Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

I had a friend who hatred coding again, but got a job doing we dev for a vegan charity and that was it, he was back in the room since animal welfare was a major passion of his.

Find what it is you love (or at least like) and a job that will give you at least a small portion of that.

Second, the first and best piece of advice I can give is: find and talk to a therapist (assuming you haven't already). It was probably the best decision I made when I was in a similar place to the one you've described, and the perspective shift I internalized as a result of those sessions has continued to benefit me in the subsequent years, in good times and bad.

Third, I wholeheartedly echo what many other commenters have said RE: Tinder and social media more generally - they're not going to help you get through this and in fact are probably making things worse, as you've already observed. These sites won't do anything more than reflect back to you what you're already feeling, for good or ill.

Beyond that, into some "squishier" observations and suggestions -

- The problems you describe are ones that I've only come to appreciate the significance of as I've aged; they would have sounded superfluous or insignificant to me as a teenager, maybe, but I know better now. You're right to take your feelings seriously!

- Rather a shot in the dark here, but: is there something you've wanted out of your own life, or some part of who you feel you might be, that you've ignored or suppressed or compartmentalized away because you think it's "not who you are" or something like that?

- You are absolutely right to feel that you are not alone in dealing with these issues!

- There is no "normal," and there's nothing and nobody that you are "supposed to be." This is not to say that our culture and society has not presented you with images of a particular set of ideals for literally your entire life, to the point where just figuring out what to start questioning is a years-long project - but it's true all the same.

- This, too, shall pass.

The first thing I want to suggest is say to yourself "This is OK, this is part of my life, I will be fine eventually". Do not fear the time it takes for the confusion to go away, because it might take some time.

I used to be a crazy dreamer and performer, top of the curve, from a random corner of the world (Kolkata, India). I pushed hard for many years, got the best of project offers, got my family from US$ 300/month income to US$ 9K/month in like 3 years of my early efforts. I thought I would create a Billion $ company before 30. And then, I crashed. I became numb for many years. Lost my relationships and even lost my emotions. I moved to Germany, went through counseling, my friends pushed me into it. I am grateful for that.

The last many years I have been soul searching. Who am I? What do I need, aspire to be? I realized a lot of what I wanted was what magazines told me. Not the fashion magazines; the startup ones. But it is the same feeling when you run out of internal steam chasing that cover picture.

I started to travel, I backpacked Europe a bit when I was in Germany. Came back to India, restarted and failed again. Both in startup and in relationship. But my counseling and mental awareness started helping me this time. I did not fall too deep, too dark. I started focusing on routines, small things like make food, walk a lot, spend time outside the startup buzz. I backpacked around SE Asia, motorbiked 6K kilometers, stayed in a hostel for 5 months in Laos (2020 in lock-down). Cheap life, fun life. I smiled more than I have in a long time.

I still shed tears when I look back, but I do not have regrets now. I have made peace. I used to pretend to be someone I was not. I am not profit minded, so I crashed since what I seek most dearly is a sense of purpose. I live in a village now and I am again seeking co-founders (globally). I am preparing myself to get back to what I do best - but with precautions. With my routine and a lifestyle that helps me breathe, not get anxiety attacks.

Many years have gone by, but this is what, IMHO, is my meaningful existence. Learn, grow, find balance, slowly. The most important thing for me now is my happiness. I stopped chasing others' dreams and started living life by my standards - farms, friendships, family, travel, food, 40 hours of work/week and purpose. We will live with depressive tendencies, but if we know what makes us happy, then there is better mitigation. Nothing else is more important than happy life.

Programming and mathematics will stay your anchors. Make a few more, good friendships. Real ones, and you will know which is which when you try to meet more people. Programming is a big anchor for me, my place of peace. After 20 years of programming, I still learn regularly. There is nothing, there is no one that can take than away from me. The thought builds resilience. But I also have dear friends, spread across borders though. I have this and many communities too. The day Pieter Levels replied to me here, I cried. Do not hold back, you will achieve things but nothing is more important that a happy life right now. Focus on that, find it in people who care about you and you care about them. You will know, just spend some time. And, Tinder will not help, sorry pal.

Courage to be Disliked - it's helped me put different life problems in perspective.

Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, a Man Who Would Cure the World - This has been on my bookshelf for a long time, I just picked it up recently, looking for meaning after witnessing covid devastation around. Just a couple chapters in, but it is a really inspiring book.