Myths About Introverts

Seeing introversion as a preference or identity is fine as long as you have a nice consistently introverted life and that's exactly what you want, but it harks back to the day when everybody had their place and accepted their limitations and anyone who felt any conflict or frustration about it was "maladjusted." If you're introverted and want some of the benefits of extroversion, such as a bigger social network for locating jobs and meeting women, or if you discover that you really enjoy a hobby that has a large incidental but unavoidable social component, then you're supposed to realize those things are "just not you" and go home and read a book.

Introversion as an identity is a nice explanation when you really don't want to do something. "What, you don't want to go to the Nicki Minaj concert?" "Let me explain. You see, I'm an introvert...." But what explanation do you give yourself when you really want to go see a certain band but you think the social aspect will drain you so much it will be hard to enjoy? There's no simple "I like this" or "I don't like this." There's a conflict that can't be resolved. What do you do when you realize it's nice to have a big diverse circle of friends sometimes -- for trying to round people up for certain activities, or so you aren't limited to the tastes of your one or two really close friends -- but maintaining that social network is intimidating and draining and you don't know if you're up to it? Introversion starts to seem less like a matter of taste and more like a limitation you're fighting against.

It's nice to say you're a picky person who doesn't like superficial relationships, who only wants a handful of close friends you can engage with in a meaningful way, but then you plan a backpacking trip and realize there's some climbing involved and it isn't safe to go alone. You could limit yourself to whatever your friends like to do. But the trip sounds really cool, and now that you think about it, you're pretty sure you'd enjoy rock climbing in itself. Wait, there's a problem. Learning basic rock climbing doesn't intimidate you, but you will have to meet people who like climbing, meet enough of them and cultivate enough social connections to put together three or four people to do this hike. What would sound fun to an extrovert -- meet a bunch of new people who share my interests, yay! -- poses a tough decision for the introvert. Do I really want to do this? Will it be worth it? Am I even capable of doing it? It will involve a lot of social interaction, and I don't know if I can muster enough smalltalk and conviviality or if I'll get tired, zone out, fail to engage and be engaging.

That brings up another matter of "taste." It would be nice to say I'm simply bored by smalltalk, but I can't kid myself; it isn't that simple. I know that once in a while I do like smalltalk, and when I think about it my ability to enjoy a social situation has more to do with my mood going into it than the situation itself. I get bored when I'm not engaged, and I have difficulty engaging with people because anxiety and stress make me shut down. When I'm overflowing with positive feelings, I have no problem engaging with people and enjoying smalltalk. So the problem isn't smalltalk, unless I want to say that I'm stupid to enjoy it when I do, and right to be bored when it bores me.

I could resolve all these problems by having a consistent life and molding my tastes to coincide with my comfort zone. I could just happen to prefer hobbies that shelter me from social situations or bring me together with other introverts instead of forcing me into uncomfortable situations. It's great when it works out that way, and it's certainly a major factor in how I manage to enjoy life! But I chafe against it. I'm maladjusted. I don't like tailoring my life to my natural limitations any more than I like tailoring my life to other people's expectations. My introversion messes with me, so I mess with it right back. Sometimes, when I can afford the energy.

Thanks to all three of you for your examples.

Have you seen Beautiful Young Minds? There's a scene where one of the students learns he has made the next round. The narrator says "congratulations". They chat a bit, and as the narrator is leaving he says, "congratulations" again, and the student in a dismissive way says, "You already said that".

I think that's what most people see in introverts that is rude. Or when you say "Hi Tim" in the hall and he just looks away. Or if you ask "Can you pass the ketchup?" in the cafeteria and they say, "I prefer not to".

All of these are probably very honest responses, yet I think I'd bucket them as rude.