Ask HN: How to build empathy?

A few more points because I’m seeing some confusion in the comments.

I’m speaking of Nonviolent communication the framework. It defines “needs”, “feelings”, “actions/strategies” as more concrete than the fuzzier definition each of us has intuitively.

Here’s the inventory of needs for example: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

And a need does not involve a specific person taking a specific action. As in, I can meet my need for play/playfulness by sharing a joke, playing chess online, playing ultimate werewolf with friends etc. one need many strategies.

Also, “empathy” is a process which takes place that the person you hope to give empathy to feels felt by you.

This could be the result of a simple nod, or may need you to reflect their current needs and feelings so they know you have insight in their emotional world and into what’s really important.

It’s a framework focusing attention and exchange on what is universally similar between us and creates harmony and resonance.

Also, it gives up control. You cannot use it to influence behavior.

The “power” of non-violence is connection.

That scene gave me chills while watching it, and chills just now while re-watching it.

So good.

Just being quiet and not reacting in any way would probably already make you a better listener than most people. Yes, I am completely serious about it: most people just interrupt you to start telling their own story. (Forget even the advice about occassionally nodding and saying "uhm". Just listen; don't interrupt the speaker to show them how awesome is your listening.)

This skill is even more important when people get to sensitive emotional stuff. Not freaking out (this includes the body language; don't jump, don't pull away) is how you get people tell you things they have never told anyone else. You may learn that the world is much darker place than you assumed, though.

The next level is repeating back to people what they just told you, using slightly different words. Less is more, don't add your own interpretation or judgment. Just imagine that you have read a page from a book, and are trying to summarize it to someone else. (This is a simplistic description of Rogerian therapy.)

Whatever you hear during these moments, don't tell anyone, and don't use it in a later argument against the person who told you. Best if you forget it immediately.

This is often enough. Most people actually can solve their problems; they just need a permission to think about them. You provide that permisssion (a social approval) by listening without interrupting. By repeating their own words, you make them realize what they just said, which they often needed to hear more than whatever else you could tell them instead.

I am not saying that this is the best you can possibly do. Just that most people fail to even get here, and that the things they do instead are usually not as useful.

I suspect that people can never perfectly understand each other, but they have a huge emotional need to be perfectly understood regardless. You can cross a lot of this distance by listening, but when you get as far as you can, you can only provide an illusion of the rest. At the end, you are just a mirror that allows the other person to see themselves.

(Recommended reading: Nonviolent Communication; Games People Play.)

read fiction

Lo!