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Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
51–60 of 90 posts
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#52[flagged]
A poor nice guy will have real friends. A rich nice guy will have real friends. A poor asshole will have no friends. A rich asshole will have fake friends that hide their hatred and contempt behind fake smiles. So is the solution to stop being an asshole? Yes. But this is not an easy thing, because with fake friends you are not getting any feedback. You don't notice when you step people on the toes. Maybe pretend to…
You don't have to be an asshole to accumulate fake "interested" friends. You don't even have to be rich - these people are just looking for ways to abuse one's sincerity, it doesn't have to be for money - they could get free work out of you, or they could unload their problems on you. I reckon the problem is a bit more prominent for the rich simply because society currently values money above anything else, so a rich target will take precedence over a poor target.
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#53I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…
My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, t…
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Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#54I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…
I find assuming you're friends helps.
I meet somebody and we have a good chat, oh i need my friends number. Not a strangers.
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#55I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…
My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, t…
> But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives.
Being able to offer something is a necessity. Whether it be making someone feel good, or having useful skills or knowledge, or humor, or even connections. But no one wants to be around someone that complains all the time, or is a Debbie downer, or otherwise does not make you feel good. At least not in the “making friends” phase.
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#56Earlier quoted context omitted.
You don't have to live like this. I recommend you find some new friends not connected with your work - join a choir or maybe an improv group
I think even this won't work. Friendship just doesn't work in this system. Everyone is just looking for an opportunity to take whatever you have; even if they have more than you overall, people are greedy; they will find the one thing you have better and subconsciously try to take it or ruin if for you. If you have something that someone else wants, they will take it as soon as you turn your back. If they can't take…
This and your previous comment are obviously false, and yet, if this is truly how you view the world, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In my experience, the only people that actually operate the way you describe are narcissists and sociopaths, which are not the 'average person' by any stretch (6% ish of the population?).
I've been friends with the same people since fourth grade, no major shakeups, no one 'stole' anything in the 20+ years, we barely ever talk about work or 'opportunity'.
Quite the opposite, whenever one of us was struggling, the others were always there to help out. We share joy when one of us does well. It's mutually beneficial, and I can't imagine going through life second-guessing every person's motivations, it sounds exhausting.
When I do actually encounter a calculating monster like you describe (mostly at work in other departments), I just appease quickly in the encounter and then avoid them like the plague. It's quite effective.
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#57I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…
Imo, close friendships often begin by witnessing mutual discomfort in the presence of a common hardship. It is so much easier to be vulnerable around someone who has already seen you at your lowest or most embarrassing and that you know doesn't respond with ridicule. It is no coincidence that 3 of my closest friendships were formed during my most embarrassing freshman year of university. We certainly laughed with eac…
This is such a great post, and puts a finer point to thoughts I've only brushed upon.
>witnessing mutual discomfort in the presence of a common hardship.
This reminds me of Sebastian Junger's book Tribe where he talks about how authentic camaraderie is formed in the presence of hardship. I think there's a reason why bonds formed during military service or true existential threat are held in such high esteem.
Maybe it would help the OP to deliberately put themselves outside of their comfort zone in arenas where failure is a distinct possibility but you must work with other people to avoid it.
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#58I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidental…
My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, t…
>Don't be afraid to talk to people
This is so true, I like to think I've always been good at making solid, lasting friendships in my life, I have quite a few. One thing that helped me that I used to do, and I didn't realize that this was possibly awkward for the recipient, was to just call them and start talking about something. I realize in hindsight that it was probably weird for them to get a random phone call from me and to have the point of the conversation to just talk about random stuff that I found interesting, but I'm also convinced that it is a big reason that I'm still such good friends with several people.
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#59Since several years my definition of friendship is: Love without sex.
I think it's extremely telling that our culture equates love with sex so much, that you differentiate friendship (the most common form of relationship) with 'love without sex' rather than marriage (or whatever) as 'love with sex'.
IMO. the equating of love with sex is why so many find it difficult to make friends.
Re: Romantic friendship: deep and lasting connection comes in many forms
#60Earlier quoted context omitted.
You don't have to live like this. I recommend you find some new friends not connected with your work - join a choir or maybe an improv group
I think even this won't work. Friendship just doesn't work in this system. Everyone is just looking for an opportunity to take whatever you have; even if they have more than you overall, people are greedy; they will find the one thing you have better and subconsciously try to take it or ruin if for you. If you have something that someone else wants, they will take it as soon as you turn your back. If they can't take…
> I think even this won't work
Blah blah
You think you understand the world, but you don't. You can live like this if you want, but like I said - you don't have to live like this