I am lonely will anyone speak to me • Hacker News Board

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#181

Post by roflc0ptic » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:57 AM UTC

imtringued wrote: post #173

roflc0ptic wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There actually is research about men and women both turning away from men who are seeking emotional support. College age researchees, so YMMV. Research is referenced in Terrence real’s “I don’t want to talk about it.” Basically you have to learn to express emotions in the right way, and to the right people, at the right time. I had to train my therapist girlfriend not to freak out when I have strong, negative feeling…

That's interesting. So you are basically saying anger is the only socially accepted way of expressing these suppressed emotions?

Thats's definitely not what I'm saying. I'm saying I was badly punished because a particular person misperceived me as being angry.

I think this line that anger is an acceptable emotion for men to express is out of line with reality; it's certainly out of line with my lived experience. Anger expressed by men is punished, sometimes exorbitantly.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#182

Post by pvorb » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 12:02 PM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

How did it impact how people interact with you online?

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#183

Post by pvorb » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 12:10 PM UTC

barry-cotter wrote: post #167

watwut wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't see how i could go to bowling league regularly and simultaneously keep full time job, be actual non absent parent for kids and maintain at least some relationship with extended family. Bowling social clubs assume everyone has a lot of free time, does not have small kids or offloaded all kids care on partner.

Are you assuming a full time job means 60 hours a week?

You don't have children, have you?

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#184

Post by barry-cotter » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 12:14 PM UTC

watwut wrote: post #174

barry-cotter wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you assuming a full time job means 60 hours a week?

No, I am assuming 40-45 hours not counting lunch and transport to/ from work.I am assuming you shop, eat dinner, take showers and sleep. I am assuming that you take kids outside, feed them half time, interact with them, take them from kindergarten, ensure homework is done and generally raise them. I am assuming that sometimes you need to be alone and just rest too. You can't spend all the time in obligations only wit…

You’re just saying you have other priorities that are higher than having a regular social engagement. That’s fine. If you don’t want to do anything other than work, keep up family ties, hang out with your children and spouse that’s fine. But other people feel they can do all of those to their satisfaction and have an ongoing social engagement.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#185

Post by snx_0 » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 12:40 PM UTC

SeeDave wrote: post #162

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

> I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel better, youll make friends without even trying. Its impossible to go through an hour of physical suffering every day with the same people and not end up gradually talking more and getting to know each other. I really encourage people to try a martial art like boxing, muay thai, or brazilian jiu jitsu once COVID lockdowns are over. These sports are…

26y/o depressed kickboxer reporting. I'd like to add on this with my own experience.

4 years ago I joined a gym and that is hands down the best choice I made in my life.

While I agree on/confirm all other points, 6, 7 and 8 aren't that easy: everytime I talk about my hobby, I usually get one of these feedbacks:

- "he's dangerous, better stay away before a brawl starts"

- "nah, you don't looke like a fighter" (my body is slim type)

- general ignorant remarks about kickboxing vs muahy thai, or this gym vs that gym. Or my sport is better than yours.

The issue is two fold:

On one side, people are generally ignorant regarding martial arts (mechanics, techniques, mindset, morality).

On the other side, training usually gives you enough muscles to practice the art (and you'll notice that), but it might not be enough to give you "visible" muscles: for that you need a diet and training tailor suited to your body parameters.

(EDIT: formatting)

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#186

Post by Kye » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 12:56 PM UTC

riku_iki wrote: post #58

spondyl wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In a similar but less urgent vein, if you're having a quiet holiday much like myself but could do with a(n asynchronous) chat, feel free to send anything through to the email listed on my profile. Likewise, I'm sure other HNers may like to announce as such but just need a little nudge :) --- I'm sure plenty of bios have contact invitations but us humans are pretty bad at the idea of cold calling strangers I sort of w…

Someone should create hacker news discord server..

HN can barely keep a check on demon threads[0] with some automated systems to slow posting down and one good, even-handed mod. One uncharitable read and one response would lead to a nightmare realm that would crash Discord.

[0] https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/BZtAavpsy9WtMYgEL/demon-thre...

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#187

Post by michaelt » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 12:57 PM UTC

watwut wrote: post #147

AnthonyMouse wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there's something to what you're saying but the terms are slightly wrong. Individualism is ordinarily set in opposition to collectivism, but it's the bastardization of both that have created the problem. On the one hand, social clubs have been evaporating. Bowling leagues, rotary clubs, ham radio clubs etc. They're fading, and this predates 2020. These things are compatible with individualism -- it's freedom…

I don't see how i could go to bowling league regularly and simultaneously keep full time job, be actual non absent parent for kids and maintain at least some relationship with extended family. Bowling social clubs assume everyone has a lot of free time, does not have small kids or offloaded all kids care on partner.

Many working parents can find ~2 hours, once or twice a week - especially once the kids are old enough not to need constant supervision.

It's not like you're a bad parent if you're only reading them a bedtime story 5 days a week instead of 7.

Of course, there are still a lot of things competing for that discretionary time - exercise, or a job with a longer commute, or socialising, or working late, or professional development, or volunteering, or a hobby, or relaxing, or political engagement.

And hell, if you like that extra 2 evenings reading bedtime stories more than you like bowling, that's a completely valid choice too. Wouldn't have had kids if you didn't like that sort of thing, after all.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#188

Post by mhh__ » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 1:01 PM UTC

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

If you can, fencing is great too.

It can be as physically demanding as you want (depends on the weapon) , and even better is that you make new friends and get to stab them

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#189

Post by fuckminster_b » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 1:10 PM UTC

tw25532050 wrote: post #105

smeej wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For some of us, it's not about changing your mind. You're right--life isn't for everyone. Death comes for everyone, one way or another, at some point. Normally we don't pick when, but maybe you're right and this is how it comes for you. That's not up to me. If you don't want to go through it alone, though, you don't have to. We could look that mystery in its face together. See what's there. I'm not expecting to go th…

I appreciate the offer. For me there's no great mystery; I die every night, and wake up every morning with that dead guy's memories. Life takes effort, and keeping that cycle going just hasn't been worth the effort for a long time. I made the decision months ago. I think there are a lot of people who keep putting in the effort only to avoid imposing suffering on their loved ones and others. So, in a way I'm lucky in…

I've been in your shoes. I had gradually reduced contact to everyone who at that point was still trying to stay in touch, getting people used to me not answering the phone or replying to their messages for ever longer periods. I figured noone would be shocked this way when they finally learned that i'd ditched life.

I was in a state of permanent daze and confusion then, lots of drinking and whatever substances I could get my hands on.

While I had plans made, I had this spur of the moment idea that seemed pretty sane while I was high: I'd at least get a kick out of my life being teh suck, so I got myself into a situation with basically 50/50 chance of dying and beyond my control. I lived and one of the worst hangovers ever. Since I wasn't exactly thrilled with the outcome, I repeated this kind of coin toss with different setups, in total two more times.

The experiences were definitely less shit than my reasons for getting to this point in the first place. In fact, I'd never felt so alive. My problems were not magically gone but now I was curious what else in life I had never thought of, what else I might be missing out on by taking an early exit. I was pretty young and suddenly realized that as of yet I had no idea what to even expect of the future.

I regard everything I've experienced since then as bonus time. I got over the reasons for everything being shit and feeling like shit. Turned out it was mental illness responding well to medication.

Since then, a lot has happened, both good and bad, but it was worth the ride. I have no more reason to fear death, a luxury few are granted early in life. I know there's always an exit option but so far, I've been too curious about what happens next to consider it again.

Now, I won't tell you bullshit like "hurr durr, life is so beautiful, don't throw it away…". The world can be an utter pile of shit and so can the people it spawned and if you go on living, the only thing certain is that you'll have to deal with more world shit and more people shit.

But consider, if you're a curious person, that you'll be missing out on a once in a lifetime experience. You'd be surprised.

I don't regret having stayed for the encore.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#190

Post by alisonkisk » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:00 PM UTC

warent wrote: post #12

tonymet wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does this number actually help? It’s shared kind of automatically but I find it trivializes suicide

When I was a younger going through a very painful time there was a brief period of suicidal ideation and the suicide hotline would have been a very useful resource for me. I didn't know about it at the time, so I just called 911, and they were very kind to me but their response was absolutely awful. It was pretty clear they weren't trained for such conversations, and just send the police to pick me up. The police! Fo…

Calling the police is like waving around a loaded gun. It's not what you want in a moment of crisis. It has some value when the crisis has past and the people are gone. Under the US Constitution and law, police have a duty to aid the state, not any specific person living in it.