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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#91

Post by rubicon33 »

kindadepressing wrote: post #80
rubicon33 wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey there... As someone who is now in their mid 30's, but whos depression started in their early 20s, let me beg you - do not wait to get treatment. It won't go away, and it will take years from you. Don't let it take what should be some of the best years of your life. If you don't approach depression as a disease that needs treatment, then you will resist doing anything about it and it will silently suck the joy out…

Hey, thanks for your response. It’s heartening to see someone who cares for the well-being of strangers. Not to be even more of a downer, but… I feel like I’m running out of options. I’ve tried Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, and Remeron, prescribed by 3 different doctors. I’ve seen 6 different therapists. I’m extremely privileged to say that I’m currently seeing a Stanford PhD out-of-network weekly. I’ve heavily e…

It really does pain me to know that anyone, including yourself, suffers with depression. It's an illness which I would not wish onto even my worst enemy, because of how cruel it really is. You are living life, but you are not truly alive. Depression kills you day by day.

I'm sorry that none of the treatments have worked for you. I can understand how that leaves you feeling very little hope. It may provide some comfort to know however, that it is often a problem of finding the one treatment that works. It's a crude science of essentially trial and error, but there should still be some hope that you can find some combination of medication and therapy that will help. Don't give up on your search. It's a matter of life and death.

The social aspect very well could be a major factor for you. Given you have tried so many medications, that does lead one to wonder if it's not some chemical imbalance but rather a deep void left by a feeling of disconnectedness from social circles. In that case, you owe it to yourself to work on this.

Work on becoming more social. Just like learning to ride a bike, or learning geometry, you can learn to be more social. Do it for your mental health. I fully understand how it feels to hear the words "work" as someone with depression. It's the great conundrum of the disease - you have no energy, no willpower, no drive, nothing. Giving advice to "work on yourself" is well, bad advice frankly. But that's where therapy, and medication, can give you the little "boost" that you need to start putting in the work to your personal life where it's needed most.

How to be social is about finding your community, your people.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#92

Post by BHSPitMonkey »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #86
azalemeth wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

When somebody says "I choose to believe ___", it means they are not actually convinced of that thing (i.e. that it is hopeful/wishful thinking).

For what it's worth, GP, I think you did the right thing too.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#93

Post by ineedasername »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #86
azalemeth wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

I'm not confused at someone being conflicted about a past action, especially a very hard decision. It also seems rational to hope that any negative consequences were minimal.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#94

Post by rsyring »

khazhoux wrote: post #83
rsyring wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife was married before me, it was terrible, and eventually divorced him. She would still consider my comment very applicable to someone in this kind of situation. The comment netted 60 upvotes...so I'm not the only one that thinks this way. It's not tone deaf, it's not discounting the pain and frustration that marriage can bring. It is challenging the pervasive self focus of our culture, over emphasis on personal…

> My wife was married before me, it was terrible, and eventually divorced him. And yet you dismissed my original comment with a cheap shot about my friend not honoring his wedding vow and just chasing a selfish happiness. You might consider that there are many other people who find themselves in terrible marriages, as your wife did.

Sorry you felt like I dismissed your original comment with a cheap shot. The brevity was intended to highlight the divergence between what is vowed and what really governs. Provocative, yes. But it wasn't intended to be cheap or dismissive.

I'm aware of the potential apparent dissonance with my comments and my wife's divorce. But, I mentioned it deliberately. I do think divorce may sometimes be a wise answer. But, IMO, a big component of that evaluation should be what vows were actually made.

You have more optimism about the general moral character of our culture. But that's likely a worldview difference and not worth delving into at this point.

I will say that my insistence on moral virtue and commitment in marriage (or commitment in general even) is intended to be diagnostic in nature, not destructive. After all, it wasn't that many years ago that most in Western culture would have shared my views on marriage and vows. I don't believe that shift in culture is healthy and I point it out in the hope that if we ask the right questions, maybe we'll start getting the right answers.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#95

Post by ineedasername »

AussieWog93 wrote: post #69
rsyring wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

I read your other comment. It was full of fluff and completely tone-deaf and inapplicable to anyone who has actually been through such a situation. I'd go so far as to point it out as an example of why nobody listens to philosophers any more.

FWIW, that comment doesn't really resemble the formal field of Philosophy.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#96

Post by [deleted] »

orasis wrote: post #89
mnl wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[Deleted this as it was obviously unnecessary]

Multiple friends and family members are currently successfully managing their depression. Prior to that multiple weren't able to manage their depression and killed themselves. I had a close friend thank me on her birthday for suggesting ketamine - she said she probably wouldn't be alive without me making her aware of it.

[deleted]

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#97

Post by donatj »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #20

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me pr…

Every piece of this rings so true to my own experience. My wife suffers clinical depression. It has been no joke the biggest challenge of my entire life.

When it is under control, life is great. When it's not, it's not. We've been through many meds and doctors and therapists.

We're in a decently stable place right now, but there's always a fear in the back of my mind "but for how long". Her previous meds worked for years and then just... Stopped. There was also the "fun" 6 months where she decided she didn't need then anymore - spoilers, she did.

We're currently quarantining because we both caught COVID over Christmas. We've both been sick for a solid week at this point and the cracks are kind of showing.

All this is to say you're not alone, and there are others. Hold in there.

Addendum: I’ve looked for like online support for people in this sort of relationship and come up largely short. I looked at BetterHelp but couldn’t really justify the cost. If anyone has any recommendations, I’d love to hear it.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#98

Post by [deleted] »

azalemeth wrote: post #27
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

[deleted]

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#99

Post by Talanes »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #86
azalemeth wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

Not GP, but when you really WANT to believe something and are aware of that fact, it can be hard to separate out whether that thing is actually true or if you've just subconsciously convinced yourself it is.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#100

Post by DoreenMichele »

ineedasername wrote: post #93
DoreenMichele wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

I'm not confused at someone being conflicted about a past action, especially a very hard decision. It also seems rational to hope that any negative consequences were minimal.

I'm an internet stranger. I know nothing of their life but what they have said here and me patting them on the head is unlikely to be of any help.

But sometimes reflecting back to someone what they just said about their own life is helpful for them.

Perhaps not in this case, given the downvotes and pile on of replies.

Anytime you try to help, it risks going sideways. I'm prone to trying anyway.

Chalk it up to longstanding bad habit (insert wry smile).

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