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The biology of dads

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Re: The biology of dads

#141

Post by aantix »

Mmrnmhrm wrote: post #67
softwaredoug wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this only gets worse when they get older. A dangerous thing that can happen is when you over-identify with your kids. Like being the overbearing sports-parent that pushes their kid to succeed because you see it as an extension of your success. I think every parent runs into this to some degree. I have to remind myself they are different people with their own wants, needs, values, and criteria for what "success" means…

If you have any resources on how to manage anxiety please bring them on. My old son has a mild development impairment, I am the sole bread earner, and we have no family support (we live abroad). Anxiety is crippling me to the point of rupture.

* A dose of magnesium l-threonate in the morning and before bed

* A dose of magnesium glycinate in the morning and before bed

* A dose of black seed oil in the morning and at night

If you did a hair mineral analysis test, I assure you, you would most likely be magnesium deficient. The body needs magnesium in order to deal with stress. Anxiety is stress.

The deficiency wreaks havoc on the nervous system. Take a HMAT from Analytical Research Labs if you want to be 100%. You'll have to find a practitioner.

I've done years of therapy. But getting my basic nutrients in order, made an immediate impact and has had a much bigger difference in treating my anxiety.

Re: The biology of dads

#142

Post by oblio »

x87678r wrote: post #12
superflit wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe remembering the fathers that after his kid is born there is a "hell" time of mostly 3-4 months where the baby will be adapting to you and vice-versa. Then the baby sleeps gets longer and you can have 6-8h of sleep. New fathers: Hold tight, after 3-4 months it gets way easier.

Just wait until they're 16 and aren't home by midnight and not answering phone.

Yeah, but at that point it's kind of out of your control. You've probably provided 95% of the guidance you could have provided and they're almost grown-ups.

I understand the attachment, but at some point you have to let go and life is full of risks (and interesting things).

Though I doubt my reasoning will assuage any parental fears :-)

Re: The biology of dads

#143

Post by jacksnipe »

11thEarlOfMar wrote: post #108

One aspect of fatherhood that surprised me is what I call the 'rescue response'. I was not able to find any formal information about this behavior, but I have to think there is something out there. I have experienced this exactly twice in my life on separate occasions: My child entered a physically and immediately dangerous situation. As soon as I saw their peril, my mind went into a kind of flow state. I didn't take…

I have experienced something extremely similar when a pickup truck blew through an intersection and almost hit my partner and I. I yanked us both out of the way and kind of half-dove backwards -- it took about 20 minutes before I realized I was in a ton of pain (side note: it's a miracle I didn't hit my head).

So I suspect that this is just adrenaline? It felt just like what you've described here.

Re: The biology of dads

#144

Post by AlphaOne1 »

hi41 wrote: post #79

When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work schedule and mine, I was stuck between changing diapers and kitchen. I absolutely HATED fatherhood. Did anyone have the same experience and how did you overcome the frustration to become a good father.

I will be the first to admit that becoming a father was a difficult transition. One book that I recommend that all fathers read is The Boy Crisis. With the usual disclaimer that I do not agree with everything the author states, it greatly helped me see what a crucial role I have in raising our kids (my wife and I were blessed with 5 children, including 2 sets of twins). Interestingly, the first baby was by far the hardest transition because we both felt trapped in our new roles. Now that we are a few years in, it has been extremely rewarding to watch our kids mature. My wife and I have spent hours discussing this topic and we agree that fatherhood in general is not well understood in society today. The book helped me to understand my unique role as a father in raising our kids. My wife and I share a similar value system but are often baffled by how different our approach is to parenting. I might sound antiquated but I really think we compliment each other in how we approach our children.

Oh and one side note: the single most important quality of life change that my wife and I made was to get our kids to go to bed early. We now have them all in bed by 7:30 PM so the rest of the evening we have to ourselves. This takes discipline on our part especially after a long day at work but the kids are much happier with more sleep (even though it can sometimes be a battle to get them to stay in bed).

Overtime you will be surprised at how much progress you can make. Try and enjoy the little things in life. Since I'm in medicine, most of my life has been a whirlwind of activity: having kids has forced me to slow down and appreciate life in a new way. One small example, is that the highlight of my week is seeing my kids super excited for the homemade pancakes I make on Saturdays. It gives mom a break :)

Being a father gets better with time and I will say that parenting is the most important and rewarding undertaking of my life, even more so than programming or graduating medical school. Good luck and remember you are not alone there are literally millions of other fathers out there with similar struggles!

Re: The biology of dads

#145

Post by Tsiklon »

oblio wrote: post #115
endymi0n wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I also really, really wasn't into babies before becoming a father, then when they were there, it was actually kinda okay — but now that they can talk, reason and you can mess with them, it's definitely _so_ much cooler. What's interesting though is that for me, having spent time with a baby seems to have changed some wirings retroactively. Just saw a toddler yesterday doing random things and having so much fun in the…

> There are only 52 weekends you will ever have with your three year old. I'm confused. Shouldn't it be 156?

I think the idea is that your three year old is going to be a very different four year old, who again was different to who they were as a two year old.

Re: The biology of dads

#146

Post by treeman79 »

TooRightKite wrote: post #132
Kluny wrote: post #119

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're making a pretty big leap of assumption here. - he didn't say that he had biological kids - the step daughter is his own daughter, they aren't two different things - he didn't say that if he does have biological kids, that he didn't tear up at their graduation - he also didn't specify the ages of any of his kids, so there's no reason to assume that any others have graduated I'm curious as to where those assumpt…

True, on second reading he says "raising kids", not having them.

Have adopted from foster kid system.

Pretty quick they are YOUR kid. Emotionally, It fills the same.

Re: The biology of dads

#147

Post by mattlondon »

kody wrote: post #55
bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

My wife and I are working from home and raising our 6 month old daughter, and the -only- distraction that brings me to a grinding halt is my daughter's crying. Even with noise-cancelling headphones, if I hear any crying at all I feel an incredible emotional reaction that totally prevents me from focusing on work until she's calm and happy again. I'm also glad to read that there's a natural (hormonal?) explanation for…

Same here with a 9 month old. I can tune out the general noise, but there are certain cries that 100% short-circuit my brain and dissolve any semblance of focus or ability to concentrate.

Some days, by the time baby is asleep my nerves are just utterly shot by trying to concentrate around the crying.

Re: The biology of dads

#148

Post by defen »

mattgreenrocks wrote: post #44
bluedays wrote: post #20

>Paradoxically, we found that fathers who activate the anterior cingulate the most when listening to infant crying report the most negative emotional responses to those cries, in particular being more likely to label the cry as spoiled or manipulative. How can greater engagement of a brain region associated with empathy be linked with such negative subjective reactions to the cry? We suspect it relates to a phenomeno…

Same experience. I wrote it off as a big change and sleep deprivation, but there were some days that the cries of my son seemed very difficult to deal with. I hadn't had much experience with newborns/babies prior. It could also be generalized anxiety. Mine would take uniquely weird forms, including awakening from a dead sleep convinced my son was buried/lost somewhere in the house. I'm convinced that the biological i…

I can relate to the anxiety/firmware thing. I had never really experienced that sort of generalized anxiety before, but the weird thing for me was that it was preverbal. So I couldn't even put it into terms like "buried/lost somewhere"; it was more like a feeling. Like the feeling you would get in your stomach if you showed up to an important class one day completely unprepared for a pop quiz. Just that feeling, constantly. Luckily for me it was directly correlated with (lack of) sleep, so once that got better the feeling went away.

Re: The biology of dads

#149

Post by x87678r »

oblio wrote: post #142
x87678r wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just wait until they're 16 and aren't home by midnight and not answering phone.

Yeah, but at that point it's kind of out of your control. You've probably provided 95% of the guidance you could have provided and they're almost grown-ups. I understand the attachment, but at some point you have to let go and life is full of risks (and interesting things). Though I doubt my reasoning will assuage any parental fears :-)

> Though I doubt my reasoning will assuage any parental fears :-)

Yeah how many teenagers do you parent? :)

Re: The biology of dads

#150

Post by swat535 »

ksdale wrote: post #58

"They seemed like ideal infant-caregivers: calm, gentle, patient and sensitive. They didn’t seem like men you would go to battle with. In fact, they were the very antithesis of the warriors and athletes – think Maximus, Achilles or Michael Jordan – often associated with a masculine ideal." I became a father quite a bit before most of my friends, and so was the butt of some jokes about masculinity for the way I parent…

Your testosterone levels are reduced as a man when you become a father [1], I wouldn't be surprised if that affects men's behaviour.

Our evolution is complex, I find it fascinating that you can often dig up research with regards to this topic.

[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3182719/

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