Why are fewer young adults having casual sex? • Hacker News Board

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#221

Post by nickthemagicman » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:02 PM UTC

imbnwa wrote: post #217

nickthemagicman wrote: post #216

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Gorillas and Chimps have harems. Is what you're saying accurate? The harem strategy is the most successful reproductive strategy throughout all of the MAMMALS not just the apes.

The strategy is dominant, but amongst apes, its just that, dominant. Gorilla paternity testing reveals this lack of exclusivity, but the theory is that male testicle size amongst ape species tracks how exclusive females are. Promiscuity is rampant, its a question to what degree.

It looks like males with larger testicles kill their babies more often so females became more promiscuous to confuse the males. Interesting fact!

https://www.tremr.com/Duck-Rabbit/primate-testicle-size-dete...

Everything from elephant seals, to fruit bats, to gorillas, form harems.

Monogomy seems the rarest of all bi-gender mating strategys.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#222

Post by AnIdiotOnTheNet » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:09 PM UTC

kar5pt wrote: post #208

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #182

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You've obviously never been an unattractive man on Tinder. It's not just "hard", it's mentally excruciating. You don't have to be unattractive to find it excruciating, it's just generally excruciating by its very nature. Being in the top 5% or so of attractiveness is just the only way out. Dating apps are terrible and will one day rank among mankind's most awful crimes. > I'm tired of this, "just keep trying and yo…

The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. The other part which I forgot to mention is that social capital has been declining since the 60's (see the book Bowling Alone), so it's become harder to meet someone off of dating apps. The instit…

> The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise.

Maybe this didn't come across well, but I specifically don't recommend using dating apps ever. Meeting someone in real life that fits those criteria is a matter of being places where people are that you're likely to get along with, and then, you know, getting to know at least one well enough to start dating them. It's not easy exactly but it is a heck of a lot more likely you'll find someone that way than trolling an eyeball-farming simulacrum of human interaction.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#223

Post by testfoobar » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:13 PM UTC

quacked wrote: post #46

Modern casual sexual encounters are assessed purely on subjective ratings of the opposite party's sexual attractiveness (secondary sexual characteristics, behavior, social status, etc.). Furthermore, constant saturation into the full range of these behaviors and characteristics across humanity through the internet and dating applications creates a endless "could I get a better mate?" feedback loop in the minds of bot…

I agree with you to a point. "could I get a better mate" is absolutely true when you can swipe across hundreds of profiles.

Where it is not true is that attraction is a multi-dimensional process that is very poorly captured by online dating. Men in particular are disadvantaged by it. This is well studied.

The false conclusion to draw is that if you fail at online dating, you will fail at real life dating. This false conclusion stops many young men from even trying in the real world. There are so many dimensions on which attraction is developed that many, many who are currently alone could easily and successfully find partners. It makes me sad.

I have absolutely seen 5'4" men who would catastrophically fail in the online dating market meet, date and marry successful, intelligent, kind, beautiful women. I have absolutely seen many nerdy men, goofy men, brown men, asian men succeed effortlessly with women. It all requires real-world interactions though.

In the real world, people respond to so many more signals. You have to go out there, meet people, learn and develop yourself.

This is the process I encourage my single friends to follow: become the person someone else would be thrilled to meet, proud to befriend, excited to date and overjoyed to marry.

But to do so, you must first go out in the real world and make friends. Don't go out with any expectations of getting a date or a hookup. Learn to make friends with a diverse array of people. This is key. Each different type of person will help you learn about yourself.

Dating will emerge naturally as you get beter at making friends.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#224

Post by TheAdamAndChe » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:19 PM UTC

devchix wrote: post #218

viklove wrote: post #200

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, when you encounter ideas that make you uncomfortable it's important to shut your eyes, plug your ears, and run away!

Yes. Because every idea that makes me uncomfortable is worth my time exploring. /s Presumptive of you to think I haven't, though. Red pill ideology is garbage.

I think the conflict here is from you associating the discussion of hypergamy and the effect of social media on dating with a red-pill ideology. Red-pillers and incels are on an extreme end of the spectrum, but they are occurring in reaction to something real. That real change shouldn't be flippantly dismissed.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#225

Post by testfoobar » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:24 PM UTC

quacked wrote: post #46

Modern casual sexual encounters are assessed purely on subjective ratings of the opposite party's sexual attractiveness (secondary sexual characteristics, behavior, social status, etc.). Furthermore, constant saturation into the full range of these behaviors and characteristics across humanity through the internet and dating applications creates a endless "could I get a better mate?" feedback loop in the minds of bot…

It is absolutely not true that men who succeed are "tremendous specimens". Sure - some are. But the vast majority are not. It is an erroneous and harmful conclusion to decide that "tremendous specimens" are hoarding all the sex. This false conclusion prevents young men from seeing the actual reality that attraction is multi-faceted and multi-dimensional.

I know any number of guys who are not tremendous specimens who have no trouble at all getting dates or meeting new women for hookups. Each brings something to the table - something that attracts partners. Each guy has learned about themselves and works to develop themselves.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#226

Post by kar5pt » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:37 PM UTC

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #222

kar5pt wrote: post #208

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. The other part which I forgot to mention is that social capital has been declining since the 60's (see the book Bowling Alone), so it's become harder to meet someone off of dating apps. The instit…

> The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. Maybe this didn't come across well, but I specifically don't recommend using dating apps ever . Meeting someone in real life that fits those criteria is a matter of being places where people are…

I agree but that's becoming harder as social capital deteriorates. For example, I've tried joining hobby groups and they're usually overwelming older people and/or male. You could say, "just try different hobbies" but that would just be me pretending to like things that I don't to get laid, which is kind of sleazy.

This is not a problem that can be solved on the individual level. We need networks that can facilitate forming social connections. And that (in my opinion) is a sociological project.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#227

Post by devchix » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:38 PM UTC

TheAdamAndChe wrote: post #224

devchix wrote: post #218

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. Because every idea that makes me uncomfortable is worth my time exploring. /s Presumptive of you to think I haven't, though. Red pill ideology is garbage.

I think the conflict here is from you associating the discussion of hypergamy and the effect of social media on dating with a red-pill ideology. Red-pillers and incels are on an extreme end of the spectrum, but they are occurring in reaction to something real. That real change shouldn't be flippantly dismissed.

"hypergamy" is foundational to red pill and well-understood within the core beliefs. One can discuss the effect of social media on dating outside the light cone of red pill. It's a reaction to something, like white nationalism is a reaction to something, but that something is ill-defined and not necessarily real for anyone else except the person in which it evokes the response.

Regardless, I value HN and don't want to discuss red pill. I regret even mentioning it. I withdraw and leave you the field.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#228

Post by TheAdamAndChe » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:48 PM UTC

devchix wrote: post #227

TheAdamAndChe wrote: post #224

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the conflict here is from you associating the discussion of hypergamy and the effect of social media on dating with a red-pill ideology. Red-pillers and incels are on an extreme end of the spectrum, but they are occurring in reaction to something real. That real change shouldn't be flippantly dismissed.

"hypergamy" is foundational to red pill and well-understood within the core beliefs. One can discuss the effect of social media on dating outside the light cone of red pill. It's a reaction to something, like white nationalism is a reaction to something, but that something is ill-defined and not necessarily real for anyone else except the person in which it evokes the response. Regardless, I value HN and don't want t…

> that something is ill-defined and not necessarily real for anyone else except the person in which it evokes the response.

Read the comments in this thread. This is affecting the majority of people trying to date right now. The existence of zealots arising from an issue doesn't mean the issue isn't real or worth trying to fix.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#229

Post by PrefixKitten » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 7:49 PM UTC

testfoobar wrote: post #223

quacked wrote: post #46

Modern casual sexual encounters are assessed purely on subjective ratings of the opposite party's sexual attractiveness (secondary sexual characteristics, behavior, social status, etc.). Furthermore, constant saturation into the full range of these behaviors and characteristics across humanity through the internet and dating applications creates a endless "could I get a better mate?" feedback loop in the minds of bot…

I agree with you to a point. "could I get a better mate" is absolutely true when you can swipe across hundreds of profiles. Where it is not true is that attraction is a multi-dimensional process that is very poorly captured by online dating. Men in particular are disadvantaged by it. This is well studied. The false conclusion to draw is that if you fail at online dating, you will fail at real life dating. This false…

> become the person someone else would be thrilled to meet, proud to befriend, excited to date and overjoyed to marry.

The 3 most recent exes of mine all had begged me to marry them at some point in the relationship. One even offered to buy me a ring and propose.

But in the last 6 years I haven't had a single relationship... The enormous contrast in outcome has me totally bewildered.

Re: Why are fewer young adults having casual sex?

#230

Post by PurpleFoxy » Wed, Mar 03, 2021, 8:08 PM UTC

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #222

kar5pt wrote: post #208

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. The other part which I forgot to mention is that social capital has been declining since the 60's (see the book Bowling Alone), so it's become harder to meet someone off of dating apps. The instit…

> The part about it being easier if you're looking for a life partner is not true in my experience since most young women on dating apps will just assume that any man on there just wants sex and is lying if he says otherwise. Maybe this didn't come across well, but I specifically don't recommend using dating apps ever . Meeting someone in real life that fits those criteria is a matter of being places where people are…

I know this doesn’t apply to most, but as a gay person, I think apps are probably the easiest way to find someone since you can’t just hang around places and try to meet people.