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Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

newstatesman.com

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Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#81

Post by anon9001 »

alecst wrote: post #29
ReactiveJelly wrote: post #19

I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…

My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, t…

This is the first time I've heard of WWOOFing. Neat. I don't care much about organic farming, but it seems like an interesting apprenticeship/activism model.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#82

Post by [deleted] »

forgotmypw17 wrote: post #77
Iefthandrule wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If all of your exes are still significant parts of your life, how do you determine who will look after the kids when you are busy with work or aren't feeling well? Are they all willing to engage in major parental roles, and to take those roles seriously?

Well, I can't say for sure, because I am not at that point, but I consider it a possibility and huge benefit. In fact, a two-parent family seems barely sustainable to me, precisely because of what you said: If one person so much as gets the flu, suddenly there's one adult taking care of both the kids and the recovering adult. With more than two on duty, it can significantly soften the impact. And, again, I technicall…

[deleted]

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#83

Post by harinoka »

forgotmypw17 wrote: post #74
spurgu wrote: post #67

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> After discovering that I'm "poly" Interesting. How did you come to discover this?

Ever since an early age (I mean pre-puberty) the idea of choosing "one and only, forever and ever" made little sense. I remember reading a story about a very limited open relationship when I was about 12, and thinking, gosh, why don't they open it up MORE instead of running away at first sign of difficulty? (The plot was that this couple had "base rules" that they could have sex with anyone they wanted, but ONLY ONCE…

Sounds like an excuse to avoid making hard decisions.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#84

Post by harinoka »

lucretian wrote: post #80
GauntletWizard wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm saying that the hyper-sexualization is a religion, or at least part of one. It is part of a series of memes that redefine all human relationships in terms of "Power", some nebulous concept that does not really map to the way humans interact except in a very weird misunderstanding of second-order effects. Call it Queer, call it Progressive, call it Woke or whatever - It's religion.

this is even worse than what you originally wrote.

How is it worse? Or even bad?

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#85

Post by harinoka »

lucretian wrote: post #48
GauntletWizard wrote: post #4

I don't think we do. As the article notes, these are not new concepts - the Greeks had four words for different types of loves, as recently as 50 years ago they were still known and understood in pop culture [1] It is a recent invention that has us all confused. The rush to validate the gay rights movement has pushed people far beyond their comfort zone, and the culture war has put pressure on people to assert their…

> The rush to validate the gay rights movement has pushed people far beyond their comfort zone, and the culture war has put pressure on people to assert their allegiance to the camps by overstating or denying their deep connections. "I love you bro" was actually a pretty common sentiment, and now many very progressive people feel the need to qualify it - "I love you, bro, but not like in a sexual way, not that there'…

> i think your comment may reveal more about your own state of mind than it does anything broader about society. i encourage you to reflect on that.

Seems like you are the one trying to troll here. Probably it depends on where you live but my experience align with those of GP.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#86

Post by B-Con »

iammisc wrote: post #59
scns wrote: post #23

Since several years my definition of friendship is: Love without sex.

I think it's extremely telling that our culture equates love with sex so much, that you differentiate friendship (the most common form of relationship) with 'love without sex' rather than marriage (or whatever) as 'love with sex'. IMO. the equating of love with sex is why so many find it difficult to make friends.

I also find the love=sex equivalence very strange. IMO it stunts the development of close friendships who feel as if they can't form emotional bonds without also forming physical ones.

Then it also acts as a false forcing function to consider oneself bi-sexual because they love and enjoy a wide variety of people, despite not actually desiring to pursue a sexual relationship with all of them. It's bizarre how often I've heard "I'm kinda bi, but like only want to date gender Foo". Like, WTF is our notion of love anymore, and how badly are we messing up the next generation.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#87

Post by alecst »

anon9001 wrote: post #81
alecst wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, t…

This is the first time I've heard of WWOOFing. Neat. I don't care much about organic farming, but it seems like an interesting apprenticeship/activism model.

To be honest I'm not that into farming either, I just like being outside, doing meaningful projects, making friends, having lots of free time, traveling. The farming part is just incidental.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#88

Post by Talanes »

standardUser wrote: post #49
GauntletWizard wrote: post #4

I don't think we do. As the article notes, these are not new concepts - the Greeks had four words for different types of loves, as recently as 50 years ago they were still known and understood in pop culture [1] It is a recent invention that has us all confused. The rush to validate the gay rights movement has pushed people far beyond their comfort zone, and the culture war has put pressure on people to assert their…

"...and now many very progressive people feel the need to qualify it - "I love you, bro, but not like in a sexual way, not that there's anything wrong with that"" I cannot relate to that even a little and it is wildly incompatible with my lived experiences. Maybe back in the 90's there was some of that going on. But I know plenty of men I could call right now and tell them I love them without either of us grasping fo…

If anything, the modern progressive crowd that GP is referencing are far more likely to find the reflexive qualifiers themselves problematic.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#89

Post by Talanes »

GauntletWizard wrote: post #79
slv77 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Niobe Way comes to similar conclusions in Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection but I’m not sure I’d pin it on a shift in religion but the hyper-sexualization of society that started in the 60’s where every intimate relationship was primarily defined in the context of sex. Today much of the language and expressions of intimate relationships has been entirely co-opted and has sexual overtones co…

I'm saying that the hyper-sexualization is a religion, or at least part of one. It is part of a series of memes that redefine all human relationships in terms of "Power", some nebulous concept that does not really map to the way humans interact except in a very weird misunderstanding of second-order effects. Call it Queer, call it Progressive, call it Woke or whatever - It's religion.

This is a very surreal argument to see made, because my father's big theory on the modern left is that they've all gone a little bit chaste.

Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms

#90

Post by forgotmypw17 »

harinoka wrote: post #83
forgotmypw17 wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ever since an early age (I mean pre-puberty) the idea of choosing "one and only, forever and ever" made little sense. I remember reading a story about a very limited open relationship when I was about 12, and thinking, gosh, why don't they open it up MORE instead of running away at first sign of difficulty? (The plot was that this couple had "base rules" that they could have sex with anyone they wanted, but ONLY ONCE…

Sounds like an excuse to avoid making hard decisions.

I'm honored that you registered in order to reply to my comment.

You're right, I avoid hard decisions, because usually they are the result of constrained thinking, and better alternatives are available if you open up your perspective.

For example, when focused on trying to make a "hard decision" to choose Awesome Partner A vs. Awesome Partner B, it is easy to overlook the EASY decision to choose both.

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