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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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11–20 of 243 posts

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#11
Make sure they have a will and whatever end of life medical forms are appropriate for their jurisdiction. This will greatly simplify handling legal matters unless there’s a single child to do it all. Remember that (in the us anyway) powers of attorneys end in death so do everything that is necessary “in time”. Even mundane things like collecting the contents of safety deposit boxes. Finally, if you’re not somebody interested in accounting, make sure you have somebody lined up who can wrap up an estate.

As others have said, work to balance your desire for their safety with their desire for independence and resisting change. Where they live, driving, all of these things might be a struggle. Perhaps start with changes while they’re accepting, things like grocery delivery, transport help, etc. and empathy, don’t forget the empathy.

Finally, remember that work will always be there. Family and friends, however, will not.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#12

Can you make the home more accessible? i.e. put in a chair lift for the stairs

Had a co-worker who senior-proofed his elderly parents' house. Put in a chair lift, grab bars, etc. One thing that really helped were smart cameras: He and his sister were able to monitor their parents from anywhere. He put one camera in the kitchen so he could see the pill container, one upstairs, etc. Then set up alerts for when certain things appeared to move like the oven, front door, chair lift, etc. They knew the cameras where there, but got used to it and ignored them (that may be an issue here, I don't know).

Both siblings were close enough to react to the alerts if they needed to, but the cameras allowed them to see if they needed to go in person, or just call or just wait until the next time they visited.

Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#13
For my grandparents it came down a combination of persuasion (hard when cognitive condition declined) and just making decisions for them.

Finding housing that works better (an apartment on one level) is one approach - sell them on the benefits of independent living for longer.

But eventually it was finding a home with 24/7 nursing care they weren’t too opposed to.

It’s not easy and as the parent of a young child I realize how being the “parent” happens twice in life - one with your kids and once with your parents.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#14
I am in a similar situation, but we live separately. Now I don't have stories of nonagenarians lifting weights, but as long as they keep moving in the house and take a gander outside every once a while, they will retain their muscle mass and remain independent. If that means crawling up the stairs every day, so be it.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#15
Your dad crawling up the stairs is helping to fend off muscle atrophy. There's a risk of course. Falling down the stairs could lead to death after complications. But it's not as out-right bad as you might assume, and crawling reduces the fall risk a bit.

Falling is a risk even with normal walking. But if you don't have some movement in their life, they degrade faster and die sooner. There is risk from all choices

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#16
Do not rely on them to take care of each other. Get involved in managing their health care and finances.

One of my parents died a terrible, painful death; we found out too late he'd missed key treatment appointments and his GP had prescribed a drug that undermined his cancer treatment.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#17

You're saying his bedroom is on the first floor and he only goes upstairs for computer? If so, I'd go ahead and move his computer down for him. Older individuals eventually need to accept that their autonomy is going away. They're mentally declining, they're already physically declined. They're not in a fit state to decide basic things like: how to prevent falls. While it may be your father's right to stay in his hom…

Or just buy him a nice laptop (maybe a surface with a touch screen) so he can also use that. That way he doesn’t feel like he is being forced to change his setup.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#19
It is their life, they will die soon anyway. It may be better to have one good year, than five bad years.

Does your father gets dizzy or does he sometimes loose sense of stability?

Also limit damage from possible fall. Cover sharp corners. Ad rails on both sides.

If he falls, you should know about it. Some smart watch should be able to detect it. Or cameras with motion detection. Monitoring can be probably outsourced to India.

And some neighbour who lives nearby.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#20

You're saying his bedroom is on the first floor and he only goes upstairs for computer? If so, I'd go ahead and move his computer down for him. Older individuals eventually need to accept that their autonomy is going away. They're mentally declining, they're already physically declined. They're not in a fit state to decide basic things like: how to prevent falls. While it may be your father's right to stay in his hom…

I heartily disagree that older folks automatically lose autonomy. They lose physical ability. They lose some mental agility, but they are not all in dementia. And they have every right to decide for themselves when they can or cannot handle living independently. If they want the pain and trouble to make it work, we are the ones who have to accept them.

I'd say yes, absolutely, family members have the right to risk their own lives. Have you ever driven too fast on an interstate? Climbed a mountain? Gone skiing, bungie jumping, skydiving, or even swimming? Then you have risked your life. You are proposing a huge double standard if you argue that youth are allowed to have risk in their life while the elderly do not.

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