Ask HN: Are you depressed?

I've recently graduated from a university and I have my first full-time SWE job as a backend developer. Although I really like my job and I can barely imagine a better workplace, I really dread my everyday life.

Working 8+ hours every day is soul-crushing to me, and with all other errands and a good sleeping schedule, I barely have time and energy for the other things in life that I enjoy. Dating, working out, being social, finding a place to live, as well as being quarantined is just overwhelming with a full-time job, I feel.

Since I've been getting negative work reviews, I called a career counselor. When he said that "I got to man up and prioritize my work above everything else", I was severely depressed and suicidal.

I've been pretty blessed. I was working remotely before COVID so it didn't really affect my life much other than being way more restricted in where I can travel. I've been nomadic the last couple years so the travel restrictions were an adjustment, but there are still places one can travel to. I'm currently in one of those countries that had no restrictions. Unfortunately it's looking like they're going to start making businesses close at 9pm, which sucks but isn't a huge deal since I can still work out of my favorite coffee shop during the day.

I find that my happiest times seem to be correlated with:

1. Having goals, and subsequently purpose and meaning. Doesn't have to be career-related by the way, can be a hobby or caring for a loved one

2. Having a sense of community with real in-person human contact. Intimacy is good to have too, or at least avoiding a complete lack thereof.

3. Accepting that which one cannot change

I get that the pandemic has made things more difficult, but we can still control our destiny to an extent and make the most of the cards we've been dealt. I had spent 3 months in the U.S. at my parents' house bored out of my mind before deciding to fly out to a random foreign country, and have had a blast here. I could've just stayed put at my parents' house and said "but I shouldn't do anything because the pandemic", but thankfully I didn't.

My sympathies to anyone who is out of work or depressed. But I do think it's healthier to look at our mental health as something that we can influence and control through our own life decisions and mindset, as opposed to just looking at it as a disease where cure = therapy / pills (not that there's anything wrong with therapy + appropriate medication).

It's hard to put a pin on why it feels like more than you're seeing. Part of it is that I'm asking for so many of these de novo supports when coworkers are so much more independent. The fixes happen easily, but need comms and planning that mostly only brings marginal benefits to me. I mostly leaned on ambient energy and indirect attention of others -- e.g., my best "need to be productive" days came from sitting in a common area and making sure my screen faced out, so my sense of pleasing others kept me accountable. Other ways are possible, but it's hard to reinvent your whole way of managing yourself, esp when it mostly feels like a solitary effort, I guess?

Anyhow, thanks for hearing me out. I know it might not sound like it makes tons of sense. It's a layered failure of all my prior mechanisms for happiness and satisfaction in work

omg yes. It's hard to communicate to people this need for coworking and co-presence. I've tried over the years to ask for always-on remote presence tools -- always-on video or audio. Some people seem to think of these as micromanage-y employer-driven tech, but it truly helps me stay motivated and reduces anxiety/depression. Like I don't want anyone's explicit help or project management (though check-ins on one another are nice imho), but just your conscious human presence. I'm incredibly distraction-prone, but working in service of the humans around me is what helps keeps me in check.

If you're also energized by support tickets, I'd venture a guess that The Helper is a high type for you too, if you were to do the Enneagram personality test :) https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-2