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What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

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Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#31

Post by vmception »

freshgreen9 wrote: post #22

Honestly, I learned that deep down I hate my kids, but the societal bias against such a position leads me to appear otherwise. That adds to misery though, since now I’m just not myself. Obviously it was a mistake for me. They’re all around 7 now and I’m trying to do my best, but Id rather them grown and gone. Lastly, all the talk about more fulfilling lives etc. How would you know anyway? It’s not like you took both…

I see alot of male misery is invalidated by the very people that could help

Something along the lines of “a man is complaining!? hahaha look everyone, a man feels a tiny bit of oppression!”

and never addressing the complaint

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#32

Post by uk-hollywood »

As a 43yr male with 4 kids, 19G, 15G, 10B and 7G I honestly question everyday was having kids the right choice. I love them all to bits but like freshgreen9 sometimes I hate the shits.. Then best age is around 2 - 4, its when they sleep through the night, are almost toilet trained, can communicate and eat mostly anything. At this age they are beautiful and are your world. Just before they get tainted by the realworld and become shits..

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#33

Post by CapitalistCartr »

I didn't plan on having kids. My wife had 3 teenage kids when we met, and didn't plan for more. Then circumstance intervened. A family member needed adopting, and we were the clear first choice. We got him at 13 months when he was released from medical foster care. It's been eye-opening.

My best analysis is that humans are terrible at long-term planning: hence our (at least American) level of personal retirement planning. And children never "pay off". If you expect gratefulness, you are likely to be dissapointed.

So nature doesn't leave it to that. Instead it pushes some powerful, deep-seated buttons in our psyche. Hard. I was shocked to realize on day, after about 6 months, I would kill and die for my son, and looking around realizing most parents out there feel the same. It's this weird, unspoken understanding in our society. And some scary, intense anger at his birth mom. Nature doesn't leave this to chance, instead, it hard-codes the stuff essential to survival.

For a small percentage of people, this button-pushing never happens, and they wonder what the Hell is wrong with them. To them I say, Nothing is wrong with you.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#34

Post by tnzm »

bitxbitxbitcoin wrote: post #6
eMGm4D0zgUAVXc7 wrote: post #2

Try to read/watch the news every day for some time. Do you want to force someone to live on a planet where things happen which are a daily occurrence on ours?

What if I just don't read/watch the news every day? "Bad things" have happened as a daily occurrence for all of history - it's only now that there's an echo chamber and attention economy for this kind of trauma porn. All I'm trying to say is that "Do you want to force someone to live on a planet where things happen which are a daily occurrence on ours?" is a consideration that all of our ancestors had to consider, to…

>"Do you want to force someone to live on a planet where things happen which are a daily occurrence on ours?" is a consideration that all of our ancestors had to consider, too.

Is it? Personally, I doubt that people of the past considered reproduction as optional. There are still places where abortion, or even contraception, are illegal.

Nor did their decision involve "planet-scale" factors. They either succeeded at raising kids, or failed. Normalization of antinatalism is a relatively recent phenomenon. (Even the spell-checker doesn't know the word!)

It's only in modernity that people have the access to information (skewed as it may be), and the freedom (limited as it may be) to make a decision (biased as it may be) about whether to have kids or not.

>What if I just don't read/watch the news every day?

That'll probably make you more informed, not less.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#36

Post by treeman79 »

ramshanker wrote: post #23
treeman79 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s the least dramatic part. Dating drama is exhausting. Late teenage rebellion period is exhausting. Nothing like years of effort, lectures, standards tossed out the window. Umm daughter, your boyfriends profile picture is of him sticking a can up his ass. “”He loves me!, your stupid”” For younger ones chore battles are my current stress point.

I saw my future in those words. :D

Pro tip. No phones. No social media.

It was unreal to see a happy, social, respectful teenager become depressed, uninvolved and nasty with a phone.

Then a complete reversal every time it was taken away.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#37

Post by jasonkester »

blacktriangle wrote: post #25

Biggest thing I wish I would have known is that kids would have been way easier if I started younger. The lack of sleep and extra physical activity is seriously demanding to the point where my kids are now my primary motivation for excersizing just to keep up with them. Obviously this doesn't help out older people, but for younger people debating to have kids earlier or later in life, the answer is have them earlier.…

Funny, I feel the other way around. I waited until I was 40 and everything seems like it was so much easier.

All our friends had had kids, so there was this unlimited supply of free baby stuff available. Not that we needed free stuff because we had a whole lifetime of savings and high paying jobs to cover any expenses that might have come up. I also don't need anywhere near as much sleep anymore as I did in my 20s, so when it turned out that I had to stay up all night every night, it wasn't all that hard to make the switch.

I can't imagine how I could have pulled it off if I also had to work the crappy entry level office job I had in my 20s, living in my dingy studio apartment and eating ramen to try to squirrel away some savings.

Waiting until you're 40 is doing it on easy mode.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#38

Post by mdorazio »

slumdev wrote: post #28
quattrofan wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"make you a better person" how incredibly arrogant,and I would argue having children is incredibly selfish. You are filling a need for yourself no-one else, there is nothing that couldn't be improved by less people on the planet.

If you think perpetuating the species is selfish, this conversation probably isn't for you.

There is a rather large difference between perpetuating the species at a sustainable level and “everyone who even remotely wants kids should have some.” If you can’t appreciate this difference, this thread probably isn’t for you.

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#39

Post by uk-hollywood »

As a 43yr male with 4 kids, 19G, 15G, 10B and 7G I honestly question everyday was having kids the right choice. I love them all to bits but like freshgreen9 sometimes I hate the shits..

Then best age is around 2 - 4, when they sleep through the night, are almost toilet trained, can communicate and eat mostly anything. At this age they are beautiful and are your world and you are theirs. Just before they get tainted by the realworld and become shits.. Then from that point, its a constant learning curve.

I learnt as much about myself as a man and person from my 19 yr as I do from my 7yr and as much from my 10 yr son. I am forever learning and sometime they are painful lessons, ones where you have to pull up your big boy pants and firm it, type of pain.

The best advise I wish I was told earlier is, just because they are your kids it doesnt mean you can expect them to be how you want them to be. We as parents are there to simply guide provide some guide rails, then step the f*k back and leave them on their journey. If you try to do anything other than step back and wait till they need you, your in for a world of heart ache and pain!!!

p.s. GOOD LUCK!!

Re: What you learned after having kids that questioned the decision of having kids?

#40

Post by sneezles »

freshgreen9 wrote: post #22

Honestly, I learned that deep down I hate my kids, but the societal bias against such a position leads me to appear otherwise. That adds to misery though, since now I’m just not myself. Obviously it was a mistake for me. They’re all around 7 now and I’m trying to do my best, but Id rather them grown and gone. Lastly, all the talk about more fulfilling lives etc. How would you know anyway? It’s not like you took both…

It takes a lot of bravery to admit this, and you're certainly not alone in feeling that way - disliking your kids is common but a taboo subject.

It's worth asking yourself whether you /want/ to like your kids. Would your life be better if you liked them? If you don't want to like them, why not? If you do want to, how might you go about that?

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but a therapist can be a really good platform for talking through and exploring things like this, which might be hard to discuss with friends/family/etc.

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