Ask HN: Are you depressed?

My depression started in the summer of last year because of health problems. My leg hurt from the knee up and I could not move properly. I did not leave the apartment for 2 weeks when it started. Not being able to move properly was a really bad experience for me, especially psychologically. I got sent from doctor to doctor, nobody knowing who to do with me. Later I started physical therapy, I do not think it helped, just the problem was slowly going away. It came back around Christmas making it the worse Christmas of my life. At least I was able to travel to my home country to visit my parents and the family. I started going to doctors again but the covid-19 hit and they all stopped seeing non critical patients. I basically turned to my own research about the problem, reading articles, watching videos about specific exercises, etc.

The travel restrictions because of covid-19 also meant I could not travel home, even if it is a neighboring country. I usually got every 2-3 months, it took 7 months to get there. I was planning a wedding with my girlfriend, in my home country, but all the plans got busted with the restrictions, but we were able to get a September slot for a small wedding. 2 weeks before the wedding my grandma died. My grandpa did not take it well, still is not taking it well, i am a bit afraid of him, that he is loosing the will to live. We buried my grandma a day before the wedding.

The back from my home country just missing another travel restrictions and back to dealing with the health issues. At the same time I decided to quite my job. I have been hating it for a while, because of a borderline abusive boss. He made a few good people leave the company and here was no way to replace him as he was also the owner. Fed up with everything, but I guess mostly my health issues affecting me daily I decided to quit. I found a company that looked cool, went to 5 rounds of interviews. At the end I had some doubts about the job, but I guess I just really wanted to leave the current job so I accepted.

I started the new job now in November and it sucks. It is an environment that makes me depressed, seeing all the broken stuff and chaos, unable to make a difference. I want to quite again, but I do not know where to go. I guess I have just too specific recommendations that are not easily fulfilled by not wanting to be some small cog in a corporate machine.

And I will not be able to travel home for Christmas because of the current covid-19 situation, will be first Christmas away from the family. But with a new family I guess.

I don't mean to attack you, but why wouldn't you just move closer? Your weekly commute time multiplied by your hourly salary is likely significantly more than the increased rent, no matter where you lived.

I've never understood why people make those choices.

Whew. As someone that struggled with depression for nearly 15 years, as someone involved in the radical mental health movement for a long time, as a social scientist, as a Buddhist, as an activist...pulled so many different directions by seeing these numbers.

I guess all I have to say, with an immense amount of compassion, some frustration, and all the honesty in my heart is that "It doesn't have to be this way." And "It's not your fault, but it's still your one life."

Here‘s an account of someone who answered no, I‘m not depressed. Hoping this offers some light to those who couldn’t answer the same way this time.

Like I said, I’m not depressed today but have definitely suffered my share of emotional pain following the loss of my mother and the loneliness that comes with moving to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language.

Here are two frameworks I came up with during those dark years, which still help me today. Not claiming this will help you too, though I hope it does, but perhaps you can find some use in it... even if only as inspiration to find your own frameworks.

Framework 1: Myself > the ones I love > the things I do.

I found these are the building blocks of a happy life, in this order. First I need to be content with myself and to know I‘m worth of respect and love, and no one can help me with this. Then I need to actively seek and nurture the love of others (family, friends, spouse). Only then should I focus on what I‘m doing with the rest of my time (my job, my hobbies).

Framework 2: „The Mix“

This is something that rather helps me keep a happy state of mind. Every week, I try to make sure I fill it with a good „mix” of the following “ingredients”:

- Socializing: of the “deep” kind. Meaning I want to talk to people I love and make an effort to really listen to what they are saying/feeling. To empathize. I’m more interested in a few (maybe starting with one) deep relationships.

- Movement: move my body somehow, preferably outside. I try to do this 4-5x a week. Sometimes it’s just a long walk, sometimes a run, sometimes a workout. Anything counts.

- Inspiration: watch, read, listen to anything or anyone that makes you dream of what life could be.

- Appreciation: make an active effort to objectively realize that some things in your life, even if sometimes only a small few, are positive. I usually do this at night, in bed, before falling asleep.

Hope this is useful in some way. Feel free to email if you need to talk (email in profile)

I simply cannot see the value in happiness for the sake of happiness. As long as there are people being murdered and tortured, I will not ever feel deeply happy -- so? I still won't shift the goal posts just to feel "happy". I can't change the world just by myself, but I can make it so I would have deserved to live in a better one, and that to me implies not accepting or normalizing the state of things, however painful that may be.