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My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

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Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#551

Post by btilly »

elzbardico wrote: post #501
belorn wrote: post #230

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sweden and Uk spent tens of millions dealing with extradition case for just getting a hearing over an accusation with similar amount of evidence. Technically the legal system could do the same in her case.

We are not in the 80’s anymore. At least in the western world the police is far more prepared to help victims than in the past. Usually the victim is supported by a female investigator, because differently from the past, at least in bigger cities a sizable portion of the police force are women. We are creating this culture of woman fearing getting help from police by pretending things didn’t change during the last 40…

Per https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/rape-kits-are-sit... police in the USA TODAY have over 100,000 untested rape kits collected from women who claimed to have been raped.

You can start telling me how much things have changed after the police take rape seriously enough to actually process physical evidence of reported crimes.

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#552

Post by ie21 »

that_guy_iain wrote: post #538
shakkhar wrote: post #492

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When there's proof, only one story is enough.

What world are you living in? Sexual predators even when there has been proof (and sometimes they‘ve admitted) it often get away with to little to no punishment.

What about those cases when they don't get away? How is that established? Hearsay?

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#553

Post by btilly »

pydry wrote: post #217
btilly wrote: post #124

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I only kind of agree. In this case a Chinese woman living in the USA apparently got raped in Germany 3 years ago. To involve law enforcement she would have to travel to a country where she doesn't speak the language, to make an accusation for which she has no evidence but her word, against a man who lives in another city. What, exactly, do you imagine that the police are likely to do with her report? I hate the court…

>What, exactly, do you imagine that the police are likely to do with her report? If it's anything like the UK (and I suspect it is), they'll likely take it seriously. For example, see the police's reaction here: https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/mt1kw4/withd... If she got robbed, on the other hand, or she reported something like this ten years ago, they'd probably say "meh we are busy, here's your crime…

That is rather astounding. And completely opposite anything that I've ever heard, including from a woman I know who reported her rape less than 5 years ago in Australia.

Meanwhile in the USA we literally have enough untested rape kits to fill a small city. According to https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/rape-kits-are-sit... at least 100,000. (Nobody is really tracking the numbers well, so it is probably more than that.)

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#554

Post by voces »

anon_tor_12345 wrote: post #362
skrowl wrote: post #342

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All for a "he hugged me", not even anything sexual

>I felt being taken advantage of that he had unprotected sex with me when I was intoxicated. At least read the article before being dismissive. Imagine being 20, getting raped, and having randoms on the internet completely invalidate how traumatic it was because they think you're just meming. Like damn and we wonder why women struggle in tech.

If you have a trauma: Work on it with a therapist in private.

Don't write a viral public post about it, ahead of the court case, invite others to comment on it, then blame the women struggle in tech on others who don't agree on the very strong, and damaging, qualifier of rape.

Rape is when you agree to have protected sex, but the man removes the condom sneakily, or the woman punctures the condom. What happened here was consensual sex without a condom, and one party regretting that after the fact (and being unspoken uncomfortable about it during).

Imagine having unprotected two-night stands years back, and suddenly your name is in a widely distributed article, charging you with rape. Like damn, and we wonder in a few years why the overreaction and demonization of the Scala community damaged its growth and inclusion.

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#555

Post by hamburglar »

noobermin wrote: post #347
Pfhreak wrote: post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It creates a power imbalance, or increases the power imbalance that already existed between the two. If you have a boss/employee relationship, or a mentor/mentee relationship, or a professor/student relationship, you need to tread extra carefully around consent. One party in those relationships holds incredible power over the other, and can coerce the weaker party into things they may not be comfortable doing. Likewi…

I don't agree. The crime here seems to be rape and the use of power to extract sex from another. That's the problem. I don't see how sharing an AirBnB is by itself a problem. In light of everything else, it fits a pattern of manipulation, but it by itself isn't harmful.

I agree that by itself it wouldn’t necessarily be a “problem” but even so, it would strike a lot of people as pushing the boundaries of appropriateness.

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#556

Post by Pfhreak »

throwaway0a5e wrote: post #550
Pfhreak wrote: post #355

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not vague. Consent is an enthusiastic and unambiguous yes. Was there an enthusiastic and unambiguous yes? You have consent. Was there not an enthusiastic and unambiguous yes? You do not have consent.

>enthusiastic and unambiguous By redefining consent you've just redefined rape to include some large percentage of people in stable relationships. If everyone's a rapist nobody is.

If you are having sex and your partner isn't unambiguously interested, you need to ask yourself some questions.

Also, people in stable relationships can have non consensual sex. It was legal to rape your wife until like the 90s in parts of the states.

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#557

Post by Pfhreak »

mirekrusin wrote: post #432
foldr wrote: post #416

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing you’re missing here is that sexual consent is an ‘in the moment’ thing. Someone might be coming over to your place fully intending to have sex with you and then change their mind. You have to respect that.

Absolutely, agree. One thing you may be missing is that description doesn't mention anything like that happening and the opportunity to mention it is right there. Why wouldn't this be mentioned if it happened?

It literally mentions she tried to decline but he insisted.

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#558

Post by Zelphyr »

diehunde wrote: post #531
_f1dq wrote: post #280

There is a lot about the sexual events in this post that, to me, highlights something I feel is important which is: we parents need to get better had having conversations with our children around sex. This girl was feeling uncomfortable and crying but at the same time "didn't think those behaviors were problematic". I can't help but wonder if her parents never sat her down and discussed situations like this and, I ge…

I know it's probably not your intention, but you are shifting the blame from Jon to Yifan's parents. I hope this doesn't stay as the first comment in this thread.

It wasn't my intention nor do I believe that's what I'm doing. I'm simply using this event to highlight to other current and future parents like myself that we need to overcome our discomfort with discussing sex with our children so that we can provide them with tools should they ever find themselves in similar situations. I posit that her parents hadn't had those conversations, but I'm also not blaming them in any way if they hadn't, nor am I try to shift blame away from or to anyone.

That is why I was explicit in my request that people not put words in my mouth or read between the lines.

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#559

Post by DoreenMichele »

Zelphyr wrote: post #549
sixstringtheory wrote: post #536

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife told me something a while back about how girls are often taught from a young age to be "sweet" and to defer to adults who demand their affection. I can't remember if it's something she read or came to herself upon examination of her youth. I can see the way that this idea on boundaries can grow to adulthood to having difficulty strongly advocating for oneself. The philosophies you laid out resonate strongly w…

> Did you ever deal with an instance where your kids started telling you "no" in response to demands you felt were reasonable, twisting your original explanations to use against you, for things like eating, cleaning up or hygiene? As a parent of teenagers... omg, yes. LOL. I think it's as much because they're teenagers preparing to leave the nest as much as anything.

The question was aimed at me. I never experienced that.

That doesn't mean the teen years didn't have some bumps. The worst of that was cleared up by explaining to my children that they were being flooded with hormones and a side effect of high levels of testosterone is aggression and anger.

So if they were feeling very, very angry, it wasn't because they were being subjected to extreme injustice they had never before seen. It was because they were hormonal.

That conversation ended with the punchline "You're problem is called testosterone, not my bitch mother." which caused everyone to crack up.

After that I occasionally would say "You sound like an icky, hormone soaked teenager." And my son would say "I am an icky hormone soaked teenager" and he would try to tone down whatever made me say that and I would try to cut him some slack for being hormone soaked and not entirely in control of his big, fat mouth because of it.

Re: My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

#560

Post by anon_tor_12345 »

voces wrote: post #554
anon_tor_12345 wrote: post #362

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>I felt being taken advantage of that he had unprotected sex with me when I was intoxicated. At least read the article before being dismissive. Imagine being 20, getting raped, and having randoms on the internet completely invalidate how traumatic it was because they think you're just meming. Like damn and we wonder why women struggle in tech.

If you have a trauma: Work on it with a therapist in private. Don't write a viral public post about it, ahead of the court case, invite others to comment on it, then blame the women struggle in tech on others who don't agree on the very strong, and damaging, qualifier of rape. Rape is when you agree to have protected sex, but the man removes the condom sneakily, or the woman punctures the condom. What happened here w…

https://utulsa.edu/sexual-violence-prevention-education/alco...
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