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Rejection Sensitivity

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Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#41

Post by [deleted] »

Scandiravian wrote: post #10
ilovefood wrote: post #3

Frankly as much as I read it (twice now) I find nothing good or bad to say, I don't seem to get the point and maybe someone can enlighten me? Is this a piece about how people became fragile at the face of delayed gratification or when something doesn't go their usual way (it seems a twitter unfollow initiated this whole thing)? So many questions. I understand that for some, that represents a drama which surely begs t…

From how I understand the post, it's about the disconnect between human nature and modern relations (personal, romantic, professional, etc) As humans we have a limit to how much rejection we can process in a healthy way. It varies from person to person, some can process things pretty quickly while others (like myself) quickly reach a breaking point This becomes an issue, when (as the author points out), we try to rat…

[deleted]

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#42

Post by jcims »

virgil_disgr4ce wrote: post #31
hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

> I think that's why incels attract such hate. I'm pretty sure it's because they are largely unbe-LIEV-ably misogynistic and hateful towards women.

Their lived experience, whether perceived or by proxy, is that women hated them first. The 'incel culture' is really just the same echo chamber amplification that the Internet enables with any marginalized group. Some are going to get out and lead a normal life, some are going to lean into it and get more and more detached from reality.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#43

Post by op03 »

least wrote: post #19

We have more opportunities to interact with more people from all walks of life from all over the world in a way that is unprecedented. Marginalized groups have found ways to connect to people like them (which would have been impossible in the past). They've found validation about their identity and made real friends. There's so many positive aspects about the society and world we live in today. But because there's so…

If 2 ppl are running on a track, given different needs, abilities, personalities, life experience etc to get into sync usually one has to slow down and the other has to speed up.

But staying in that state for ever can be quite an unnatural thing, because both aren't running at their natural pace.

So communication is key. People need to hear that you appreciate when they slow down for you. They need to hear what made you want to speed up for them. They need to hear you arent holding them responsible to stay in sync with you forever but that you enjoy their company and the reasons why. They need to hear where you are heading and why you think its going to be fun. It becomes easier to reconnect with people when you spend time thinking about and verbalizing some of these things.

Its all about just being honest and saying simple things. You can do it.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#44

Post by twic »

> N. wasn’t a particularly close friend, and we didn’t have a falling out per se. The friendship just fizzled, until eventually he decided to unfollow me on Twitter, to put a final nail in a slow process of undoing.

> A flaccid “what happened?” text went unresponded to, and just like that, the relationship was over.

> Rationally, I know there was no reason for him to respond to a text asking for closure. Our friendship was brief, just over a year, and for the last six months, not much of a friendship at all. It amounted to a mostly barren Signal thread, with the odd message here or there about astrology, or a podcast neither one of us listened to completion.

The author didn't lose a friend here. They never had a friend here.

I wonder how much of the author's problem is about a mistaken expectation. The expectation that you can meet someone, make contact, and then file that person as a friend forever who will never leave you.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#45

Post by theshadowknows »

ipsi wrote: post #40
theshadowknows wrote: post #32

I don’t have this issue with social media because I don’t really participate all that much. Occasionally one of you guys gets on my case but hey HN are a rowdy sort so I take my punches :) In terms of job interviews I can see where it would get hard for people. The best advice I ever got for that is to expect one call back for every hundred applications, one interview for every hundred call backs, and maybe one offer…

Are... you sure about those numbers? That would be one interview per ten thousand applications, and one offer per million applications. I know you have to submit a lot of job applications, but, uh, that seems excessive!

Oh it’s not meant to be exact :) just sort of a way to think about applications as a big numbers game.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#46

Post by BeFlatXIII »

ipsi wrote: post #40
theshadowknows wrote: post #32

I don’t have this issue with social media because I don’t really participate all that much. Occasionally one of you guys gets on my case but hey HN are a rowdy sort so I take my punches :) In terms of job interviews I can see where it would get hard for people. The best advice I ever got for that is to expect one call back for every hundred applications, one interview for every hundred call backs, and maybe one offer…

Are... you sure about those numbers? That would be one interview per ten thousand applications, and one offer per million applications. I know you have to submit a lot of job applications, but, uh, that seems excessive!

Time to automate the process and become a job application spambot!

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#47

Post by BeFlatXIII »

the_only_law wrote: post #28
dmichulke wrote: post #15

There is this other school of thought where you actively embrace rejection. Quotes like the following (paraphrased) show this: - If you have no enemies, you're not doing something important - If you don't fail 90% of the time, you're not pushing your boundaries hard enough The idea being that once you get rejected often enough, you lose your fear of it and you start becoming authentic and true to yourself.

God I wish I could afford to fail 90% of the time.

Failing 90% of the time means you have an extremely generous buffer such that it’s no longer a requirement to have moderate success on the first try.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#48

Post by ratww »

laurieg wrote: post #18
jokoon wrote: post #13

Before WW2, people were living together more often. Apartment buildings were less common. Today we are all atomized and individualized. Individual kitchen, bathrooms and living rooms are the source of the problem. We feel rejected because our brain are naturally wired for a need of social interaction. It's a normal and legit emotion. In earlier times, people lived closer together. We experienced prosperous large home…

I remember in university I lived in a house with 8 people. We would all gather for dinner, often with a few extras from out of the house. It was such a wonderful feeling (and wonderfully efficient, you only had to cook once a week!). The idea of communal spaces needs to come back. I don't think it would be too hard for a 10-story apartment block to offer a communal area, especially as the shops that were often on the…

Did it ever died?

Most of my younger friends who live in large cities (in Europe and Latin America) live in communal apartments, and most of the older ones certainly did in the past, especially when in university.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#49

Post by nradov »

hirundo wrote: post #26

How much violence in society is a reaction to cumulative rejection? I'd guess a good deal if not most of it. Our ancient lobster-shared neural mechanisms take it deadly seriously whether we do consciously or not. From the long perspective of our selfish genes, rejection is a mortal threat. I appreciate the sympathetic treatment of incels in this article, which seems like an exception to the norm. I think most of us c…

Most incel personal characteristics can be changed with a little effort. There's nothing wrong with changing to make yourself into someone else.

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

#50

Post by theshadowknows »

BeFlatXIII wrote: post #46
ipsi wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are... you sure about those numbers? That would be one interview per ten thousand applications, and one offer per million applications. I know you have to submit a lot of job applications, but, uh, that seems excessive!

Time to automate the process and become a job application spambot!

We will let the application bots and the application scanner bots fight for dominance
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