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The art of not taking things personally

medium.dave-bailey.com

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Re: The art of not taking things personally

#71

Post by annamargot »

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

Self-awareness is how I look at it. And it is finally taking hold with age :)

I can better manage my emotions by simply being able to recognize them almost from an outsider’s perspective. My inner monologue switches to 3rd person

“Yeah you’re feeling super irritable right now, you better go chill out somewhere before you say something you don’t mean and then create a whole big thing for no reason”

Younger me would have started some shit and created unnecessary problems

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#72

Post by gexla »

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

Right, I work to keep my identity small and to be adaptable. Making things "always about you" is seeing the world through that identity tainted lens and positioning the world as if you are the center. I instead try to be observational and LARP into any situation as if I'm in an improv show.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#73

Post by ljm »

I scanned the page for 'empathy' and there was not a single mention of it.

'Emotional generosity', the thing at the start of the article, doesn't count. I don't know where that language came from but it doesn't sound empathetic, it sounds transactional.

I don't really care for what else the author has to say, having understood that

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#74

Post by dumpsterdiver »

andrewmcwatters wrote: post #61
throwaway98797 wrote: post #4

Fragility comes from insecurity. Insecurity is both objective and subjective. On different days you may feel more or less secure. To not care too much about yourself is the first step. The world is what it is and our desires are just that. Desires. Easy to forget that the world owes or cares. It does not. Luckily it does not care about anyone else. We only have this life to live. “We have two lives, and the second be…

What do you mean by "fragility?"

Colloquial usage around here means something close to, "An inability to gracefully accept an external perception of ourselves, because that perception is at odds with our own understanding of ourselves."

This "fragility" must always be accompanied by an accusation - otherwise fragility would not manifest. Without an accusation to deny, no one can be fragile in this sense. The opposite of fragility is callousness - i.e. "Damn right, that's what I said. I meant it. I don't care who it hurt, as long as they get out of the way."

The word "fragility", in its current social context, would appear to be a word intended to belittle. It says, "You think you're a big person, but you are a small person. Because you have denied my truth, you are fragile. Because you have proclaimed your innocence, you are fragile."

To me, there is a glaring fallacy in calling people "fragile" this way - and that is the part when the people who engage in this behavior decide to forgo intelligent discourse and presume that they are correct without hearing the other side of the story. Sometimes people are different than each other, and you can't always win arguments just by calling them "fragile" when they disagree with you, because what we're really talking about sometimes when we say the word "fragile" in this context, is "an impassioned personal defense against accusations thrown at people who look like me, but who do not represent my values." It's not okay to do this. The only thing we do when we call people "fragile" in this way, is we internally invalidate their position, and then we burn the only bridge we ever had with them.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#75

Post by justinpombrio »

foobiekr wrote: post #22
zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

> Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me.

In my view, this is perfectly natural. Your emotions are tied to your expectations. As you grow older, you have seen more things, and better know what to expect. The first time you drop your ice cream cone on the ground as a child, you learn that a delicious treat can be destroyed so easily! When you drop your ice cream cone on the ground as an adult, it's like yeah, well, that happens sometimes, and hey, I've had ice cream a hundred times and I'll have it another hundred times.

In other words, since the second time something happens to you is less noteworthy than the first time, fewer noteworthy things will happen to you per year as you get older. Less noteworthy events means less excitement and a faster apparent passage of time.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#76

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

Whatever has the nature to arise will also pass away.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#77

Post by throwaway98797 »

andrewmcwatters wrote: post #61
throwaway98797 wrote: post #4

Fragility comes from insecurity. Insecurity is both objective and subjective. On different days you may feel more or less secure. To not care too much about yourself is the first step. The world is what it is and our desires are just that. Desires. Easy to forget that the world owes or cares. It does not. Luckily it does not care about anyone else. We only have this life to live. “We have two lives, and the second be…

What do you mean by "fragility?"

I meant it as a type of sensitivity. Like, someone reacting harshly to a slight or an insult.

A lack of confidence is what I’m trying to communicate in the first sentence. They need other’s judgement to validate themselves.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#78

Post by throwaway98797 »

dumpsterdiver wrote: post #74
andrewmcwatters wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What do you mean by "fragility?"

Colloquial usage around here means something close to, "An inability to gracefully accept an external perception of ourselves, because that perception is at odds with our own understanding of ourselves." This "fragility" must always be accompanied by an accusation - otherwise fragility would not manifest. Without an accusation to deny, no one can be fragile in this sense. The opposite of fragility is callousness - i.…

I view fragile and sensitive in the same light. Though, I do mean it with a negative connotation.

That being said, im not sure i follow the fallacy part. I’m guessing you mean that people who use fragility are doing it shut down discussion. I tend to use it to highlight that there’s a set of people with whom I won’t speak freely for fear of hurting them because their are sensitive. I don’t do this out of nobleness to not harm, i do it to avoid negative emotions from them. In a way I am fragile as well.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#79

Post by dumpsterdiver »

throwaway98797 wrote: post #78
dumpsterdiver wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Colloquial usage around here means something close to, "An inability to gracefully accept an external perception of ourselves, because that perception is at odds with our own understanding of ourselves." This "fragility" must always be accompanied by an accusation - otherwise fragility would not manifest. Without an accusation to deny, no one can be fragile in this sense. The opposite of fragility is callousness - i.…

I view fragile and sensitive in the same light. Though, I do mean it with a negative connotation. That being said, im not sure i follow the fallacy part. I’m guessing you mean that people who use fragility are doing it shut down discussion. I tend to use it to highlight that there’s a set of people with whom I won’t speak freely for fear of hurting them because their are sensitive. I don’t do this out of nobleness to…

> That being said, im not sure i follow the fallacy part. I’m guessing you mean that people who use fragility are doing it shut down discussion. I tend to use it to highlight that there’s a set of people with whom I won’t speak freely for fear of hurting them because their are sensitive. I don’t do this out of nobleness to not harm, i do it to avoid negative emotions from them.

> In a way I am fragile as well.

Yes, you've nailed it. By "fallacy" I mean "an unsound argument", because if I were to think that the person I'm arguing with is "fragile" - that would mean that I have already accepted my position as the correct position, and that the people I'm educating simply aren't able to accept my truth because it would damage their ego.

Arguing with people without ever hearing their side is a great way to become obtuse.

When, during that line of thinking, would I ever ask, "Could I possibly be the one who is wrong? Is there more to this story than just my side?"

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#80

Post by bergerjac »

mensetmanusman wrote: post #14

I don’t know if this is a mental hack or not, but I found years ago that if I mentally sing the comments (that I know would upset me otherwise), it totally removes the emotional impact of other people’s negative writing. When I was contemplating why this might be so effective, I was reminded that satire of old often involved singing to point out other peoples absurdity. When you think about how much the powerful fear…

When people try to insult me, sometimes instead of 'taking the insult & emotion in' ("personally")… I purposely hallucinate their words as text like closed captions.
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