours a day. It doesn't need to be all at once, but it is so important not to devalue those restorative hours.

Food is required to be a human. Our gut biome is instrumental to cognitive well-being; our brain requires Omega-3 fatty acids which can not be produced within our body, and important vitamins such as D, B-12, iron, etc. are often not available in many processed foods (which is why many are becoming fortified!)

Lacking in all the above is co-emergent depression, as well as a recipe for systemic health issues.