Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

Just because you're not having the outcomes that you want does not mean you're a failure.

Depression and feelings of inadequacy and failure are a vicious circle, because ... depression makes it hard to succeed.

Depression also makes it hard to connect with people, and hard to stay connected.

Depression also makes it hard to take care of yourself.

Try to find a primary care physician, or a therapist, or a similar professional. If you don't like who you find, for whatever reason, find a different one.

Treat them like a project manager. Be sure to be actively involved in choosing your management tactics.

I've tried suicide twice. Once when I was five. Once when I was about your age. I'm 63 now, and I'm glad that I didn't succeed.

Only within the last ten years did I ask for professional help. It saved my life. Most of my life prior was like dental work without novacaine.

Two of the things that have helped me (YMMV) are a prescription, and a career change.

I think the best way to sum up the very negative aspects of gaming is their fake progress. To use the 4 quadrant model, gaming usually belongs in the not-important quadrant with mostly not-urgent. But most game environments create their own 4 quadrant sub world. The issue then appears because those urgent and important and the various combinations thereof then mess with the real reward systems. The game world is temporarily real enough due to immersion so it becomes real. Your real reward systems light up and take action: More! Do this! So you do.

So the game gives your brain all sorts of these varied set ups where the quadrants apply and you have to prioritise. You make successful decisions and your reward systems kick in. The game says, "here is a problem that exists". You solve it and your brain, unable to really tell the difference says "ok we need to do more of that". So it allocates resources to improve. And you do.

But its all fake. Fake progress. Fake accomplishments. Because its all fake, the reward centers get messed up. You know its fake. But your brain isn't great at really knowing fully that its fake. Regardless, you're now spending resources solving the game instead of the real world. The rewards become twisted as weak form punishments. Every time you realise that in the real world you arent progressing as much as you could you are effectively punished again.

None of this says you cannot play games or that they are not helpful. But like all escapes, its important to not close the door back to reality. Otherwise they become prisons.

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline might help.

No matter how permanent they feel, feelings are temporary. The short-circuit can and will get fixed.

May you be well.

I am much, much older than you, and how I wish I was your age and had pretty much my whole life ahead of me.

You could still accomplish so much, if that's what you want to do.

Just think of it. Could you save one life? I bet you could. Maybe you could save many lives, if you set your mind to it... but even saving one life is a lot more than many people do.

Often it is service to others that is most fulfilling. Consider volunteering at some place that's doing work you value. Apart from helping others in ways you care about, you can connect with others who share your deepest values, which are the best types of connections to make.. much better than the kind of connections you're likely to make on Tinder.

You could also pursue many other paths. You are pretty much all potential at this point.

Regarding loneliness, I've found that one of the best cures for that is learning to enjoy your own company and be your own best friend... that takes learning to like, even love yourself (not in a way that sets you above or ahead of anyone else, but in the sense that you have compassion for yourself and take care of yourself instead of being self-destructive and full of self-loathing). Be curious about the world, develop new interests, learn, do. Once you like yourself and enjoy your own company, you'll find others are more likely to enjoy your company too.

But you do have to reach out to others too.. not just cocoon yourself up at home or swipe on dating sites. Try going in person to meetups of people who share your (hopefully many) interests. Then, try to really connect with some of these people on a more than superficial level (this can take time and effort, but that's the only way it's going to happen.. there are no shortcuts). Try to find people who inspire and motivate you, and avoid those that bring you down and sabotage you. And, of course, don't self-sabotage.. that's the biggest trap. Many people are their own worst enemies. Try to find the wise course of action and actually follow through.

I could go on, but this post is way too long already. Hope some of it helped...

A good solution to your problem might be to develop a different understanding of the meaning and purpose of life. "Normal" American culture is selling you a false bill of goods IMO.

You could start by reading the Bible. Start with the Gospel of John and Romans. The ESV is a great translation and they have a study bible that is helpful.

Listen/read good preachers/teachers who can help you understand what life is really about: John Piper, Tim Keller, and R.C. Sproul are all great places to start. Each of them have podcasts available.

John Piper has a book called "Don't Waste Your Life" that is available free online and would likely be applicable to your situation. Tim Keller has a book on marriage that might help put your relationship troubles in perspective.

Finally, find a good church and start building relationships with people. Get advice from those who are wise and godly. Any church affiliated with 9 Marks ministries or following their advice on church priorities is likely a good place to start.

This won't be a popular suggestion, and Christ doesn't promise his followers an easy or happy life (just the opposite). But he does offer a meaningful life, wisdom to understand what is wrong with us and the world around us, salvation from sin and judgement (which are the biggest threat to us), and hope for better times yet to come.

One of the things the Bible teaches is that, in significant ways, we are all complete failures at life. But Christ lived and died to offer us redemption from that failure. To give our lives value, regardless of how little "success" we have. No...to redefine "success" and give us something actually worth living for.