What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids? • Hacker News Board

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#51

Post by gharman » Sat, May 01, 2021, 7:32 PM UTC

xchip wrote: post #35

Do a test drive. Offer your friends to babysit their kids and see how it goes...

I did this but honestly in hindsight it didn’t tell me a lot. Two reasons come to mind:

1. Watching other peoples’ kids is a time-limited exercise. A major challenge with your own kids is that it’s constant and effectively without end.

2. There’s a big difference between kids and MY kids. I just have more intrinsic interest in my own. I do have more “tools” available to me to engage with others’ kids now (up to my own kids’ ages at least) but I care less. Not saying I dislike others’ kids, just that it’s different.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#52

Post by slumdev » Sat, May 01, 2021, 7:33 PM UTC

elite_hackers3 wrote: post #47

matmatmatmat wrote: post #41

Something I haven't seen in the comments, yet, is that kids are truly a one-way decision. I knew this before I went into it, but the repercussions didn't really hit me until after we brought the kid into the world. You will find out things about your spouse and yourself that you never knew about, but your kid will have inherited them. Some of these things are attractive features, others are not. You might have to fig…

it's as brave as "travelling" or "applying to business school" - it's just another experience to be consumed.

Having travelled, gone to grad school, and had kids, I can assure you that kids are more challenging and more rewarding than either of the other two.

Describing the decision to have a family as "another experience to be consumed" betrays an otherworldly level of antinatalist smugness.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#53

Post by ramtatatam » Sat, May 01, 2021, 7:45 PM UTC

I cannot say that I did not have "what if" thoughts after my first child was born - I was questioning my ability to be a father, both mentally and physically, and this was leading to "what if" scenarios rising in my head.

We had our first and second child in the foreign country with no support net you usually have when living near your family. And first birth was very difficult for my spouse, pretty much making her unable to do anything but feed our newborn for the first 6 months. This period in my life was very tough. And mostly because I discovered things about myself I would not want to discover, how weak human being I am and how much do I have to work on myself to improve. And how hard it is to improve, even a little bit. Things I learned about myself are those things that make me think that maybe it would be better if I never got married, but in the same time if I never had kids I would not realize how much work I have to put to become a better person. It's twisted situation.

This is not a therapist session but sometimes I wonder about errors my parents made - but errors I could see only after having my own children.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#54

Post by User23 » Sat, May 01, 2021, 8:00 PM UTC

freshgreen9 wrote: post #22

Honestly, I learned that deep down I hate my kids, but the societal bias against such a position leads me to appear otherwise. That adds to misery though, since now I’m just not myself. Obviously it was a mistake for me. They’re all around 7 now and I’m trying to do my best, but Id rather them grown and gone. Lastly, all the talk about more fulfilling lives etc. How would you know anyway? It’s not like you took both…

This and other comments really reinforce the importance of good mate selection. Your children will inherit a random mix of your traits and your mate’s. If you have children with someone who has a preponderance of traits you dislike you’re liable to have a bad time of it as a parent. On the other hand if you choose well and have a little luck besides you’ll find that your children delight you and your spouse in wonderful and surprising ways.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#55

Post by hellisothers » Sat, May 01, 2021, 8:42 PM UTC

Part way through the hellish first year somebody asked me a similar question (after commenting the first year is brutal) “if you could go back in time and tell yourself about how hard this is would it have changed your mind?”, my answer was and still is “my previous self wouldn’t be able to understand”.

My friend took this to mean I regret having and kid and wish I hadn’t; that isn’t the case, my point was it’s just hard and different in ways you can’t convey to somebody without kids and also there is no way to prepare you for it. There is a feeling in society in general that having a baby is beautiful and affirming etc and either you want to have kids and it’ll be great or you don’t want to have kids and it’ll be hard, it’s just not that simple.

We wanted to have kids, we also would have been ok not having kids too if that’s how the cookie crumbled, we tried and had one and he’s awesome. I think my point here is don’t overthink it, you can’t think yourself through this one :)

My advice would be lean on your support network early and often, we felt we had to be strong and shoulder through it ourselves and I do regret that.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#56

Post by mdorazio » Sat, May 01, 2021, 9:06 PM UTC

slumdev wrote: post #49

mdorazio wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is a rather large difference between perpetuating the species at a sustainable level and “everyone who even remotely wants kids should have some.” If you can’t appreciate this difference, this thread probably isn’t for you.

Read the comment I responded to. It said nothing about sustainable levels: > I would argue having children is incredibly selfish

Yes, read the comment you responded to. It said nothing about permanently dropping fertility rates to zero either. You made a straw man argument and I called you out on it.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#57

Post by elite_hackers3 » Sat, May 01, 2021, 9:14 PM UTC

slumdev wrote: post #52

elite_hackers3 wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

it's as brave as "travelling" or "applying to business school" - it's just another experience to be consumed.

Having travelled, gone to grad school, and had kids, I can assure you that kids are more challenging and more rewarding than either of the other two. Describing the decision to have a family as "another experience to be consumed" betrays an otherworldly level of antinatalist smugness.

The fact that you compared the experiences and concluded that having kids is the more rewarding one - pretty much proves my point. There was no need to do it and yet you did it anyway…

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#58

Post by ramtatatam » Sat, May 01, 2021, 9:38 PM UTC

xchip wrote: post #35

Do a test drive. Offer your friends to babysit their kids and see how it goes...

I remember having my friends (with two kids, 2 and 5) visit us before we had our own children. We have spent a full day together. I was so exhausted with the amount of stimuli that I thought I'll never have my own children. Yet, two years later our first kid was born.. and still, the amount of stimuli is sometimes above my norm. Such is life :)

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#59

Post by [deleted] » Sat, May 01, 2021, 9:46 PM UTC

marto1 wrote: post #7

eMGm4D0zgUAVXc7 wrote: post #2

Try to read/watch the news every day for some time. Do you want to force someone to live on a planet where things happen which are a daily occurrence on ours?

> Try to read/watch the news every day for some time. Never ever do that. Healthy or sick it's just a bad idea ESPECIALLY right now. Put your mental health first and work on things you can actually affect.

[deleted]

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#60

Post by twelve40 » Sat, May 01, 2021, 9:52 PM UTC

treeman79 wrote: post #36

ramshanker wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I saw my future in those words. :D

Pro tip. No phones. No social media. It was unreal to see a happy, social, respectful teenager become depressed, uninvolved and nasty with a phone. Then a complete reversal every time it was taken away.

not very realistic. Bay Area, schools force parents to buy ipads (with Hangouts and everything else). Eventually they also need laptops to do projects. Pretty soon the house is littered with devices, old and new, trying to decide every second if a device is being used for a "legit" purpose or not becomes impractical. The best hope is to teach them what's sensible and what's not, and leave it up to them, after all, they will have to deal with phones and social networks for the rest of their lives without you.