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Why forgiving someone else is about you

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Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#41

Post by ogurechny »

scottious wrote: post #25

As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…

Well, you can't forgive people for something they haven't done. It is assumed that there is something to forgive, so no one really questions the wrongdoing. The question is why should it still define the way you look at life, be the starting point of reasoning.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#42

Post by hawk_ »

qwerty456127 wrote: post #40
hawk_ wrote: post #2

While law doesn't have place for revenge in a civilised society and rightly so, the need for revenge/retribution I suspect is quite innate. It's healthy to try to forgive but it's quite difficult, almost like you can't fool yourselves into thinking you aren't hungry.

> the need for revenge/retribution I suspect is quite innate. Why? I can't imagine feeling this way for longer than some minutes.

perhaps you haven't been wronged in a significant way, and i hope it stays that way.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#43

Post by snarf21 »

hawk_ wrote: post #2

While law doesn't have place for revenge in a civilised society and rightly so, the need for revenge/retribution I suspect is quite innate. It's healthy to try to forgive but it's quite difficult, almost like you can't fool yourselves into thinking you aren't hungry.

I had a realization about hate quite a long time ago. When you hate someone, 99.999% of the time they don't know or they don't care. So the only one that ends up feeling bad 24/7 is you. You have to find a way to let it go and move on, forgiveness or not..

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#44

Post by willcipriano »

nicoburns wrote: post #21
willcipriano wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As with all things in life it really depends on how you frame it. As a young man I encountered many people who were unkind, told me that my goals were impossible and mocked me for my ambition. Now that I have succeeded at those aims and continued to grow as a human being it is a great feeling to encounter those people in life and see that they haven't been as successful as I have. I can't help but think that I perhap…

Proving someone wrong isn't revenge. Revenge would be if you used your newfound position of power to actively hurt them in some way.

It appears the difference is I'm using it as a noun and you are using it as a verb.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/revenge

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#45

Post by trabant00 »

> Without forgiveness, accumulated resentments extract a toll, says forgiveness coach Kym Kennedy.

Without snake oil your accumulated borxins extract a toll on your health, says snake oil salesman.

We get angry to have an emotional STOP sign attached to certain experiences, people, things, etc. You should always forgive like you should always forget that fire burns. Go ahead, put your hand back in, get it out of your system.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#46

Post by watwut »

unionpivo wrote: post #37
scottious wrote: post #25

As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…

Because its about you not them. It doesn't matter what they think or do. You should do it for yourself to set yourself free of emotional baggage. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you suddenly think he is a great person, or should forget that he is abusive. Its saying I am done with all this shit. "you" (whomever wronged you) are not worth my time hating you. At least that worked for me.

Pretty much all actual examples in article are of the "you interpret it wrong" sort.

> A situation you may have misinterpreted as a child can taint your important adult relationships, Kennedy says.

This does not say you should free yourself of hate despite them being wrong. This says, hey, maybe it happened differently. What if I did not misinterpreted it as a child? Or as an adult? What if it is one of those very real situations where you was not stupid, but someone really harassed you, took credit for your work, whatever.

The article does not deal with such situation, rather, it wants you to convince yourself it did not happened.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#47

Post by non-entity »

ogurechny wrote: post #28
Waterfall wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. If you were stung by a wasp does it make you happy when you smack it to death and it never stings you again? Or do you forgive it as it continues to sting you and you gladly turn the other cheek to let it sting your other cheek too? Then when your facial cheeks are all stung, do you let it sting both your lower cheeks so when you sit down you can forgive them? Now the whole village is being stung by wasps and yo…

You have just made a speech about non-Aryan sub-human pests… wasps. I'm not sure whether it is sad or funny.

Are you reading into this wrong or intentionally attempting to start a flame war?

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#48

Post by jjgarzella »

scottious wrote: post #25

As somebody who's struggling to forgive somebody who's wronged me, I find this article to be a bit wishy-washy, like this: > Reexamine your perceptions of life events that have trapped you in the role of victim. well, what if somebody really truly was a victim? What if one's parents have condescended and belittled them for decades? What if one's mother is abusive and drinks too much? What if somebody spent their enti…

This is one major drawback writing an article about forgiveness and only interviewing authors of self-help books. Whatever it says, right or wrong, it can’t be of much help to someone who is in a situation like you described. Forgiveness, reconciliation, or even just dealing with hurt, are all easier said than done.

I wonder it would be more helpful to interview someone who has been through something hard and actually decided to forgive. For example, maybe one of the victims’ family members in https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/news/pos...

Even so, no one article or book can truly “solve” or “fix” pain, so we would be wise to carefully consider our words. Calling forgiveness “a simple solution to all your problems” (https://www.radicalforgiveness.com/) feels condescending. Even if the statement is true, how would someone who is facing real hurt see that statement?

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#50

Post by stupidcar »

trabant00 wrote: post #45

> Without forgiveness, accumulated resentments extract a toll, says forgiveness coach Kym Kennedy. Without snake oil your accumulated borxins extract a toll on your health, says snake oil salesman. We get angry to have an emotional STOP sign attached to certain experiences, people, things, etc. You should always forgive like you should always forget that fire burns. Go ahead, put your hand back in, get it out of your…

False dichotomy.

Taking steps to heal yourself from damage, such as a physical burn or a psychological wound, doesn't necessarily mean not taking the threat seriously in future. Pain is a signal that teaches us a lesson. Once the lesson is learned, holding onto the pain can just be needless suffering.

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