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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#101

Post by crispyambulance »

lettergram wrote: post #4

My advice is to keep your parents moving for as long as possible. Motivation and exercise is what keeps people alive and happy. I once knew a 92 year old who benched 140lbs and who’s grip was a vice. He worked out every day for ~2 hrs. Was one of the most impressive things I’ve seen. All that said, perhaps ask them what they want? For instance, their motivation might not be meals or cleaning. Getting a maid or food s…

One major thing you have to worry about with octogenarians is falls. There are all sorts of injuries related to falls but the worst one is to break a hip. It can happen very easily.

When old folks break a hip, it sets off a chain of consequences that are really, really bad for their health and quality of life. To begin with, it immediately requires hospitalization and major surgery. Then, a period of immobilization starting with a "short term" stay in a nursing home followed by weeks of rehabilitation. During all that time, they're susceptible to many different complications. It's basically the beginning of the end for many.

This happened to my mother. In the course of 3 years: broken hip, stroke, and UTI followed by near-fatal sepsis (which precipitated dementia). After all that she lost the ability to walk and we had to put her in a skilled nursing facility for the rest of her life.

Best thing you can do is to make sure you get advice from an elder-care attorney about end-of-life problems and financial planning. There can be dire financial consequences for the family if any money is transferred from the elderly to family members within 5 years of going on medical assistance (thanks to George W Bush's "deficit reduction act" of 2005).

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#102

Post by refurb »

criddell wrote: post #75
refurb wrote: post #13

For my grandparents it came down a combination of persuasion (hard when cognitive condition declined) and just making decisions for them. Finding housing that works better (an apartment on one level) is one approach - sell them on the benefits of independent living for longer. But eventually it was finding a home with 24/7 nursing care they weren’t too opposed to. It’s not easy and as the parent of a young child I re…

Did your grandparents end up liking their new home? My grandmother resisted going into a home for a long time. When she finally did, her quality of life improved considerably. She was much more socially active just because she was around so many people. She played cards, sang in a choir, and ate meals with friends every day. She even found a boyfriend. She was too stubborn to ever admit such a thing, but I think she…

Very similar. Strong resistance to the loss of independence but eventually they realized their quality was drastically improved.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#103

Post by fallinghawks »

vr46 wrote: post #45
foobarbaz33 wrote: post #15

Your dad crawling up the stairs is helping to fend off muscle atrophy. There's a risk of course. Falling down the stairs could lead to death after complications. But it's not as out-right bad as you might assume, and crawling reduces the fall risk a bit. Falling is a risk even with normal walking. But if you don't have some movement in their life, they degrade faster and die sooner. There is risk from all choices

Falling has worse outcomes than the immediate ones. Both my parents passed away after a chain of events that began with a low-speed fall just onto the floor that damaged their lower body. The resulting incapacity and muscular wastage led to a multitude of issues that I don't want to go into but I would say that keeping elderly people safe from falls is extremely important. That and diet and healthcare. Activity is cr…

My mom went a similar way. Low speed fall right after her bath, no obvious damage, but she was on the floor for over 48 hours. Life alert was not a waterproof model and so she had not yet put it back on. The weakness induced by lack of food and water then being in a hospital bed for weeks rendered her unable to walk (she had used a cane prior, though would have been better with a walker). While in hospital and the recovery facility she was not allowed her medications for breast cancer, and within 5 weeks of her fall, cancer cells were found in some pleural fluid buildup. At that point it was hospice. These things just pile on top of each other, and at a late stage in life recovery is much harder.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#104

Post by sefrost »

Syzygies wrote: post #87
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

After watching our father die from advanced dementia, my brother established instructions that no one is to feed him. If he can't bring a spoon to his mouth unassisted, he would like to stop eating. He works at a hospital, so I believe that he understands how to do this in a legally binding way. This tempts me to leave similar instructions if I can't cook for myself.

Will he starve to death?

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#105

Post by dharmab »

reacharavindh wrote: post #60
czbond wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My dad suggested there are three events that turn an individual from "able to be home" to assisted care (which is very expensive). 1) Change in ability to walk, which triggers 2) Inability to take care of and feed themselves, which triggers a slew of medications to try to combat 3) Inability to go to bathroom by themselves Keep people moving. Build strength early - strength training is great (people begin losing stre…

Agree with you on everything, except frozen foods. I am in my mid 30s. I like to cook and try to eat healthy. I have read at many places on the internet that frozen vegetables in some occasions are healthier than the ones I can at the supermarket- because they are flash frozen, retaining most nutritional value vegetables stay out in shipping and shelves far too long losing nutritional value. Also that they tend to be…

It depends on how you prepare the food too- many type of vegetables have different nutrition content when eaten raw rather than cooked.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#106

Post by whalesalad »

The best thing you can do is realize these are unique individuals. They’re your parents, sure, but it’s not your responsibility. Live your life, let them live theirs. It’s ridiculous the way we as a society have normalized the idea that we need to care for our parents.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#107

Post by clpm4j »

thesuitonym wrote: post #47
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

Assisted suicide is becoming more accepted as an option for the elderly. I suspect that some day it will be as normal our current options for extending life. I for one would rather die on my own time, surrounded by family when my quality of life declines, rather than clinging on to a miserable existence.

I've had this discussion with friends many times, and I do hope it becomes legal and socially acceptable (I know it is legal in some places, but not widely). I find it ridiculous that we come into this world through no choice of our own, but we can't leave it when and how we want without resorting to some horrific or painful action. Medically assisted suicide should be a basic human right in my opinion.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#108

Post by dharmab »

datavirtue wrote: post #92
reacharavindh wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agree with you on everything, except frozen foods. I am in my mid 30s. I like to cook and try to eat healthy. I have read at many places on the internet that frozen vegetables in some occasions are healthier than the ones I can at the supermarket- because they are flash frozen, retaining most nutritional value vegetables stay out in shipping and shelves far too long losing nutritional value. Also that they tend to be…

I was eating frozen pizzas quite regularly in my twenties and thirties. At 32 I was diagnosed with pre-hypertension. The doctor was suggesting pills. I went home and evaluated my sodium intake. Those pizzas are insane with the sodium. I stopped eating them and haven't had one since. Shortly after, my blood pressure went back to normal/good levels. Ten years later I'm still healthy...and eating much better than I did…

Pizza can be a downward spiral- huge amount of carbs, salt and cheese in a single slice, and most people eat multiple slices.

https://xkcd.com/1616/

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#109

Post by lotsofpulp »

brutus1213 wrote: post #8

Similar boat with aging parents. It is really tough with few solutions. In a very HCOL area and parents own a condo. So stairs are less the issue but there a ton other challenges that emerge. Simplest solution would be to do a joint-family system with the parents. That is not feasible because single story houses are pretty rare in our area and spacious housing is stupidly expensive in general (Toronto); moving my fam…

>My spouse and I sometimes wonder why so many people who could choose to migrate to the west still stay in India, Pakistan, etc. It is a reminder that those societies do a few things better than the west.

After witnessing my mom waste her prime years caring for my dad's old parents, I pity other women (and anyone else in the same situation) who have no choice due to lack of economic opportunities and are essentially forced to live as maids.

I also suspect the people who could choose to migrate but choose to stay in India, Pakistan, etc are rich enough to hire cooks and maids and drivers. The people who have no option to migrate are the ones you should be wondering about.

I hope that my children do not spend their prime years chronically taking care of me, just like I would not want to do it for someone else. Note the use of the word "chronically", which for my mom, between both paternal grandfather and grandmother, lasted 33 years.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#110

Post by JSeymourATL »

If you haven’t done so already, make sure you have the essential paperwork in order— Especially helpful, durable power of attorney. Don’t procrastinate on this.

Eventually, (and without warning) you may be called upon to make key decisions for them.

> https://moneywise.com/managing-money/retirement-planning/ess...

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