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Toxic positivity does more harm than good

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Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#241

Earlier quoted context omitted.

FWIW, as the manager I don't feel I own the commitment date, the team does. That process has a 'content' aspect to it as well in the form, "by this date, this content, by this later date this additional content". But I understand the angst against managers who "manage up" promising impossible dates and "blaming down" when the dates aren't met. I learned early on as an individual contributor that "getting it in writin…

I think this works, but only in cases where two things are true: - the team is actually responsible for the date—often, there's massive asymmetric pressure to aim for less time - if it's an actual deadline, the team has the autonomy to adjust scope to hit it In my experience, the worst situations happen when estimates are treated like deadlines . An estimate has to have uncertainty . Without some way to manage uncert…

I don't disagree with you, but as you accurately infer this is a management problem not a team problem. When folks start becoming managers of managers this becomes a bigger focus of their job.

I see the whole "agile" movement as a response to this problem. In an effort to mitigate the "error bars" of an estimate a process that iterates over 2 week sprints allows for estimate corrections during development. It isn't obvious to everyone but this is just upping the sample rate on the estimation signal to get a better handle on the noise and thus the signal to noise ratio.

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#242
Thanks god some else hates this as much as I do.

As someone who probably is intellectualizing some latent mental illness, I find a lot more value in just adopting a pessimistic view on life. I get that I'm extreme in this regard, but honestly I'd rather have a cultural shift towards a slightly gloomier view than this sugar-coating.

A somewhat relevant TED talk that hits many of the reasons why I think it's better to be hopeless and/or pessimistic than be positive: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LlWufvZLxI&fbclid=IwAR0QeEq...

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#243

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of insight in the parent comment here. Most importantly this: "...there seems to be two camps of people: those who want constant positive reinforcement and those who it completely has the opposite effect ..." If you are leading and or managing a team, one of the most important things you need to know are how do people want their feedback. My experience is that it varies from person to person (I suspect that the…

In the end, HOW you deliver feedback matters. Personally, I have three important characteristics for a feedback. Point 1 : "Be Specific". I can not stress this enough. Please point out specific observable behaviour. Point 2 : Frame feedback in terms of team/organisational goals. Every team has a purpose within the organisation. It's a team game and every team member should know the feedback in context of the team gam…

> Cite the past but look for future changes in behaviour.

I've heard this referred to as "feedforward" before (as opposed to feedback). Instead of saying "last time you did X, you made a mistake and should instead do Y" you phrase it "next time you do X, make sure to do Y". It's subtle, with the goal of avoiding defensiveness.

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#244

I've felt a lot of "false" positivity espoused by project managers, especially those in charge of agile ceremonies. Examples: "I'm really {proud,impressed} of all of you for your output this sprint", "You guys are {killing,crushing,owning} it", "You all should be very proud of what you guys did", etc. These aren't given after periods of crunch time, they're literally every week to the point where it feels so contrive…

A lot of insight in the parent comment here. Most importantly this: "...there seems to be two camps of people: those who want constant positive reinforcement and those who it completely has the opposite effect ..." If you are leading and or managing a team, one of the most important things you need to know are how do people want their feedback. My experience is that it varies from person to person (I suspect that the…

Along these lines, it's worth reading The Culture Map by Erin Meyer. It gives some interesting insight into how different cultures approach management and decision making. I think it also applies when thinking about people from within the same culture to some extent.

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#245
post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Completely agree that HOW matters so much! To me and probably many others (albeit often subconsciously), point 3 comes across as blaming, overly-generalized, and lacking in personal (and group) accountability for your experiences. What about something like, "Hey John, the last time you did X, Y happened, which had Z consequences. I felt { disappointed / let down / concerned / irritated / worried / angry / $whatever_e…

I used to see a therapist who told me to do that, and eventually I realized it was a bullshit idea and I should not be working on reframing my expectations of colleagues so I was OK with them actively lying about work, so I quit and it was fantastic. You can try and change yourself to make things work, but it's not always the right or even healthy way to approach a problem.

The point isn't to lower your expectations, the point is acknowledge that the way you feel is under your control and it's up to you to do something about it. So if your coworkers let you down, they don't make you feel let down, your own expectations make you feel let down. How you fix that is your responsibility.

You can try and help your colleagues, you can rely on them less, or you can quit your job. Blaming your colleagues and making them responsible for your feelings means feeling shitty and feeling powerless to feel better.

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#246
When I was a kid, I read somewhere that if you smile all the time it will make you feel happier. I decided to try it. I smiled all the time whether I was feeling happy or not. It worked. It made me feel better.

Say what you want, but I enjoy feeling happy, and if I have to engage in a bit of mental convolution to achieve it I'm all for it whether it is a lie or not.

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#247
post #230
post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

American in Europe : "Jesus, everyone here is so rude and cold." European in America : "Jesus, everyone here is so fake and annoying."

How do Europeans feel in Latin America? As a Latin American, I studied aboard in the US for a year, and I felt Americans were way colder than us. I wouldn’t say we’re fake about our warmness. But maybe Europeans could associate that with being fake?

Americans are "colder" in the among-peers relationships, but they are extra-sweet-hyper-annoying "warm" when they need to treat you as a client. We latinos are closer to they way southern-Europeans are.

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#248

I've felt a lot of "false" positivity espoused by project managers, especially those in charge of agile ceremonies. Examples: "I'm really {proud,impressed} of all of you for your output this sprint", "You guys are {killing,crushing,owning} it", "You all should be very proud of what you guys did", etc. These aren't given after periods of crunch time, they're literally every week to the point where it feels so contrive…

Funny enough, it was playing Football Manager that taught me this lesson that too much praise is counterproductive and can actually harm morale.

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#249
post #203

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Next time you get such a compliment, maybe ask for a raise or a bonus? Then you know whether the compliment was real or not.

Hey, you get free string cheese, what more do you want?

We take those

Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good

#250

I've felt a lot of "false" positivity espoused by project managers, especially those in charge of agile ceremonies. Examples: "I'm really {proud,impressed} of all of you for your output this sprint", "You guys are {killing,crushing,owning} it", "You all should be very proud of what you guys did", etc. These aren't given after periods of crunch time, they're literally every week to the point where it feels so contrive…

"You guys are {killing,crushing,owning} it" I say this to my team a lot, even though they're operating as "expected" levels for my company. The reality is there are a lot of teams and a lot of companies that simply do not expect much from their teams. We do. I want to remind the team that they are doing good work. When people have confidence they're doing a good job, they're more likely to continue to do a good job.

> When people have confidence they're doing a good job, they're more likely to continue to do a good job.

They're just as liable to continue doing a shit job, and with the confidence that your opinion isn't worth a dram.

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