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An introverts guide to increasing energy

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Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#131

Post by vidarh »

DanHulton wrote: post #65
hliyan wrote: post #31

For over 25 years I wondered why social events drained me and what neurological phenomenon the metaphor "energy" stood for (which this article and many others like it don't seem to bother investigating). I've recently come to realize that it's the extent to which you see other human beings as a threat, which causes your brain to keep its "shields up", which can feel exhausting. After a observing myself a lot during s…

I recently had a similar epiphany, but for me, the judgement I found was internal. Essentially, when in social situations where I do not understand all of the expectations (my SO, long-standing friends, familiar work settings), I'm not able to be in the moment, and have what I have described as a "monitor process" running, analyzing the situation, my interactions, peoples reactions to them, etc. Running that "monitor…

That might well match me better than the person above, in that it fits well with the fact I don't have a problem with people I can keep at a distance and where I understand the expectations just fine (e.g. holding a speech happens within a very narrow set of parameters; I don't need to interact much with people) draining me, but even my son is exhausting (I still love spending time with him, but need time to "recover").

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#132

Post by vidarh »

leobg wrote: post #109
hliyan wrote: post #31

For over 25 years I wondered why social events drained me and what neurological phenomenon the metaphor "energy" stood for (which this article and many others like it don't seem to bother investigating). I've recently come to realize that it's the extent to which you see other human beings as a threat, which causes your brain to keep its "shields up", which can feel exhausting. After a observing myself a lot during s…

There is this phenomenon called “the mere exposure effect“: Merely exposing yourself to a situation again and again will lessen your anxiety and put the kinds of automations in place, in terms of perception and behavior, that will make you feel “comfortable“ (i.e. allow you to handle the baseline situation on autopilot, so your energy is free for higher level functions, such as strategy or simply enjoyment). This mea…

This deals with two different things, I feel.

I tried this - I forced myself into social situations daily for years, and kept a log to make sure I could guarantee that I actually did. It did make me far more comfortable, but it did not at all affect my energy levels.

I think comfort is probably necessary to maintain your energy, but not sufficient.

In the end I stopped because it made me miserable and tired. I don't regret having spent some time doing it, and I learned a lot, but it certainly did not change my introverted nature.

I'm sure to some people it's about comfort levels, and so I'm not suggesting it can't work, and it's probably worth trying for people who feel socially awkward. But for me the main thing it taught me was that I don't want to be a social person.

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#133

Post by vidarh »

naasking wrote: post #121
leobg wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is this phenomenon called “the mere exposure effect“: Merely exposing yourself to a situation again and again will lessen your anxiety and put the kinds of automations in place, in terms of perception and behavior, that will make you feel “comfortable“ (i.e. allow you to handle the baseline situation on autopilot, so your energy is free for higher level functions, such as strategy or simply enjoyment). This mea…

I think the exposure effect only works well if your exposure was neutral or positive, or how you weight negative vs. neutral or positive experiences. For people who ingrain negative experiences more strongly than the others, one bad experience could outweigh 10 neutral or positive ones. So if introversion is some strong social anxiety, and you have one bad social experience at a bar, it could just reinforce that anxi…

To this, I actually kept a log for a while, on the basis that some people do tend to remember negative experiences more than positive. And indeed, it was interesting to see how I remembered events after a few weeks vs. what I had written down on the day, and it was useful to try to be more aware of this. As a learning experience everyone ought to try this for a short period.

But I don't think introversion and social anxiety is the same thing, though I absolutely buy that they probably often co-occur. To the extent I have any social anxieties, they are very specific and limited, and don't really affect me much, but the energy drain of interacting with people does.

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#134

Post by vidarh »

fffact wrote: post #79
brhsagain wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to feel this way until I heard an explanation that made it click ever since. Small talk is a channel with a single bit of information, which is "I am not your enemy." This is different from "I am your friend." It's the same reason monkeys pull bugs out of each other's fur. All people want from you when making small talk is for you to talk about the inane things in your life with a positive energy. The inane ch…

So you are suggesting I should be making small talk to reassure people?

The interesting thing, and I tested this extensively years ago in an attempt to be more social, is that it takes very little. Most people don't care about you talking, as much as being given the right signals. And most people love to be the ones talking.

Here's an "exercise": Next time you're in a shop, get your wallet ready before you get to the cashier. At the cashiers most people look down at their wallet or at their shopping, and so giving cashiers eye contact is like a super-power. Look them in the eye and say "how are you?" as you pay. And rather than hurry, pause at that point for a second.

It's absolutely remarkable how much of a difference it made, to the point where I dialled it back because it led to too much extra social contact for me. E.g. I also started greeting the bus drivers at my local bus route, and within a week one of them recognised me at the gym and started talking to me regularly. I'd lived there and taken the same bus for a decade prior to that and never gotten recognised. At the shop near where I worked, cashiers who had never said a word to me in the previous years, suddenly started telling me their life stories, and I'd observe them rush to open new lanes when I approached and there was a queue, sometimes even specifically telling me. And I made no effort to actually hold a conversation beyond that "how are you?" or occasionally "how was your weekend?" once I'd talked to them a couple of times.

The point being that you can learn a handful of little "magic" incantations that basically hand all the job of the chatting over to the other person, and leave you basically doing simple "followups" like asking "really?" or agreeing.

The irony is that doing that, you can let people learn absolutely nothing about you, and they'll still go away with a positive impression of you because you gave them an opportunity to talk about the things they care about.

If you're interested in that approach, Leil Lowndes has books that are quite useful in offering advice that are relatively pragmatic in this way of how to "be social" without necessarily being a chatterbox. I think "Goodbye to shy" is one of them.

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#135

Post by GDC7 »

lobocinza wrote: post #119
GDC7 wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The intensity of this feeling is related to your personal feeling of your self worth Calling none sense. IT'S NOT IN YOUR HEAD! There are objective levels to it. Say I work in film making and specialize on actors wardrobes , I can make a good living, perhaps even reach a 7 figures net worth. Fast forward award seasons comes around, during the afterparties everybody wants to talk and interact with the stars. Even if…

I think people just not think about people that don't matter to them.

Well it's not that much better.

Being irrelevant and being hated/laughed at are the same thing essentially.

Meaning they are both something else compared to the desired outcome: being loved and respected.

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#136

Post by stnmtn »

jbverschoor wrote: post #94
jbverschoor wrote: post #14

I am introverted but identify as extraverted.

Not sure why I get downvoted. Maybe it's full of rainbow snowflakes.

I think the joke is just old, if the joke you were going for is the "I identify as an apache helicopter" type jokes.

It's just old and not interesting now, it's been 5+ years of those jokes and they don't have a bite anymore.

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#137

Post by wpietri »

vinay427 wrote: post #125
wpietri wrote: post #67

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not the poster, but it's very familiar to me. I grew up in the midwest, and a friend from there says, "In the midwest we don't have bodies or feelings." As a kid, I clearly remember having an epiphany: when people asked my how I was doing, they did not actually want to know how I was doing. There were a number of appropriate answers, "fine" first among them. If you watch the first 20 seconds of "How to Speak Minnesot…

> After 20 years in California, I have unlearned a lot of this. Hmm, I’m curious which part. If anything, I seem to notice even more of this tendency in much of Southern California compared to the upper Midwest where I also grew up. The opposite is probably the case in the SF area, however, and possibly the Bay Area in general.

Fair point. I'm in SF. Here there's a lot of focus on personal experience as primary.

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#138

Post by tartoran »

1123581321 wrote: post #126
tartoran wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My hearing isn’t too bad, I tested it and I can hear okay. My problem is decoding speech in noisy environments, it is somewhat delayed and iffy at times. I am more inclined to think theres an audio processing issue. Haven’t tested for CAPD - central audio processing syndrome and am not sure it would help me any if I have it. Im at the stage of accepting my weaknesses, I used to be hard on myself before.

If you have CAPD, you can get a small ear filter which will actually help. (I have it and was diagnosed.)

What is that? Can you provide more info? Very curious...

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#139

Post by Vedor »

tartoran wrote: post #118
Vedor wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just curious, have you checked your hearing recently? For a long time I believed that I can't hear anything in large groups because I'm introvert (which I am) and large groups exhaust me. Turned out to be hearing problem. And the thing is that I never had a feeling that my hearing is poor. But some day I got tinnitus that did not go away over time, and after some tests I learnt that I'm almost deaf for high-frequency…

My hearing isn’t too bad, I tested it and I can hear okay. My problem is decoding speech in noisy environments, it is somewhat delayed and iffy at times. I am more inclined to think theres an audio processing issue. Haven’t tested for CAPD - central audio processing syndrome and am not sure it would help me any if I have it. Im at the stage of accepting my weaknesses, I used to be hard on myself before.

Never heard of it, but I have almost all of its symptoms. Interesting. Thank you for mentioning CAPD.

Re: An introverts guide to increasing energy

#140

Post by 1123581321 »

tartoran wrote: post #138
1123581321 wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you have CAPD, you can get a small ear filter which will actually help. (I have it and was diagnosed.)

What is that? Can you provide more info? Very curious...

The filter fits into my left ear based on a mold. It’s flesh-colored and visible when my head is viewed directly from the side. Otherwise, it can’t really be seen. It has holes in it but I don’t know its internal design. It was made almost 20 years ago, so I’m sure the state of the art has changed.

The filter limits unhelpful input into my left ear, which for me is conflicting input in voice range and high-pitched loud noises.

I was instructed to wear it for classes and meetings and to sit to the left of the main speaker when possible.

I haven’t worn it in years, but I credit it with a higher GPA and a few friendships that might have struggled to form if I hadn’t been able to hear well enough to converse.

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