Wow, this comment section is like a flame for all the type-A moths (straight feedback; boo to "false encouragement" etc etc). Please understand, readers, that you are participating in a VERY misrepresentative subset. I believe this title really hit a nerve with y'all, and seems you swarmed in here.
Toxic positivity does more harm than good
221–230 of 296 posts
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#222Earlier quoted context omitted.
Yes, I understand. But a lot of the time people express feelings indirectly, and it's pointless to try to change everyone's communication style. So people sometimes use praise if they're happy about something, or whatever, and I interpret that in a way that suits my well being. It's just part of the communication style of someone, or even part of a culture of a country. If it bothers me, and it is the relationship I…
"Be conservative in what you send, be liberal in what you accept" ;)
Hehe, I approve of this protocol. :)
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#223I've felt a lot of "false" positivity espoused by project managers, especially those in charge of agile ceremonies. Examples: "I'm really {proud,impressed} of all of you for your output this sprint", "You guys are {killing,crushing,owning} it", "You all should be very proud of what you guys did", etc. These aren't given after periods of crunch time, they're literally every week to the point where it feels so contrive…
They should just dole out cryptocurrency every time they say that. The words would have meaning again.
Because what Schrute Bucks really need is a blockchain.
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#224Earlier quoted context omitted.
American in Europe : "Jesus, everyone here is so rude and cold." European in America : "Jesus, everyone here is so fake and annoying."
Canadian here. Our culture tends to pick and choose from the best of either the American or the European approach. We don't always get it right, and the combination/middle ground isn't necessarily better than either of the alternatives, but I do feel like we have some general insight and sympathy to both the European and the American philosophies. I've also lived as an ex-pat in Europe for 4 years working closely wit…
> Europeans are overly sensitive about "micro-friendliness". I've heard people complain that the cashier at the grocery store asks "How are you doing?". "They don't really care, why do they ask!"
As a Brit I feel this way, I personally don't ask someone how they're doing unless I'm interested in the answer, but the rhetorical How are you doing? is used plenty in Britain.
How do you do? has fallen out of common usage but traditionally the proper response was How do you do?
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#225Earlier quoted context omitted.
This may sound a bit cynical but it's honest: When everyone else is gratuitously praising engineering, it sort of creates an atmosphere that feels like engineering is being taken advantage of by these other people: managers, sales people, execs. It feels like these people think you're their cash cow, and also that they think you're kind of stupid, and gratuitous compliments are enough to keep the cash cow going. That…
That sounds like a personal issue though. I generally know if I'm doing a good job or being a load, and I don't look to external support or denial of that. I prefer regular work reviews but I don't need to hear it all the time. People are people and quite varied, some will think you're doing a great job and never say a thing, others prefer to be "positive" and lay it on a bit thick. When I want an honest evaluation I…
>I generally know if I'm doing a good job
Could you elaborate? I would agree that random praise from a manager is not an especially good way to evaluate how well one is doing. But to me, "doing a good job" inherently depends on things that aren't purely determined by introspection.
Here's a scenario for example: I do things for people, that are well received, my manager talks to other people, and it leads to people outside my department asking for special projects.
I create something, of which I'm reasonably proud, and it gets copious praise from the requestor. But it turns out, I learn through the grapevine, there are several people who I never came in contact with, who are the actual intended end users, who ultimately refuse to use it at all, because it doesn't fit into their workflow, because the manager who asked me to do it doesn't understand it.
Without external feedback, there's no way to tell what effect I'm having on the organization and the world. And I would think that every employee at any level has to deal with this.
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#226Earlier quoted context omitted.
"You guys are {killing,crushing,owning} it" I say this to my team a lot, even though they're operating as "expected" levels for my company. The reality is there are a lot of teams and a lot of companies that simply do not expect much from their teams. We do. I want to remind the team that they are doing good work. When people have confidence they're doing a good job, they're more likely to continue to do a good job.
no one wants fake praise, but rather real, genuine praise only. some folks will convince themselves the fake praise is genuine, but mostly, everyone can tell in their heart of hearts which is which. you're not really fooling most folks most of the time. give real praise only when it's deserved. support and compassion, however, should always be readily at hand.
I think this is the main issue with generic "you guys are [something] it!" type of praise. There are no details at all, so it seems fake and superficial.
I do agree with the general sentiment of the parent post though. Having managed IT (operations not development) when good work is done, often the intention is that no one notices. Therefore the broader organisation may not have sufficient awareness that anything of value has been achieved.
In such circumstances I believe it is up to the manager to both manage up in terms of making the team's achievement known and recognised, as well as represent the organisation and acknowledge the team's work.
A few of the posts above are essentially prescribing using STAR to offer feedback, which I think is more thoughtful than just generic words of affirmation. This can be made even more authentic if you take the time to talk to affected stakeholders and gather real testimonials to pass back to the team.
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#227Earlier quoted context omitted.
Same for me. I hate the celebratory management emails after crunch time. They feel insulting to me. I expect management to help during the project and not celebrating once everything is done. That while not having fixed obvious problems during the project. My partner is the other way. She loves and needs praise. The more the better. Another interesting thing was at the end of one of the last projects. There was a sur…
For us, the choice is time-off award or cash award. To me it's a no-brainer because in terms of hourly pay, the time-off translates to significantly more money. But others struggle to find reasons to take time-off. Good management knows what people want. Even better management recognizes that someone is burning out and gives the time-off even when they'd prefer cash. There's a third minor option. Gift certificates fo…
Time off or cash is definitely the best way to show appreciation. Otherwise the old saying is still valid “Words are cheap”
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#228Earlier quoted context omitted.
I was so taken back by this when I joined a huge tech company for the first time. I couldn't tell at first whether people were so miscalibrated that they couldn't tell that the work wasn't impressive or whether it was just a tradition to bullshit all the time. So many of the exaggerated positive statements are about things so minor that they actually come of a bit condescending to me.
This has been my experience as well. I'm still not sure who is fake and who is sincere about this stuff. We have a weekly status meeting with the first section dedicated to "how are we winning" -- which is like awesome if you are a baseball team but when you are rolling out incremental features to a modest app and dealing w routine operational concerns it's hard to get that excited about "nothing caught on fire this…
I was almost relieved the first time I listened to someone say, "Wow! This is huge. What a launch," to someone and then admit when they were gone that they couldn't even see the difference.
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#229Earlier quoted context omitted.
So you can never make mistakes in your commitments?
I do. Sometimes I work harder to compensate, some times I apologize. But then it’s my mistake so I can negotiate with myself. Sometimes working harder is warranted. Some salesperson screwed up, and it’s not really possible to reneg the multi million dollar contract. “I’m sorry guys, what can we do?”
FWIW, as the manager I don't feel I own the commitment date, the team does. That process has a 'content' aspect to it as well in the form, "by this date, this content, by this later date this additional content". But I understand the angst against managers who "manage up" promising impossible dates and "blaming down" when the dates aren't met. I learned early on as an individual contributor that "getting it in writing" was essential to protect myself and personally vowed never to inflict that pain on anyone that works for me.
Re: Toxic positivity does more harm than good
#230I vastly prefer honest negativity over dishonest positivity. An example of this is the behavior of service personnel in the US compared to my native country, every time I go there I almost want to tell them to tone down the niceness, but of course there's no point because I realize I'm the odd one out. Of course I appreciate the effort of being "nice" but when you're not doing it out of genuine care for someone I'd m…
American in Europe : "Jesus, everyone here is so rude and cold." European in America : "Jesus, everyone here is so fake and annoying."
How do Europeans feel in Latin America?
As a Latin American, I studied aboard in the US for a year, and I felt Americans were way colder than us.
I wouldn’t say we’re fake about our warmness. But maybe Europeans could associate that with being fake?