Rejection Sensitivity

Somebody posted something a day or two ago, about why Russians don't smile.

It has nothing to do with whether or not they are happy or like/dislike people. It's just a cultural thing.

Americans can interpret this as "they don't like me," and Russians can interpret Americans smiling as "they are laughing at me."

Doesn't mean we can't get along. It just means that we need to be open to learning about the culture of others.

If I have an unsmiling Russian friend (I have), then I shouldn't insist that they smile on my behalf, and they shouldn't insist that I stop smiling on theirs.

Before WW2, people were living together more often. Apartment buildings were less common.

Today we are all atomized and individualized. Individual kitchen, bathrooms and living rooms are the source of the problem.

We feel rejected because our brain are naturally wired for a need of social interaction. It's a normal and legit emotion.

In earlier times, people lived closer together. We experienced prosperous large homes, but now unemployment and other jobs are making social life difficult.

In my view, neighborhoods should have a large living space for people to live together: read, talk, eat, etc. Since communism ended this concept of the commons died.

We are all depressed to go back home to rest in an empty apartment.

There is this other school of thought where you actively embrace rejection. Quotes like the following (paraphrased) show this:

- If you have no enemies, you're not doing something important

- If you don't fail 90% of the time, you're not pushing your boundaries hard enough

The idea being that once you get rejected often enough, you lose your fear of it and you start becoming authentic and true to yourself.

The article didn’t resonate with me at all either, but I think it’s mainly because I don’t fit into the collective “we” the author talks about.

> We apply to hundreds of jobs. We swipe on hundreds if not thousands of people on dating apps. Many of us are like me, and perpetually have an infinite loop of notifications on an infinite loop of communication apps.

Naturally if you go head first into potentially thousands of interactions, there will be a lot of rejection.

To me, friends and social media are separate concepts, but I understand that most mix the two.

We have more opportunities to interact with more people from all walks of life from all over the world in a way that is unprecedented. Marginalized groups have found ways to connect to people like them (which would have been impossible in the past). They've found validation about their identity and made real friends. There's so many positive aspects about the society and world we live in today. But because there's so much opportunity for connection today, there's also so many more opportunities for rejection which, as the author puts it, "becomes a painful memory, no matter how many."

Occasionally I'll think to look up someone that I hadn't thought of in a while on Facebook, only to find that they, some time ago, removed me from their friends list. No matter how far removed we were from each other in real life, this always kind of stings. The action requires effort on their part; they look at my profile and evaluate our friendship, or lack thereof, and actively decide that no, they don't want me to be a part of their life anymore, no matter how socially removed Facebook is from it. I've been removed and rejected from participating in their life in this way.

I've also dealt with people of whom I thought I was pretty close and they suddenly drop all contact with me. What did I do to make her not want to be my friend anymore? I don't know. Should I have done something differently? Probably. Is she going through some shit? I don't know and I can't find out. It's frustrating and depressing and is damaging to my already fragile ego.

I don't really have any friends, anymore. There are people that I will occasionally talk to but every year it feels like I've become more and more isolated, despite the fact that there's so much more available out there. Internal factors like depression, anxiety, and ADHD play a part, for sure. When you stop participating in social activities enough for long enough, even the most loyal friends will stop putting in the effort to maintain a relationship with you when they get so little back in return. It's selfish to expect them to do so.

Life marches forward at an almost cruel pace. It doesn't care that I need a breather. That I'm starving for affection or that I'm searching for the faintest drop of connection with another human being. It cares not that the rejections are piling up on top of me making it gradually harder and harder for me to move. It continues on and I have to keep moving forward. Hopefully at some point on the way I can find someone who, if not ease my burden, can at least commiserate as we continue to march forward through it together.